Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

This!! Let them stay in their homes. I don’t blame them.

What if it’s unsafe to do so?

A 94 yr old is on the brink of death either way. Safety is no longer an issue.

Ah, no understanding and nothing to offer. Great.

NP here. You say that, but yet, everyone here pushing suggestions for moving the woman out of her home are the ones completely missing the point. Really, what is the risk of leaving this woman in her home? She falls and dies? She has a stroke? Gets dehydrated? She's 93 and will die on her own terms. That's the point. My parents moved into one of those graduated senior living communities, 18 months ago withoug fully understanding how many decisions about how they live would be taken out of their hands. Now, since my father had some abdominal issues, went to the hospital (though I urged them to stop going to the hospital), was given anasthesia for a colonoscopy they didn't even understand that he was having, developed sudden onset delirium as a result, was put in nursing care in their community upon return and my parents haven't laid eyes on each other in 4 months because of COVID. I knew moving into that place was huge mistake, but my older sisters insisted because they don't have the critical thinking skills to really understand what it entailed and think that's just what everyone should do. It was a huge mistake and their lives came to a pretty tragic ending. I can see that both of the have given up and it's just a matter of time. Tragic. People, stop forcing your loved ones into these situations.

I completely agree with you PP. Americans are so deluded about preventing death. We are all going to die eventually. Assisted living won’t prevent it.

[Anonymous]

I would have her move to the White House

[Anonymous]

Parent ended up dying at home with no one knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

You can jumpstart this process by calling APS anonymously. She is not able to live independently.

^Cowardly move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

this is insightful.

This is what my mother’s primary care told us and it worked. First move to assisted living was a UTI that landed her in the hospital, then rehab, then magically onto Assisted Living. The second incident involved a lung infection then rehab then magically onto a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent refuses to leave her large colonial home. She is dependent upon others for food, repairs, all phone calls out to doctors, servicemen, cannot clean her house, eats only carbohydrates and wine. Generally well, but gets sick often with flu and various sinus infections. All the neighbors she knew have moved away.
Won't get hearing aid
Won't hire outside cleaners
Refuses technology that would help monitor her ....motion detectors, life alert
necklace, cell phone, refuses all computer use
Cannot hear much over the phone.

What to do? Oh- hates most people. Won't have an aide, won't socialize with any peers. [/quote

Leave her be. Sounds like she is doing what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

Wisdom here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just moved my mom against her will. It was for the safety of my Dad (who did want to move). And she did need to move, but was stubborn (and scared, mild dementia).

I tricked her into coming to my house. Lied about why I was gone (and DH and DC were there) and moved everything to their new place. It sucked and was stressful. And she is upset about stuff we got rid of (that she told us for years she wanted to get rid of). But it’s been better for everybody involved.

At some point older people don’t realize how bad it is, how much they’ve changed because they still think of themselves as the younger version of themselves. (Heck, I still see myself as 16 and am shocked when a 50yo is staring back at me from the mirror. So I understand. ) At some point, the people around them have to force the issue.

I just wanted to come back and say my parents have settled in and it was the best thing for them. My Mom still misses her big house. But she's doesn't have to cook as many meals and cleaning is much easier since it's 1/2 as big. I'm only 15-20 mins away so I can come over all the time. My Mom was going through one of her paranoid delusional hours-long conversations that would often lead to violence against my Dad. He was able to call me and I came right over. Was able to distract her enough that my Dad could leave the conversation and go to bed. I was able to deescalate my Mom and she went to sleep happy. (Now that they are getting at least 1 meal a day, my Mom is eating better and is less and less paranoid/delusional.)

They have a medical clinic on-site and the doctors have been great. Trying to find an gerontologist and a geriatric psychiatrist had been impossible. But here, all the PCP are experts on aging. And we were finally able to see a Mental Health NP that knows what the F she is talking about.

I think my Mom's biggest fears of moving here haven't happened. And I think the idea of moving was overwhelming. Since I took that 100% off their plate and made all the decisions (in coordination with my Dad) including handled the decluttering, packing and unpacking (Hired people), it was so much less stressful and overwhelming that she anticipated. So all my Mom had do do was unpack her suitcase.

Moving her secretly, even during a pandemic, was the best decision and I'm glad we did it.

That being said, it's been easier than moving to Assisted Living. She is in Independent Living with my Dad. We are able to see them regularly. She has a few friends in the area.

OP--it's so hard seeing someone you love decline. And it's equally infuriating that they don't see the burden it is placing on you. As some of the PP have mentioned, moving into Assisted Living right now might not be the best. But if she was closer to you in Independent Living would that work for you? Trying to manage someone's life from a distance is impossible. Even if she isn't ready to move now, start touring facilities in you area and get on waiting lists if you need to. Line up declutters and movers and anything else you might need. Hire a handyman now to do some repairs to slowly get the house ready for selling. So once the crisis happens, and it probably will, you have all your ducks in a row and you can spring into action.

Don't forget the legal stuff like durable POA and wills and stuff. Having those in place as made a really tough situation much easier.

Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

I'll say it again. She died in her house, with no one knowing. Just fell and died. We found her later the next day.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss. You did the best you could.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with you PP. Americans are so deluded about preventing death. We are all going to die eventually. Assisted living won’t prevent it.

NP. At Assisted living they will be helped right away if they fall. Surrounded by people and perhaps even make some friends.
Having them all alone in the house is worrying. They might lie injured for days?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

You can jumpstart this process by calling APS anonymously. She is not able to live independently.

^Cowardly move.

I'm PP. If you say so, but if someone had done it, maybe she wouldn't have died on her floor alone.

I work in a nursing home. I've seen a lot of injuries that could have been prevented by someone making a call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll say it again. She died in her house, with no one knowing. Just fell and died. We found her later the next day.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can tell you are angry and hurting and I am wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for your loss. I hope there is some peace in knowing she died where she wanted to be in her final days and on her own terms.

That said, since I have been to these rodeo a few times, both sides are making this way more clear cut than it is. My own mother is determined to age in place and I see as her friends move away or she alienates them with her awful behavior, the isolation is making her even more nutty and unhappy. She keeps taking herself off depression meds. In assisted living she could be properly medicated and make more friends (post pandemic) and have a life. While yes the initial transition is dramatic and awful, I have found within a few months it starts to get better. There is nothing like knowing your loved one is safer and seeing them connecting with others.

Alone in her home mom will need a meal service when she cannot cook. She will need a driver because she cannot walk anywhere. She will need someone to bathe her because there is no room to put a tub on the main floor. She will not have neighbors who care about her since she occasionally treats a neighbor as terribly as she treats me. I will visit her, but I have learned for my own health I cannot subject myself to her abuse often or for very long for a visit. Forgetting the endless safety issues, just having more people involved in making sure she is properly medicated so she can function socially and get along would make a huge difference.