How to respond to MIL's comments about caring for her adult sons?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is Vietnamese. She was brought to put herself last, and also had a MIL from hell who was very demanding. She would never dream of inflicting the same oppression on her DILs!!!

Say nothing to her, OP. No good can come of it.
But do reiterate to your husband privately, in the strongest possible terms, that you will never let his brothers live in your house. He needs to be prepared mentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

OMG. Were you super young and naive when you married? This probably would have been a deal breaker for me. Do not let sleeping dogs lie! You better figure it out now with your DH before ten years go by and then you end up divorcing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

[Anonymous]

Culture is a horrible excuse for exploitation of women’s labor. Don’t give in OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

No they don't believe in mental health care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

No they don't believe in mental health care.

Reach out to a therapist or psychiatrist that is from the same background. Make an appt for you and your husband to discuss how to work against the stigma and get the help needed.

If there is no one in this area, look elsewhere and do a Zoom appt.

[Anonymous]

If MIL dies, you can assist in any way you want, but what if she is only incapacitated and tries to roost from her bed? The PP ^^ suggesting a therapist is a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL dies, you can assist in any way you want, but what if she is only incapacitated and tries to roost from her bed? The PP ^^ suggesting a therapist is a great idea.

Then she will fail. If any other family members hassle OP about it, she can offer them tbe opportunity to host the Brothers.

[Anonymous]

As someone with mental health challenges, I urge you to consider that this “caretaking” is ruining your BIL’s chance at any kind of self-actualization or growth. If you don’t have to grow to survive, you don’t grow. Your MIL is not taking care of him. She is choking him to death with “care”.

[Anonymous]

The conversation about a long term plan needs to happen sooner than later. As your MIL seems to want to define your role in it-you either need to be part of it or trust your DH to
accurately reflect your parameters. With their challenges-the brothers might do best staying where they live now and setting up any needed in-home help as your MIL will need it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with mental health challenges, I urge you to consider that this “caretaking” is ruining your BIL’s chance at any kind of self-actualization or growth. If you don’t have to grow to survive, you don’t grow. Your MIL is not taking care of him. She is choking him to death with “care”.

OP here. I completely agree. It's hard for me to watch. I would take him in iif absolutely needed but certainly not as a default, and if it were to come to that would certainly not look anything like the current situation where he does no cooking, laundry, cleaning or any other chores. It's really bad. They don't even leave him and his brother home alone overnight. Anyway after some more conversations with DH I don't think it's the expectation. But they certainly aren't doing anything to make him be independent and I hate that it might come to me to put my foot down.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I have a similar situation though without the different cultural backgrounds. My BIL is a serious failure to launch and also has serious mental health issues. He’s in his 40s and lives with MIL. I made it clear several years ago that we would not simply carry on with MIL’s caretaking of him after she passes. His mental health concerns include anger and temper issues and we have children. I would never feel comfortable having him live with us and I am cautious about his interaction with my kids now.

By making it clear that we are not the back up plan, it has forced BIL and MIL to come up with something else. He is going back to school now to get a technical degree that will hopefully get him into more reliable work. We also assume she will leave the house, which is fully paid off, to him (and if she leaves it to both of them, DH would probably just gift his half to his brother). He is able bodied and can work, and our hope is that with a house he simply must maintain and pay the very low taxes on, he can remain independent.

I’ve struggled in life myself, including a longtime mental health issue, and I firmly believe that the pride of self-sufficiency is one of the best gifts you can give people. My BIL has made some poor choices in life, and his parents facilitated them in many ways. But that does not mean that I, the lone woman of our generation if the family, am going to sacrifice myself (or my kids’ future!) to make up for it. We are willing to help as needed, but that does not and will never involve bringing a grown man with anger issues into my home so that we can feed him, do his laundry, and facilitate his failure.

[Anonymous]

OP, if he moves in and then does not live up to the agreement you make, what will you do? It is very hard to put out a tenant who doesn't want to go. Even harder for someone who needs social services. Beware the pressure to host him "temporarily".

You need to research and have a plan ready to go in case your MIL is suddenly incapacitated. If they are emotionally codependent it could really send him into a tailspin. Sorry to be so gloomy but I have seen this happen and it's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

Jeez. Please don’t let my son bring home a woman like you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

Sorry, I must have missed the part where she provided 10-30 years of care for her MIL and her two BiLs.

Tell them to save up and then ship them back to their emerging market where a live in nurse costs $2/hr.

I’d also be prepared to divorce to get out of that, it’s life and marriage wrecking.