Bedtime is hell with my almost-10-year-old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's stress-related because of the pandemic, which is understandable. You're more stressed out, too, which probably makes it harder to handle her resistance.

Give her a break. Be more loving and forgiving if you can be. Do the same for yourself. These are historic times.

OP here. I hear you.

The problem is, DH and I *need* to go to bed at 10. Some of these battles last until 11 some days, and my DH (who has some OCD) simply can't handle it. And it's a battle because she will not leave our room. She'll jump on the bed to play. (which we have engaged in sometimes). Or sometimes it will be lying on our floor screaming "I'm not tired!!!"

Your bedroom needs to be off-limits for now. Try to be more consistent with her daily routines. She definitely needs it.

[Anonymous]

OP here... we tried melatonin - can’t tell yet if it is helping. To answer a few questions from other posters -

She is very athletic and she does play a sport 3x a week plus has friends on our street she plays with. Screen time has picked up since the pandemic but honestly, who hasn’t experienced that?

She has always been a strong-willed, independent child. No signs of ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... we tried melatonin - can’t tell yet if it is helping. To answer a few questions from other posters -

She is very athletic and she does play a sport 3x a week plus has friends on our street she plays with. Screen time has picked up since the pandemic but honestly, who hasn’t experienced that?

She has always been a strong-willed, independent child. No signs of ADHD.

Also - she hates to read. School is frustrating her as well. She is very extroverted.

[Anonymous]

Can you have her shower before dinner?
More exercise. No screens or sugar a couple of hours before bed. Maybe start letting her read in bed for half an hour before lights out. Does she respond to the idea of becoming more mature and taking on more responsibility? If so, lean in that idea.

Do not let her jump on your bed screaming and keeping you awake.

[Anonymous]

10:25 here. Sorry, I posted before I saw your update that she hates to read. Does she like comics or graphic novels, at least? Does she like to draw and is that something she could do in bed?

[Anonymous]

Does she like audio books?

[Anonymous]

Are you still allowing her in your bedroom?

[Anonymous]

If falling asleep is a problem for her, that is unfortunate, but at 9, I can't believe you are accepting bad behavior re: going to bed. Go to bed already. That's 6 yrs old behavior.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't like reading, maybe she can color, do another craft, puzzles, or listen to relaxing music in her room.

You can have family playtime or whatever earlier. Maybe institute a wind down time as a family. You can play a game or read something together as a family.

She is 10 so she can ( hopefully) explain her feelings to you better than say a 2 year old so if she's anxious that needs to be addressed, but you do need to establish some boundaries and consequences regarding your room and inappropriate behavior .

[Anonymous]

Your ten year old is jumping on your bed at 11pm? Telling she is not tired and wants to play?
You have way bigger issues than her sleeping!
Is she on stimulants? If not, she needs an eval and you and your dh need to learn to parent your daughter.
Gosh sakes! You don't know what to do with a 10 year old jumping on your bed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... we tried melatonin - can’t tell yet if it is helping. To answer a few questions from other posters -

She is very athletic and she does play a sport 3x a week plus has friends on our street she plays with. Screen time has picked up since the pandemic but honestly, who hasn’t experienced that?

She has always been a strong-willed, independent child. No signs of ADHD.

Translation, op and her dh let dd run the roost, and do not parent. Woman, act like a parent and tell that child to cut the crap.

[Anonymous]

With my bedtime hater we’ve figured out that he showers best right after physical activity - so often one of us will take him to play basketball and then he showers as soon as he gets home from that while we finish making dinner.

Then, he brushes teeth after dinner, and can read in bed until he falls asleep.

It’s far from perfect, but we have done better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if I'd necessarily lock the door, but I do think this calls for some "cry it out method" pre-teen style. At some point, you and your husband have to go to bed and just ignore the tantrums and whines.

And as a PP said, I'd absolutely lose my shit if a kid was jumping on my bed at 10 at night wanting to play. Absolutely no screens (or whatever her currency is) for quite a while if she did that.

You have to treat the problem, not the symptom. They sound like they are not parenting the kid they have the way she needs to be parented right now. That the dh has OCD is significant.

+ 1 on the DH with OCD

This stuff runs in families. ADHD/anxiety, etc.

[Anonymous]

We have a bedtime routine that we started with now 11 year old younger DS when he was a toddler. First parent goes in At 9 and chats with DS while making sure the closet and bathroom doors are closed and there is “nothing bad outside”. He then gets two imaginary force fields applied using the same words and gestures. Then he gets three things to think about. Second lucky parent (somehow usually DH) just makes a brief appearance to say Good night, love you.

I tried to wean him off this routine a couple years ago, primarily because I was extremely burned out after trying to think of three interesting things to think about most nights for years on end, but the rituals are clearly meaningful to him and help him relax. It definitely takes him some time to get to sleep, and I think the routine helps keep anxiety at bay. We always have him shower right after he gets home from sport’s practice or running around outside, and we usually watch a movie or show or sports with him on nights where there is free time after dinner. If he hated reading like OP’s DD, I would see if having a set routine with some audiobook or podcast time in the dark room would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bedtime was a nightmare until we started having DS take a melatonin gummy every night.

OMG. Why didn't I think of this?

+1. For some kids it works like magic. It does on my kids but we feel weird about giving it regularly. I will say if your kid is falling asleep at 11 sometime you should start her bedtime routine early. I was putting my 8 year old down at 8 to get him to bed at 9 and now we start at 7 to get him down by 815 at the latest. He’s less tired and bedtimes are easier.