Something Mil told Dd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

This is what I was wondering! Did everyone conveniently gloss over the first couple sentences? MIL issues are with her son, who isn’t interested and thinks the arrangement is fine.

MIL has relationships with her DIL and grandchildren that are separate from her relationship with her son. They don’t all have to be distant just because the son and MIL are.

OP, even if you made the drive once every other year, it would help. It doesn’t have to be each and every time her husband is working.

Any chance your family could include MIL one holiday?

I wouldn't reward someone making snide comments to my child. That isn't how you build a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

This is what I was wondering! Did everyone conveniently gloss over the first couple sentences? MIL issues are with her son, who isn’t interested and thinks the arrangement is fine.

MIL has relationships with her DIL and grandchildren that are separate from her relationship with her son. They don’t all have to be distant just because the son and MIL are.

OP, even if you made the drive once every other year, it would help. It doesn’t have to be each and every time her husband is working.

Any chance your family could include MIL one holiday?

I wouldn't reward someone making snide comments to my child. That isn't how you build a relationship.

People are human. Multiple comments are one thing. A single truthful comment made under her breath from a place of pain is forgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

They are making an equal effort. OP's family aren't driving to her either, she's going to them. So you want the ILs to make a MUCH BIGGER effort by bringing her pie or driving to her, while she caters to her side.

I'm almost always team DIL on this board but this is really bad behavior on OP's part as a family member. You can argue that her DH is worse, I guess, but it doesn't change that she's being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Completely ignore it. If your MIL wants to say something to you or DH, she can. Otherwise, you just pretend you heard nothing. Your system works fine for you and your husband. He does not want to spend holidays with his family; this is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

I think people here are just being deliberately holier than thou about this because I bet my pumpkin pie none of them would actually sacrifice time with their family to visit their husband’s family when he’s working, just to visit again. I smell BS. Also, the comment makes you wonder why the husband isn’t too into his parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

They are making an equal effort. OP's family aren't driving to her either, she's going to them. So you want the ILs to make a MUCH BIGGER effort by bringing her pie or driving to her, while she caters to her side.

I'm almost always team DIL on this board but this is really bad behavior on OP's part as a family member. You can argue that her DH is worse, I guess, but it doesn't change that she's being ridiculous.

How is it bad behavior that DIL spends the weekend after a holiday with DH and in-laws? So, the DIL should spend the holiday with her in-laws and then the weekend after with her DH and in-laws?
If the DH doesn't show up the weekend after that would leave room for the MIL to complain she doesn't see her son. If the DH spends the weekend alone on the weekend with in-laws then DIL doesn't get to spend time with her DH.
If the DH is fine with the way things are I would just leave well enough alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

I think people here are just being deliberately holier than thou about this because I bet my pumpkin pie none of them would actually sacrifice time with their family to visit their husband’s family when he’s working, just to visit again. I smell BS. Also, the comment makes you wonder why the husband isn’t too into his parents...

This is really false. My kid deserves a relationship with both side of her family. I might not make as much of an effort to get to exactly 50/50 if my DH was dragging his feet, but this is the far end of the spectrum. No holidays, ever, and every one with her family? And everyone lives within driving distance?

"The comment" that you're trying to turn into MIL is a bad person was a true statement. She never gets to see her grandchildren on holidays, and that is not fair. If there were abuse or alcoholism or guns laying around or any good reason for the imbalance, OP would have said so. Instead it's just "why me???" when the answer is, "because you're the one deciding who your kids spend holidays with." You can't intentionally snub someone for years and then complain when they notice they're being snubbed that their noticing is the reason you did it. Logic!

[Anonymous]

Wait 'till you are a grandmother, OP. This will come back to haunt you.

[Anonymous]

Invite both sets of grandparents to your home on a rotating basis. Ask your parents to invite your MIL to their house. Or, ask MIL if she is up for hosting your parents at her house.

Put your thinking cap on. Stop being a martyr. Be grateful you have local family (even a full 2 hours' drive is pretty dang local) who want to see your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

I think OP should make more of an effort but I also think what you’ve written here is totally fair. Maybe put it up as an option for MIL to choose - would you like us to swing by on Thanksgiving day or wait until the weekend so we can come as a family?

And yes if OP had said MIL was consistently rude or critical, the responses here would have been different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dh isn’t super into spending time with his family. I used to really push him, especially after having kids, but then people here told me he would become resentful of me for that, and he was, so I backed down. He’s also in the medical field and works most holidays. We’ve always celebrated with his family the weekend after a holiday, since we’ve been married, and he’s never joined my family holidays because of work—I always attend on the day so that the weekends can be freed up so we can celebrate with Dh and his family. But there has always been jealousy issues with Mil. Unfortunately, I’m not going to sit alone or not attend my family holiday when Dh is working, just so Mil isn’t jealous. It’s not as though I particularly love that we never have a holiday as a family, and it’s not as though I love celebrating holidays twice, but this is our life.

I guess Dd told Mil that last year my sister made her favorite pie for Thanksgiving. Mil huffed under her breath that she never “gets” a holiday. Nope, and neither do we. Talk to your son about his profession. I don’t like that she’s dragging our kids into the mess with her jealousy and snide comments. How do I handle this? Dh doesn’t care, says it is what it is and fully supports the way we do things. But I feel like Mil is attacking me in front of my kids. Ignore or?

This isn't a rude or critical comment. It's passive-aggressive whining. Not particularly mature, but nothing to punish her for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I'd be willing to spend a holiday with my in-laws without my spouse is if that was it -- I'm not schlepping over there the next weekend, too, to do it all again with my husband. AND if the in-laws were nice to me. I'm not giving up a holiday with my family to spend it with my husband's parents *without him*, if they are rude or critical or unkind or unwelcoming to me. If they treat me like crap, or like an unfortunate side-effect of seeing their grandkids, then tough luck.

I think people here are just being deliberately holier than thou about this because I bet my pumpkin pie none of them would actually sacrifice time with their family to visit their husband’s family when he’s working, just to visit again. I smell BS. Also, the comment makes you wonder why the husband isn’t too into his parents...

This is really false. My kid deserves a relationship with both side of her family. I might not make as much of an effort to get to exactly 50/50 if my DH was dragging his feet, but this is the far end of the spectrum. No holidays, ever, and every one with her family? And everyone lives within driving distance?

"The comment" that you're trying to turn into MIL is a bad person was a true statement. She never gets to see her grandchildren on holidays, and that is not fair. If there were abuse or alcoholism or guns laying around or any good reason for the imbalance, OP would have said so. Instead it's just "why me???" when the answer is, "because you're the one deciding who your kids spend holidays with." You can't intentionally snub someone for years and then complain when they notice they're being snubbed that their noticing is the reason you did it. Logic!

But that’s the way it is. I’m sure it stinks for OP and her kids that THEIR FATHER/HUSBAND isn’t home some holidays, too. But by all means, you’re right; the MIL only gets to spend THE WEEKEND with her son and grandchildren. Poor her. I mean, some people don’t even get to see their grandkids on holidays AT ALL. This woman gets a weekend and still complains because her son and grandkids aren’t there because HE IS WORKING. Plus, on top of that, he’s not even close to his parents. Yet somehow this is the wife’s issue. Ok...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the in-laws really wanted to spend time during holidays they would make an EQUAL effort and not just make passive-aggressive comments to a grandchild.
Why isn't anyone questioning why the DH doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his parents?

They are making an equal effort. OP's family aren't driving to her either, she's going to them. So you want the ILs to make a MUCH BIGGER effort by bringing her pie or driving to her, while she caters to her side.

I'm almost always team DIL on this board but this is really bad behavior on OP's part as a family member. You can argue that her DH is worse, I guess, but it doesn't change that she's being ridiculous.

How is it bad behavior that DIL spends the weekend after a holiday with DH and in-laws? So, the DIL should spend the holiday with her in-laws and then the weekend after with her DH and in-laws?
If the DH doesn't show up the weekend after that would leave room for the MIL to complain she doesn't see her son. If the DH spends the weekend alone on the weekend with in-laws then DIL doesn't get to spend time with her DH.
If the DH is fine with the way things are I would just leave well enough alone.

This is so obtuse. She spends the weekend after with them BECAUSE she never spends the holiday with them. If she saw them on the holiday she wouldn't visit with them again a week later.

People here are working really hard to pretend never seeing one side of the family on holidays, while always traveling to see the other side, when both are the same distance away, is perfectly normal. It's not. It's unbalanced, there doesn't appear to be a good reason for it other than OP is irritated with her DH's work schedule, and the grandma who wishes she could see her grandkids is not a monster for that extremely natural wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait 'till you are a grandmother, OP. This will come back to haunt you.

Only if OP has a poor relationship with her kids, is jealous, and is okay with making rude comments to her grandchildren.
The DH and family spend the weekend after with his parents every year because of his job. What is the big deal? The grandparent had the opportunity to make an awful comment to the grandchild, so obviously they have a relationship.