Something Mil told Dd

[Anonymous]

My Dh isn’t super into spending time with his family. I used to really push him, especially after having kids, but then people here told me he would become resentful of me for that, and he was, so I backed down. He’s also in the medical field and works most holidays. We’ve always celebrated with his family the weekend after a holiday, since we’ve been married, and he’s never joined my family holidays because of work—I always attend on the day so that the weekends can be freed up so we can celebrate with Dh and his family. But there has always been jealousy issues with Mil. Unfortunately, I’m not going to sit alone or not attend my family holiday when Dh is working, just so Mil isn’t jealous. It’s not as though I particularly love that we never have a holiday as a family, and it’s not as though I love celebrating holidays twice, but this is our life.

I guess Dd told Mil that last year my sister made her favorite pie for Thanksgiving. Mil huffed under her breath that she never “gets” a holiday. Nope, and neither do we. Talk to your son about his profession. I don’t like that she’s dragging our kids into the mess with her jealousy and snide comments. How do I handle this? Dh doesn’t care, says it is what it is and fully supports the way we do things. But I feel like Mil is attacking me in front of my kids. Ignore or?

[Anonymous]

OP please just ignore her. It's not worth your time to worry about her. She's never going to change her thought process.

[Anonymous]

I think you could use this as an opportunity to rethink your own views on family holidays, honestly. You clearly think of your family as yours and DH's as his, which fine, but your children are as equally your MIL's grandchildren as they are your own parents' and given the way you've written your complaint here, you don't seem to get that. It's undoubtedly hard enough that their own son isn't willing to try to make some of their larger family holiday get-togethers without a resentful, possessive DIL so aggressively privileging her birth family when there are now grandchildren involved. I get you're constantly irritated at your DH but yeah, I do think you should consider spending some actual holidays with your in-laws, even if only as a brief drop-in so they can see their grandkids, unless there are genuine other mitigating factors such as abuse.

And no, I'm not a MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'm not one to side with ILs but I do see MIL's point. If DD spends every holiday with OP's family and the ILs only see her on the weekend after it seems worth the effort to now and again stop by for a visit. Not every holiday. Not every time. But worth it to let DD see DH's family on a holiday.

Otherwise, it's not your job to make everything perfectly even.

[Anonymous]

If MIL wants to see her grandchildren on a holiday, she needs to persuade her son to take that day off. Sounds like OP has been carrying the load for all the holidays for years and her family takes some of that burden off.

[Anonymous]

Does your MIL want you and the kids to come for the holiday, even if your DH isn’t there? I think it’s ok for her to complain but not to your kids. Let this one go but if she does it again, maybe say something gently.

If she lives close, can you sometimes swing by for pie on Thanksgiving or stop by on Xmas Eve for a meal? You certainly don’t have to, but if you feel like it’s not too hard, you could. I’m sorry your DH is never available on the actual holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL wants to see her grandchildren on a holiday, she needs to persuade her son to take that day off. Sounds like OP has been carrying the load for all the holidays for years and her family takes some of that burden off.

I agree. Is the MIL sitting back complaining, or is she offering to bring a nice dinner to her DIL to make things nice and easy? Does the MIL expect to see her grandkids on Thursday, at her DILs coordinating, and also again on the weekend? Or is she willing to forego seeing her son over the weekend so that she can see her grandkids on Thursday?

I’d imagine it’s hard on everyone when one parent works a holiday. I’d imagine things run differently. I’m not going to judge OP for clearly trying to make things easiest on herself in her husband’s absence on the holiday. MIL could try that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dh isn’t super into spending time with his family. I used to really push him, especially after having kids, but then people here told me he would become resentful of me for that, and he was, so I backed down. He’s also in the medical field and works most [u]holidays. We’ve always celebrated with his family the weekend after a holiday, since we’ve been married, and he’s never joined my family holidays because of work—I always attend on the day so that the weekends can be freed up so we can celebrate with Dh and his family. But there has always been jealousy issues with Mil. Unfortunately, I’m not going to sit alone or not attend my family holiday when Dh is working, just so Mil isn’t jealous. It’s not as though I particularly love that we never have a holiday as a family, and it’s not as though I love celebrating holidays twice, but this is our life.

I guess Dd told Mil that last year my sister made her favorite pie for Thanksgiving. Mil huffed under her breath that she never “gets” a holiday. Nope, and neither do we. Talk to your son about his profession. I don’t like that she’s dragging our kids into the mess with her jealousy and snide comments. How do I handle this? Dh doesn’t care, says it is what it is and fully supports the way we do things. But I feel like Mil is attacking me in front of my kids. Ignore or?

If he doesn't work ALL holidays, why can't you spend the ones he doesn't work with your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

I'm in the medical field. Nobody works ALL holidays unless they choose to.

[Anonymous]

You are totally overthinking this. Firstly, your DD will feel good to know her grandma misses her on a holiday. Secondly, just stop stressing about it, and stop telling MIL each time you're seeing your family.

[Anonymous]

Is the extent of this that your MIL mumbles something? Did you kid volunteer this information or do you interrogate her about things she and grandma talk about?
If the extent of this is that grandma huffed under her breath, everything on your part sounds way more insane.
Analyzing a couple of huffed words, that are right?

[Anonymous]

Look, if you were in your MIL's shoes, how would you feel? Her reaction is normal, though the delivery childish.

I think it's not too much to ask to stop by the ILs on a holiday itself once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore it. My mom gets all huffy and snide about the fact that we go on vacation with my inlaws one week a year and she “never gets a vacation”. Nothing is stopping my parents from going on vacation - physically or financially.

Just like my kids, I grew up with one set of grandparents I saw every weekend and one set I saw 1-2x a year for a week or so. My mom made the decision to move so she could be the “Sunday night dinner” grandma. She doesn’t get to have it both ways. I just ignore her immature fits.

[Anonymous]

PPs are right, it isn't fair of you to not bring your DD to ILS for any holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the medical field. Nobody works ALL holidays unless they choose to.

I explicitly said most. ILs typically travel before Christmas voluntarily, and we celebrate afterward. Dh is typically off Christmas if he works TG, TG if he works Christmas.