Something Mil told Dd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

I suggested OP invite her MIL to either her or her parents' house. One upside of my plan is, she could have the weekend to her dang self instead of schlepping all over the region.

So then she can complain she never sees her son on holidays. You think this type of woman wouldn’t turn around and say that?

[Anonymous]

You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

I suggested OP invite her MIL to either her or her parents' house. One upside of my plan is, she could have the weekend to her dang self instead of schlepping all over the region.

So then she can complain she never sees her son on holidays. You think this type of woman wouldn’t turn around and say that?

Its the thought that counts. She can see her son another day as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I'm not the OP, but my parents never get to see their grandkids on the actual holiday for a variety of reasons. However, they are grateful, sincere, loving, and appreciative that they see the kids and celebrate regardless of the day. There isn't any jealousy or rude/snide words to children. FWIW, we are a loving, functional, and rational family.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

+1

The entire family spends the weekend after the holiday together at the in-law's house. Reading comprehension, anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I'm not the OP, but my parents never get to see their grandkids on the actual holiday for a variety of reasons. However, they are grateful, sincere, loving, and appreciative that they see the kids and celebrate regardless of the day. There isn't any jealousy or rude/snide words to children. FWIW, we are a loving, functional, and rational family.

OP is placing the only priority on her family. Every holiday her family gets and MIL is asking for one holiday and OP is saying no. There is a difference between your situation and hers. It doesn't sound like OP even lets her see the kids. There are lots of holidays. OP could give her one a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

+1

The entire family spends the weekend after the holiday together at the in-law's house. Reading comprehension, anyone?

That isn't the actual holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I'm not the OP, but my parents never get to see their grandkids on the actual holiday for a variety of reasons. However, they are grateful, sincere, loving, and appreciative that they see the kids and celebrate regardless of the day. There isn't any jealousy or rude/snide words to children. FWIW, we are a loving, functional, and rational family.

OP is placing the only priority on her family. Every holiday her family gets and MIL is asking for one holiday and OP is saying no. There is a difference between your situation and hers. It doesn't sound like OP even lets her see the kids. There are lots of holidays. OP could give her one a year.

They spend the weekend after at the in-laws' house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read what OP wrote you would realize they celebrate holidays on the weekend after with the in-laws. That means OP, the kids, and DH celebrate the holiday together every weekend after at the in-laws' house.
Where are people getting that grandma doesn't see the kids on holidays. Well, guess what? the OP and the kids don't see DH either on the holiday because he's working. They all celebrate TOGETHER on the weekend after.
So what it's not the actual day, they are together!

I suggested OP invite her MIL to either her or her parents' house. One upside of my plan is, she could have the weekend to her dang self instead of schlepping all over the region.

So then she can complain she never sees her son on holidays. You think this type of woman wouldn’t turn around and say that?

Truly, I don't know what you mean by "this type of woman." The only thing she ever did to OP was mutter one comment under her breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

+1

The entire family spends the weekend after the holiday together at the in-law's house. Reading comprehension, anyone?

That isn't the actual holiday.

The OP and kids don't get the actual holiday with the DH either. If you don't spend the actual day with your in-laws your some devil of a DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be decent and invite her to your celebration. It is kinda crappy to never let her even have one holiday on the holiday. When you are a MIL, how would you feel if you were treated the way she is?

I'm not the OP, but my parents never get to see their grandkids on the actual holiday for a variety of reasons. However, they are grateful, sincere, loving, and appreciative that they see the kids and celebrate regardless of the day. There isn't any jealousy or rude/snide words to children. FWIW, we are a loving, functional, and rational family.

Not helpful. You're talking about buying a car? Oh, well, my family takes mass transit and that's how we're different (and better).

[Anonymous]

OP did not say they spend the whole weekend at the inlaws. They travel to visit on the weekend following a holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely ignore it. If your MIL wants to say something to you or DH, she can. Otherwise, you just pretend you heard nothing. Your system works fine for you and your husband. He does not want to spend holidays with his family; this is not your problem.

I agree. It's unfortunate the MIL is fixed on celebrating the holidays on the actual day. My family has a long history, for various reasons, of not being able to gather on the actual holiday/birthday. We celebrate whenever we are together - isn't that what it's about, being together?

It's the DH's responsibility to manage the relationships with his family, not OP.

But the family *could* gather on the actual day. Completely different.

Lots of things 'could' be done. OP's DH could decide to spend more time with his mother. He could decide to stop working any holiday. OP could decide to pressure her DH to spend some holidays with her family - she doesn't. OP could decide she no longer wants to celebrate a holiday twice. If MIL doesn't like the current situation, she should address it with her DS, not OP and not her grandchild.