Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she is 93. Maybe she would rather live her life at home even if it means she might die because she falls and no one is there to help her. Given covid, a nursing home etc would be way more dangerous right now.

+1000 on both counts. FYI the person I know who moved in their 90's to assisted living died within 3 weeks. I don't know the circumstance, but until Covid is over, it's better to be in one's own home with as few outside contacts as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

Np- personally , what I don’t understand, is why you’re continuing to enable her to such a huge extent if you are clearly unhappy with it. “Mom, arranging your groceries, cleaning, cooking, bathing, lawn care, etc is a full time job that I can no longer do. I’ll hire someone to do it all for you, but i can’t do it all anymore.” Or just continually kick the ball down the road. “I can’t come cook for you this afternoon. Get take out and I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh you don’t know how to order take out? I call bull shit since you just called me to complain about needing me to cook you dinner.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

Np- personally , what I don’t understand, is why you’re continuing to enable her to such a huge extent if you are clearly unhappy with it. “Mom, arranging your groceries, cleaning, cooking, bathing, lawn care, etc is a full time job that I can no longer do. I’ll hire someone to do it all for you, but i can’t do it all anymore.” Or just continually kick the ball down the road. “I can’t come cook for you this afternoon. Get take out and I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh you don’t know how to order take out? I call bull shit since you just called me to complain about needing me to cook you dinner.”

She says her mom can't hear on the phone. She's probably able to talk on the phone but a take out order might be beyond her.

OP, what if something happened to you--an emergency hospitalization and (for whatever reason) other people weren't aware of the responsibilities for your mom? Is it possible that if you brought that possibility up to her she might agree to a change? Fact is she is unable to independently care for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

Np- personally , what I don’t understand, is why you’re continuing to enable her to such a huge extent if you are clearly unhappy with it. “Mom, arranging your groceries, cleaning, cooking, bathing, lawn care, etc is a full time job that I can no longer do. I’ll hire someone to do it all for you, but i can’t do it all anymore.” Or just continually kick the ball down the road. “I can’t come cook for you this afternoon. Get take out and I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh you don’t know how to order take out? I call bull shit since you just called me to complain about needing me to cook you dinner.”

She says her mom can't hear on the phone. She's probably able to talk on the phone but a take out order might be beyond her.

OP, what if something happened to you--an emergency hospitalization and (for whatever reason) other people weren't aware of the responsibilities for your mom? Is it possible that if you brought that possibility up to her she might agree to a change? Fact is she is unable to independently care for herself.

Yes, Captain Obvious...and all of you Captains (!) Yes. I know all this. Does KNOWING it change anything? No. You cannot force her to move. No, social services cannot do it. Yes, we stopped enabling and so she just didn't eat. Trash didn't go out, clothes were not laundered.

Here's the thing...if SS did get involved, where do yoy suppose the blame would go? Yes, us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

Np- personally , what I don’t understand, is why you’re continuing to enable her to such a huge extent if you are clearly unhappy with it. “Mom, arranging your groceries, cleaning, cooking, bathing, lawn care, etc is a full time job that I can no longer do. I’ll hire someone to do it all for you, but i can’t do it all anymore.” Or just continually kick the ball down the road. “I can’t come cook for you this afternoon. Get take out and I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh you don’t know how to order take out? I call bull shit since you just called me to complain about needing me to cook you dinner.”

She says her mom can't hear on the phone. She's probably able to talk on the phone but a take out order might be beyond her.

OP, what if something happened to you--an emergency hospitalization and (for whatever reason) other people weren't aware of the responsibilities for your mom? Is it possible that if you brought that possibility up to her she might agree to a change? Fact is she is unable to independently care for herself.

Yes, Captain Obvious...and all of you Captains (!) Yes. I know all this. Does KNOWING it change anything? No. You cannot force her to move. No, social services cannot do it. Yes, we stopped enabling and so she just didn't eat. Trash didn't go out, clothes were not laundered.

Here's the thing...if SS did get involved, where do you suppose the blame would go? Yes, us.

PP, I'm in a similar situation with my folks cross-country, but I'm lucky enough to have my sister there. She's burning out and I fully get it! My mother has now gotten them into a ton of debt and run the account down. I have a perfect solution that would make them solvent again, living on their own Social Security, in a comfortable home they are familiar with, etc. They won't move. My sister is PISSED off and guess who other family members are blaming? Me and my sister! Because we are trying to force them out of an unsafe situation they can't afford.

SCREW all these people with their criticism of you. I'm pissed off too. And we have every right to be pissed.

[Anonymous]

Total sympathy to you OP. This is not a solution for everything at all but maybe you can get a Nest camera or something like that and hide it away so at least you can see her moving around or when she hasn't moved in a while so you know something might have gone wrong. You can position it in a way or put it on a setting that wouldn't invade her privacy if that's a concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Total sympathy to you OP. This is not a solution for everything at all but maybe you can get a Nest camera or something like that and hide it away so at least you can see her moving around or when she hasn't moved in a while so you know something might have gone wrong. You can position it in a way or put it on a setting that wouldn't invade her privacy if that's a concern.

Yeah, totally have considered a Nest, she refuses of course, so it would be secret and I guess illegal , but really we have zero idea if she's alive, fallen down, etc. Probably will, or even a motion detector.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Total sympathy to you OP. This is not a solution for everything at all but maybe you can get a Nest camera or something like that and hide it away so at least you can see her moving around or when she hasn't moved in a while so you know something might have gone wrong. You can position it in a way or put it on a setting that wouldn't invade her privacy if that's a concern.

Yeah, totally have considered a Nest, she refuses of course, so it would be secret and I guess illegal , but really we have zero idea if she's alive, fallen down, etc. Probably will, or even a motion detector.

I’m the PP who’s parents won’t move. My SIL is a nurse and said that unfortunately, it’s going to take a crisis to make things happen. She also suggested going to your Mom’s physician and see if they will write a letter stating the situation is unsafe in their opinion. You can then take that to social services and make the ball start rolling, and it won’t be you that is forcing the change.

Don’t feel guilty if she does fall down. My great aunt refused to move and died alone on her floor. I feel sad about that but also understand that we all did try to get her to move, so no one felt guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

What if it’s unsafe to do so?

[Anonymous]

I assume she lives near you and you do this? Start transitioning. Invent a medical issue that will keep you away for a week. Can you hire someone for a two day job? If so, say you are bringing "your" cleaning person over to meet her beforehand and help you with the usual chores that day and that this person will come "just once" during your recuperation and spot clean/run errands while you can't. See how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

What if it’s unsafe to do so?

A 94 yr old is on the brink of death either way. Safety is no longer an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

What if it’s unsafe to do so?

A 94 yr old is on the brink of death either way. Safety is no longer an issue.

Ah, no understanding and nothing to offer. Great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Total sympathy to you OP. This is not a solution for everything at all but maybe you can get a Nest camera or something like that and hide it away so at least you can see her moving around or when she hasn't moved in a while so you know something might have gone wrong. You can position it in a way or put it on a setting that wouldn't invade her privacy if that's a concern.

You might also consider buying a couple Amaxon ALEXA Echo Shows. You can set it so you drop in on them, rather than making them answer the call. It is a face to face way to speak with them daily. You can push reminders to them, set alarms and notices of upcoming events. Not a perfect solution, but a work around until a senior care facility is safe AND you can see them at will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

What if it’s unsafe to do so?

A 94 yr old is on the brink of death either way. Safety is no longer an issue.

Ah, no understanding and nothing to offer. Great.

NP here. You say that, but yet, everyone here pushing suggestions for moving the woman out of her home are the ones completely missing the point. Really, what is the risk of leaving this woman in her home? She falls and dies? She has a stroke? Gets dehydrated? She's 93 and will die on her own terms. That's the point. My parents moved into one of those graduated senior living communities, 18 months ago withoug fully understanding how many decisions about how they live would be taken out of their hands. Now, since my father had some abdominal issues, went to the hospital (though I urged them to stop going to the hospital), was given anasthesia for a colonoscopy they didn't even understand that he was having, developed sudden onset delirium as a result, was put in nursing care in their community upon return and my parents haven't laid eyes on each other in 4 months because of COVID. I knew moving into that place was huge mistake, but my older sisters insisted because they don't have the critical thinking skills to really understand what it entailed and think that's just what everyone should do. It was a huge mistake and their lives came to a pretty tragic ending. I can see that both of the have given up and it's just a matter of time. Tragic. People, stop forcing your loved ones into these situations.