How to respond to MIL's comments about caring for her adult sons?

[Anonymous]

My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

Why? I wouldn't extend them an invitation. If they are capable of caring for themselves, why would you invite them to live with you? That was their parent's choice but it doesn't have to be yours.

[Anonymous]

If the brothers are not disabled and they're just of the "failure to launch" variety, they would not be welcome to come live with me. If that means that at 45 or 50 they have to go through the struggles most 17-19 yr old boys go through when they go to college and learn to do their own laundry so be it. That's their problem.

I would wait until MIL brings up the whole "in my culture" thing and then say "I can appreciate that you do what feels right to you, and hope you respect that I do what seems right for me and my culture." And I'd make damn sure DH is on board with me that his moocher brothers are NOT coming to live with us.

[Anonymous]

You married into a culture with certain expectations for family. Unless you intend to divorce before you are expected to carry them, you need to speak with your husband now and make clear what you will and will not do. Frankly, this is a conversation you should have had before you got married. It undoubtedly will cause a blow up but it’s better than getting to a crisis situation and telling them you won’t do it. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you will be forced into a role you don’t want simply because there is no other option. Make your decisions known now so that your DH and in-laws can make appropriate plans.

[Anonymous]

Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

[Anonymous]

It's not your responsibility. Are his brothers physically or mentally challenged? Your husband has a lot to deal with. He should start planning his parents long term care now, and how brothers will care for them and themselves, if they're capable. Finances, power of attorney, medical proxy, will and testament/trust, trustee/executor.

[Anonymous]

I would put it out of my mind until the need arises for them to live with you. Ideally at that time you will be able to afford a housekeeper. Enjoy life as it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

He needs to apply for social security disability and go to a group home situation if he cannot care for himself or try to get subsidized housing.

[Anonymous]

how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old

"Dear (Husband), come on in here and listen to your Mom ... "

ALWAYS call you husband in. Do not allow her to preach to YOU. If she is going to tell you these *important* things, her son needs to be there too. Every single time. (It will get old)

[Anonymous]

DH has a brother like this, though he’s in his 40s. Never really had a real job. He will never live with us. When DH’s parents die, DH will give the brother a lump sum and he done with him. He’s a compete loser.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen the movie Step Brothers?

[Anonymous]

You need to quickly become a match maker and marry one of the brothers to a bride of your MIL's culture. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

That would be totally unacceptable to me. I will not bend over backwards for you if you will not do the tiniest bit for yourself. Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Do they all live nearby? Is MIL’s house paid for? Can she just leave it to the brothers so they can live there and dh can check on them regularly? Or perhaps you can sell the house and buy them a condo which may be easier for them to maintain. This assumes they will have sufficient assets. My mil is leaving sil her house but it is expensive to maintain. SIL will have other money from MIL but depending on her age when MIL passes, she will have to determine if she can really afford to stay in the house. She can’t do that herself and she won’t always accept help from dh (who can do this easily). It’s tough, op. Hopefully your dh’s brothers will accept your assistance and suggestions.