Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

[Anonymous]

Parent refuses to leave her large colonial home. She is dependent upon others for food, repairs, all phone calls out to doctors, servicemen, cannot clean her house, eats only carbohydrates and wine. Generally well, but gets sick often with flu and various sinus infections. All the neighbors she knew have moved away.
Won't get hearing aid
Won't hire outside cleaners
Refuses technology that would help monitor her ....motion detectors, life alert
necklace, cell phone, refuses all computer use
Cannot hear much over the phone.

What to do? Oh- hates most people. Won't have an aide, won't socialize with any peers.

[Anonymous]

To some degree I think you must let her live her life. If she needs food (and wine) she must allow someone to help her.

[Anonymous]

At 93 I'd let her live her own life.

She sounds like she knows what she wants.

[Anonymous]

When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

This is what happened to my dad and six months later, his life and my life are so much better. He’s lost 50 lbs because he can’t get junk food delivered.

[Anonymous]

Wait fir her to die. Sorry op. It’s very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Both my mother and MIL are in their early 90s, getting frail, and do NOT want to leave their homes. At this point, its their choice. My mother lives with my brother and its been working. MIL lives alone and SIL is close and takes care of her. As long as its manageable, why would they be anywhere else?

Do the best you can, OP, but let her live however she wants. Even if it means she's alone when she falls, has a stroke, or dies. My guess is that at some point, she won't be able to sustain this lifestyle and will need hospital care. At that point, you'll have professionals helping you.

In the meantime, talk to her doctor and your local senior services group for help. Good luck, this isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

this is insightful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my mother and MIL are in their early 90s, getting frail, and do NOT want to leave their homes. At this point, its their choice. My mother lives with my brother and its been working. MIL lives alone and SIL is close and takes care of her. As long as its manageable, why would they be anywhere else?

Do the best you can, OP, but let her live however she wants. Even if it means she's alone when she falls, has a stroke, or dies. My guess is that at some point, she won't be able to sustain this lifestyle and will need hospital care. At that point, you'll have professionals helping you.

In the meantime, talk to her doctor and your local senior services group for help. Good luck, this isn't easy.

well my grandmother moved into assisted living in her late 80s specifically so she would not be a burden on us. It’s an incredibly selfish thing for the elderly to refuse to downsize and make reasonable plans, and just assume their kids will shoulder the whole load.

[Anonymous]

People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

[Anonymous]

Are there any subtle ways you can implement a few things to make life easier?
For example, "for your birthday this year, we hired a 1x house cleaner to clean the house. Don't worry, the cleaning lady is only doing the bathroom, kitchen, vaccuming ,and mopping. Then she's gone." - type thing.
SHe might be too proud to ask for help or for assistance, but if it's given to her without a lot fuss she might be more willing to give it a try.

Meals On Wheels has been discontinued in many areas (I'm not sure where you're posting from), but a lot of counties have tweaked it so food can be available. Look into that.

Give her a phone that lights up/big blinking light when it rings. There is something similar for doorbells too.

Otherwise just let her be. She doesn't know any better (technology for example) and the lack of cleanliness and the like doesn't bother her (enough) .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

Thank you for posting this. We've been struggling with this exact issue with my grandmother and I think this crystalizes the various thoughts I've had trouble summarizing succinctly.

[Anonymous]

There are amplified telephones specifically designed for the hearing impaired that might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have a right to live out their days as they wish, as painful as it can be to watch. At that age, any day a person can spend contentedly is a treasure. Moving them someplace they don’t want to be “benefits” only family members/friends who feel responsible for ensuring that person lives as long as possible, happy or not.

It’s hard, and I went through something similar with multiple family members (strong opinions about wanting to remain at home), including my parents. My perspective changed after seeing people moved “for their own good,” after which they were bitter and lived the rest of their days depressed. IMO it’s better to live a slightly shorter life on your own terms.

+1

[Anonymous]

Not your decision. Let her be.