Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

Thank you for posting this. We've been struggling with this exact issue with my grandmother and I think this crystalizes the various thoughts I've had trouble summarizing succinctly.

+1

Also, the very elderly often do not handle moving well. Moving is ranked as a stressor on par with getting a divorce, and very old people often don't have the ability to weather it. YOU might think that it makes no sense for them to stay in a house that's too big, or whatever, but it's their home, and leaving their home is scary and traumatic and disorienting and might not result in a truly better quality of life. It's hard for other family members, but I think all you can do is figure out what you can manage to help and do that, and recognize that it's not likely to be for very long. If you're thinking ahead, plan to move in your 60s if you can, because moving in your 80s or 90s is much harder on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

BS. There is literally no one I've met, who after moving to an independent living or assisted didn't thrive...friends, social, help. Literally no one. Living alone increased depression and illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

This. This. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent refuses to leave her large colonial home. She is dependent upon others for food, repairs, all phone calls out to doctors, servicemen, cannot clean her house, eats only carbohydrates and wine. Generally well, but gets sick often with flu and various sinus infections. All the neighbors she knew have moved away.
Won't get hearing aid
Won't hire outside cleaners
Refuses technology that would help monitor her ....motion detectors, life alert
necklace, cell phone, refuses all computer use
Cannot hear much over the phone.

What to do? Oh- hates most people. Won't have an aide, won't socialize with any peers.

Posters talking about "let her live out her life on her own terms!" may have forgotten the OP's description of an individual dependent on others for food, communication, and a clean place to live.

She is already requiring significant assistance; but rather than being honest about this, and either enlisting the home help she needs or moving to an AL facility, the elder is demanding her adult child provide the care.

Mom isn't living her best life like this, and she is degrading that of her child.

OP, if you're willing to provide all of this back-up for your mother, more power to you, but realize that your quality of life matters, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent refuses to leave her large colonial home. She is dependent upon others for food, repairs, all phone calls out to doctors, servicemen, cannot clean her house, eats only carbohydrates and wine. Generally well, but gets sick often with flu and various sinus infections. All the neighbors she knew have moved away.
Won't get hearing aid
Won't hire outside cleaners
Refuses technology that would help monitor her ....motion detectors, life alert
necklace, cell phone, refuses all computer use
Cannot hear much over the phone.

What to do? Oh- hates most people. Won't have an aide, won't socialize with any peers.

Posters talking about "let her live out her life on her own terms!" may have forgotten the OP's description of an individual dependent on others for food, communication, and a clean place to live.

She is already requiring significant assistance; but rather than being honest about this, and either enlisting the home help she needs or moving to an AL facility, the elder is demanding her adult child provide the care.

Mom isn't living her best life like this, and she is degrading that of her child.

OP, if you're willing to provide all of this back-up for your mother, more power to you, but realize that your quality of life matters, too.

We are worried that something will happen, we won't know, snow storm with power outtage, flood in basement, fire, etc. The small things fine, but these are the bigger things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

This. This. This.

Yes, this. This is exactly how my grandparents finally left their home when they were both 95.

[Anonymous]

Leave her be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent refuses to leave her large colonial home. She is dependent upon others for food, repairs, all phone calls out to doctors, servicemen, cannot clean her house, eats only carbohydrates and wine. Generally well, but gets sick often with flu and various sinus infections. All the neighbors she knew have moved away.
Won't get hearing aid
Won't hire outside cleaners
Refuses technology that would help monitor her ....motion detectors, life alert
necklace, cell phone, refuses all computer use
Cannot hear much over the phone.

What to do? Oh- hates most people. Won't have an aide, won't socialize with any peers.

Posters talking about "let her live out her life on her own terms!" may have forgotten the OP's description of an individual dependent on others for food, communication, and a clean place to live.

She is already requiring significant assistance; but rather than being honest about this, and either enlisting the home help she needs or moving to an AL facility, the elder is demanding her adult child provide the care.

Mom isn't living her best life like this, and she is degrading that of her child.

OP, if you're willing to provide all of this back-up for your mother, more power to you, but realize that your quality of life matters, too.

So this! OP is (or feels) she is responsible for her. The 93 yr old decisions (or lack thereof) affect OPs life. This is not something you can just ignore. Definitely takes up a lot of head space and is stressful waiting for the next accident or illness to happen. Been there done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

+1

IF they can afford it. My parents cannot - my mother is driving them further into debt and they have about 20K left in saving. ALL the other money is tied up in the home (paid off) and they can't qualify for a reverse mortgage OR a home equity loan due to the debt load (about 60K easily).

You both are also not considering whether or not the aged lives with/near family and the amount of time and money spent by their families if they don't. My folks live cross-country and the stress on me is immense and Covid has increased it 10-fold.

[Anonymous]

Start doing research into places that offer care for the price of Social Security payments. Then wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

If this were always true, then Adult Protective Services would not exist. As a community we do not allow people to slowly starve due to self-neglect, for instance.

[Anonymous]

If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

You can jumpstart this process by calling APS anonymously. She is not able to live independently.

[Anonymous]

Given COVID, it seems like not a good time to start this process. Maybe wait a year.