How to respond to MIL's comments about caring for her adult sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they all live nearby? Is MIL’s house paid for? Can she just leave it to the brothers so they can live there and dh can check on them regularly? Or perhaps you can sell the house and buy them a condo which may be easier for them to maintain. This assumes they will have sufficient assets. My mil is leaving sil her house but it is expensive to maintain. SIL will have other money from MIL but depending on her age when MIL passes, she will have to determine if she can really afford to stay in the house. She can’t do that herself and she won’t always accept help from dh (who can do this easily). It’s tough, op. Hopefully your dh’s brothers will accept your assistance and suggestions.

OP here. No, they live several hours away. Yes I can see leaving them the house, maybe the working brother can pay to maintain it. It just saddens me she makes them so dependent on her. She is in a lot of pain but insists on doing everything herself. So of course they are used to it. I am nervous about what happens when MIL becomes more disabled. Her vision seems to be I take care of everyone so her sons don't have to lift their pretty little fingers. They are actually both pretty sweet, but shy, and I think have suffered serious harm from how overbearing she is. Thankfully DH knows how to set boundaries. She can't get everything she wants. I do think some of this will sort itself out, or at least can't really be helped by any discussion now. But yes, I will talk to DH about what MIL has said recently to clarify his expectations, which I expect are not different from mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

Great. There is no problem then. Have fun doing his laundry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

That's not taking care of them. That's enabling them to cloak themselves in immaturity and disability. That is not helping someone. But hey, if you want to be a martyr, go ahead. But don't come here in ten years bitching about your brother in laws and think we'll think you're wonderful for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

That's not taking care of them. That's enabling them to cloak themselves in immaturity and disability. That is not helping someone. But hey, if you want to be a martyr, go ahead. But don't come here in ten years bitching about your brother in laws and think we'll think you're wonderful for this.

Eh I don't think I am communicating well, but I also think DCUM is filled with posters like you who come here specifically to be mean. Says more about you than it does me. I have no intention of doing his laundry as I specifically stated lol. I also am not fundamentally against him living with us. It sounds like you are against that idea. Okay
Good thing you don't live with us.

[Anonymous]

Well, to answer your actual question I think you can say you and DH will decide at the time, if she asks directly. But if you are unwilling to have the employable brother move in, it might be best to tell them all that so that he can plan.

If they move in it will probably be impossible to ever get them out. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, to answer your actual question I think you can say you and DH will decide at the time, if she asks directly. But if you are unwilling to have the employable brother move in, it might be best to tell them all that so that he can plan.

If they move in it will probably be impossible to ever get them out. Be careful.

Thanks lol. Yeah it is unclear if she is really asking for me to do the same as she has done or if she is just discussing her life and experiences. I suspect it is a combination. She has a history of making unreasonable demands and no respect for boundaries and I need to learn to just ignore ignore ignore. Anyway DH and I finally had a more focused chat about this this morning and we are on the same page on all of this stuff. It won't be easy but at least we are in it together

[Anonymous]

As someone that has a BIL with severe social anxiety and agoraphobia -- do not enable him by taking him in. My BIL was able to buy a home with the help of his father (his anxiety did not allow him to be at the closing). He lived at home until 33 because his parents enabled it. Both need to be on their own. Trust me, you do not want to live with someone that has a severe mental health disorder. That said, do whatever you can beyond that to help them become independent.

[Anonymous]

I'm from one of those cultures, and you absolutely should not go along with this sort of thinking. It is incredibly damaging. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing what's wrong. Probably worth talking to dh.

[Anonymous]

You say that you are “one and done” which I take to mean that you have one child. Is it your expectation that your child will support and care for his or her elderly uncle(s) after you and your spouse die? If so, have you made financial arrangements to support this plan?

[Anonymous]

Where is your FIL in all this disfunction? You and your DH need to be on the same page in the event of a major medical event for either of your in-laws. It is your DH’s duty to make sure he understands his family’s finances in the event one of your in laws dies or breaks a hip. Life, as everyone knows it, could change quickly.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like my Indian mil!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to answer your actual question I think you can say you and DH will decide at the time, if she asks directly. But if you are unwilling to have the employable brother move in, it might be best to tell them all that so that he can plan.

If they move in it will probably be impossible to ever get them out. Be careful.

Thanks lol. Yeah it is unclear if she is really asking for me to do the same as she has done or if she is just discussing her life and experiences. I suspect it is a combination. She has a history of making unreasonable demands and no respect for boundaries and I need to learn to just ignore ignore ignore. Anyway DH and I finally had a more focused chat about this this morning and we are on the same page on all of this stuff. It won't be easy but at least we are in it together

It doesn't really matter what she wants. She won't be able to do anything about it anyway. You can tell her you will decide at the time, and maybe also that you have confidence in her sons to do their best (vague about what that is) to be clear they are not off the hook entirely.

[Anonymous]

Getting the younger brother disability and subsidized housing is a great idea. Maybe for mom as well if possible. Even if not, The older brother can live with the younger one and you can pay for the housekeeper.