Something Mil told Dd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

I think people here are just being deliberately holier than thou about this because I bet my pumpkin pie none of them would actually sacrifice time with their family to visit their husband’s family when he’s working, just to visit again. I smell BS. Also, the comment makes you wonder why the husband isn’t too into his parents...

This is really false. My kid deserves a relationship with both side of her family. I might not make as much of an effort to get to exactly 50/50 if my DH was dragging his feet, but this is the far end of the spectrum. No holidays, ever, and every one with her family? And everyone lives within driving distance?

"The comment" that you're trying to turn into MIL is a bad person was a true statement. She never gets to see her grandchildren on holidays, and that is not fair. If there were abuse or alcoholism or guns laying around or any good reason for the imbalance, OP would have said so. Instead it's just "why me???" when the answer is, "because you're the one deciding who your kids spend holidays with." You can't intentionally snub someone for years and then complain when they notice they're being snubbed that their noticing is the reason you did it. Logic!

But that’s the way it is. I’m sure it stinks for OP and her kids that THEIR FATHER/HUSBAND isn’t home some holidays, too. But by all means, you’re right; the MIL only gets to spend THE WEEKEND with her son and grandchildren. Poor her. I mean, some people don’t even get to see their grandkids on holidays AT ALL. This woman gets a weekend and still complains because her son and grandkids aren’t there because HE IS WORKING. Plus, on top of that, he’s not even close to his parents. Yet somehow this is the wife’s issue. Ok...

This is an extremely immature mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

THIS.

OP, I'm with you. My MIL loves to make snide comments while not actually DOING anything to get the time she says she wants so badly. She doesn't make me feel welcome, makes little digs whenever she can, and barely exhibits any care towards me as a person. So no, I also would not take my kids to see her on a holiday if my DH had to work. I will do what *I* find enjoyable. Now, what I would do is invite her to my parent's house on the day of. She and FIL. They'd never come, but that would be my response to her dig. "Oh MIL, you are welcome to join us at my parent's house on Tday. Generally we arrive around noon and eat at 2pm".

Of course this year I'm not doing any gatherings so it's not a huge deal.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t need to be handled. It’s not a big deal that she said that. Is your daughter upset or something? Otherwise why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

They are making an equal effort. OP's family aren't driving to her either, she's going to them. So you want the ILs to make a MUCH BIGGER effort by bringing her pie or driving to her, while she caters to her side.

I'm almost always team DIL on this board but this is really bad behavior on OP's part as a family member. You can argue that her DH is worse, I guess, but it doesn't change that she's being ridiculous.

How is it bad behavior that DIL spends the weekend after a holiday with DH and in-laws? So, the DIL should spend the holiday with her in-laws and then the weekend after with her DH and in-laws?
If the DH doesn't show up the weekend after that would leave room for the MIL to complain she doesn't see her son. If the DH spends the weekend alone on the weekend with in-laws then DIL doesn't get to spend time with her DH.
If the DH is fine with the way things are I would just leave well enough alone.

This is so obtuse. She spends the weekend after with them BECAUSE she never spends the holiday with them. If she saw them on the holiday she wouldn't visit with them again a week later.

People here are working really hard to pretend never seeing one side of the family on holidays, while always traveling to see the other side, when both are the same distance away, is perfectly normal. It's not. It's unbalanced, there doesn't appear to be a good reason for it other than OP is irritated with her DH's work schedule, and the grandma who wishes she could see her grandkids is not a monster for that extremely natural wish.

It's crass to think that the OP and children wouldn't want to celebrate a holiday with the DH. It's also not appropriate for the in-laws to not celebrate the holiday with their son. The only way to accomplish this is to spend the holiday and weekend after with the in-laws. How is critical thinking obtuse?
The grandma does see the DH and grandkids on the weekend after because of the work schedule. Maybe grandma should stop being jealous and put that effort into working on her relationship with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

They are making an equal effort. OP's family aren't driving to her either, she's going to them. So you want the ILs to make a MUCH BIGGER effort by bringing her pie or driving to her, while she caters to her side.

I'm almost always team DIL on this board but this is really bad behavior on OP's part as a family member. You can argue that her DH is worse, I guess, but it doesn't change that she's being ridiculous.

How is it bad behavior that DIL spends the weekend after a holiday with DH and in-laws? So, the DIL should spend the holiday with her in-laws and then the weekend after with her DH and in-laws?
If the DH doesn't show up the weekend after that would leave room for the MIL to complain she doesn't see her son. If the DH spends the weekend alone on the weekend with in-laws then DIL doesn't get to spend time with her DH.
If the DH is fine with the way things are I would just leave well enough alone.

This is so obtuse. She spends the weekend after with them BECAUSE she never spends the holiday with them. If she saw them on the holiday she wouldn't visit with them again a week later.

People here are working really hard to pretend never seeing one side of the family on holidays, while always traveling to see the other side, when both are the same distance away, is perfectly normal. It's not. It's unbalanced, there doesn't appear to be a good reason for it other than OP is irritated with her DH's work schedule, and the grandma who wishes she could see her grandkids is not a monster for that extremely natural wish.

It's crass to think that the OP and children wouldn't want to celebrate a holiday with the DH. It's also not appropriate for the in-laws to not celebrate the holiday with their son. The only way to accomplish this is to spend the holiday and weekend after with the in-laws. How is critical thinking obtuse?
The grandma does see the DH and grandkids on the weekend after because of the work schedule. Maybe grandma should stop being jealous and put that effort into working on her relationship with her son.

100%. My best friend’s husband is a firefighter and works most TG. They celebrate on the weekend too. I’d hate to think that her MIL would blame her for her husbands/her sons schedule, would expect her to visit twice, or would condemn her for spending the day with her own family. How bizarre!

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DH's family have a history of divorce or children born to single family members?

I ask because my DH's family is one of divorce and my MIL has made similar comments and others much more aggressive and hurtful to my children about me, and it started with holidays.

My parents invite my ILs over for holidays. FIL is happy to attend but MIL will not attend with him present. She resents my parents for including him. He is in poor health and not in a condition to host a holiday gathering. He also does not have other family to spend holidays with.

My BIL and his family do holidays with my MIL and DH and I do holidays with my parents and FIL. (I am not aware of how my SILs parents are involved in this, but I do know that they occasionally attend holidays at MIL's house and BIL visits them on non-holidays. They are married and try to be flexible.)

We would be happy to host MIL, but she has made it clear that we attend on her turf or we do not see her on holidays.

Geography is an issue (MIL is on the west coast and FIL is two hours away from us), but these problems would still be present even if we were in proximity.

I have learned to let go, do the best I can to be inclusive, but be respectful of the fact that MIL has her own limits and it is not fair of me to expect her to be more flexible than she is. The result is that we see very little of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely ignore it. If your MIL wants to say something to you or DH, she can. Otherwise, you just pretend you heard nothing. Your system works fine for you and your husband. He does not want to spend holidays with his family; this is not your problem.

I agree. It's unfortunate the MIL is fixed on celebrating the holidays on the actual day. My family has a long history, for various reasons, of not being able to gather on the actual holiday/birthday. We celebrate whenever we are together - isn't that what it's about, being together?

It's the DH's responsibility to manage the relationships with his family, not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs are right, it isn't fair of you to not bring your DD to ILS for any holidays.

This is the choice OP's DH has made. If her MIL thinks it's 'unfair', she needs to discuss it with her DS, not OP and not her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely ignore it. If your MIL wants to say something to you or DH, she can. Otherwise, you just pretend you heard nothing. Your system works fine for you and your husband. He does not want to spend holidays with his family; this is not your problem.

I agree. It's unfortunate the MIL is fixed on celebrating the holidays on the actual day. My family has a long history, for various reasons, of not being able to gather on the actual holiday/birthday. We celebrate whenever we are together - isn't that what it's about, being together?

It's the DH's responsibility to manage the relationships with his family, not OP.

But the family *could* gather on the actual day. Completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are right, it isn't fair of you to not bring your DD to ILS for any holidays.

This is the choice OP's DH has made. If her MIL thinks it's 'unfair', she needs to discuss it with her DS, not OP and not her grandchild.

It's also a choice OP makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

Very well said. Think of it this way, OP. You are modeling for your children the behaviors you can expect to see from them when they are adults. Do you want them spending time with you and your husband, or not? Live your life now the want you want to live your life in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are right, it isn't fair of you to not bring your DD to ILS for any holidays.

This is the choice OP's DH has made. If her MIL thinks it's 'unfair', she needs to discuss it with her DS, not OP and not her grandchild.

According to OP, her husband frequently works on holidays. I don't see why that prohibits OP from showing a little generosity of spirit and inviting her inlaws to celebrate the holidays with their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

I suggested OP invite her MIL to either her or her parents' house. One upside of my plan is, she could have the weekend to her dang self instead of schlepping all over the region.

[Anonymous]

Ignore