Almost 93, frail, very poor hearing ..will not move

[Anonymous]

My parents tried to do this and kept saying they had the right to live out their days as they chose BUT like OP's - their 'independence' relied on me and siblings doing shopping, driving, errands. And it wasn't safe. They drove for way too long until accident (luckily just a collision) and not the 'what if you hit a child scenario I pleaded with them to consider w/near blindness and extreme hearing loss.
Setting them up with a driver was declined. They did do peapod finally.
I had a friend who had gone through this w/her parents and she pushed and pushed them and they finally agreed to half time help that soon became full time-24 once my mom died.
It wasn't independent living-it depended on others propping up unsafe and unsustainable conditions. I pray I am not as selfish as them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she gets sick enough to go to the hospital (From dehydration or whatever), they will move her to a rehab center after if no one is home. After that, you can find a temporary place near to you. That can be a local assisted living or nursing home. It is “temporary”. Then keep kicking the “temporary “ ball down the road. The key word to use is “temporary”.

This is the only successful way I have seen work.

+1000

Agree that this is the only way.

Dealt with both my parents and in laws. Tried to convince them it was better to move and get some choice where they would live.Nope. Had to stay in their houses until hospitalization and then it was up to is and the social worker.

I understand, but am determined not to do this to myself when I am older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

[Anonymous]

Let her live how she wants. Help her out financially if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents tried to do this and kept saying they had the right to live out their days as they chose BUT like OP's - their 'independence' relied on me and siblings doing shopping, driving, errands. And it wasn't safe. They drove for way too long until accident (luckily just a collision) and not the 'what if you hit a child scenario I pleaded with them to consider w/near blindness and extreme hearing loss.
Setting them up with a driver was declined. They did do peapod finally.
I had a friend who had gone through this w/her parents and she pushed and pushed them and they finally agreed to half time help that soon became full time-24 once my mom died.
It wasn't independent living-it depended on others propping up unsafe and unsustainable conditions. I pray I am not as selfish as them!!

Let me guess, you are on their will and crying about helping them at the end of their life. I’d remove you and give your share to another sibling more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my mother and MIL are in their early 90s, getting frail, and do NOT want to leave their homes. At this point, its their choice. My mother lives with my brother and its been working. MIL lives alone and SIL is close and takes care of her. As long as its manageable, why would they be anywhere else?

Do the best you can, OP, but let her live however she wants. Even if it means she's alone when she falls, has a stroke, or dies. My guess is that at some point, she won't be able to sustain this lifestyle and will need hospital care. At that point, you'll have professionals helping you.

In the meantime, talk to her doctor and your local senior services group for help. Good luck, this isn't easy.

well my grandmother moved into assisted living in her late 80s specifically so she would not be a burden on us. It’s an incredibly selfish thing for the elderly to refuse to downsize and make reasonable plans, and just assume their kids will shoulder the whole load.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

Who will arrange for those people to order and have food delivered, maintain the house and garden, take her to doctors' appointments, order things for her on Amazon, bring things in from the front porch?

Who will ensure that those people (are there people you can hire to bring things in from the front porch?) don't take advantage of her?

Do you really not get this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

OP, I am sorry for the unhelpful and insensitive responses you are getting from people on this forum.

Some practical solutions might be helpful: she cannot live in an environment that is unhealthy, unsafe or unsanitary. You can tell her that you are concerned about her and, as she took care of you, it is now your turn to take care of her.
1. You can arrange for a cleaning person to come, even 1x per month. That should help keep things in some kind of order. If she is having difficulty doing even small things like washing a fish, consider having someone come more often.
2. Arrange for food delivery. Prepackaged meals that can be delivered weekly. You can be there to put them away. At least you’ll know she has nutritious food on hand.
3. How is she getting the wine? If it’s being delivered, speak to the folks at the store to let them know about your mother’s condition. A frail elderly person should not be drinking alcohol, especially when she’s unsupervised. That can be the recipe for a tragedy.
4. Get her a personal alarm system. A bracelet or a necklace type. She may resist and not use it. The deal is that she keeps it on. When push comes to shove and there is an emergency, she might change her tune.
5. Have a conversation with her doctor. ASAP. Does she have a geriatrician? If not, get her an appointment with one. They specialize in the treatment of the elderly and are familiar with resources for the recalcitrant old. Your mom also needs to be screened for cognitive decline. Her decision making may be impaired in which case she will need you to step in, despite her protests.

I put the last thing at the bottom because it may take the longest. First you secure her current environment as best you can while you wait for the bigger outside supports to be put in place.

You have my sympathy. This is hard in so many ways. I found it helpful to use the same strategies I employed with my kids when they were little and issues were non negotiable. I know you don’t like but this has to be done approach. Listen with sympathy but you don’t have to give up just because she is resisting. She is likely confused and afraid. A little reassurance might help.

Thinking of you and hope all goes smoothly

[Anonymous]

I just moved my mom against her will. It was for the safety of my Dad (who did want to move). And she did need to move, but was stubborn (and scared, mild dementia).

I tricked her into coming to my house. Lied about why I was gone (and DH and DC were there) and moved everything to their new place. It sucked and was stressful. And she is upset about stuff we got rid of (that she told us for years she wanted to get rid of). But it’s been better for everybody involved.

At some point older people don’t realize how bad it is, how much they’ve changed because they still think of themselves as the younger version of themselves. (Heck, I still see myself as 16 and am shocked when a 50yo is staring back at me from the mirror. So I understand. ) At some point, the people around them have to force the issue.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she is 93. Maybe she would rather live her life at home even if it means she might die because she falls and no one is there to help her. Given covid, a nursing home etc would be way more dangerous right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has the money to sustain this, it’s not yours to weigh in on.

Even so, she can't call and arrange for food, house and garden maintenance, dr appts, etc. She can't hear on the phone at all. She can't order supplies from Amazon because she can't use a computer..and can't bring the stuff in the house. She can't arrange for medications. She cannot clean or cook. So, it isn't my problem? Really?

Can she pay people to do those things? If so, then yes, it’s not yours to do.

No, again..... She cannot arrange to do any of those things, nor will she allow anyone outside to do it.
What is it about this post that you do not understand?

OP, I am sorry for the unhelpful and insensitive responses you are getting from people on this forum.

Some practical solutions might be helpful: she cannot live in an environment that is unhealthy, unsafe or unsanitary. You can tell her that you are concerned about her and, as she took care of you, it is now your turn to take care of her.
1. You can arrange for a cleaning person to come, even 1x per month. That should help keep things in some kind of order. If she is having difficulty doing even small things like washing a fish, consider having someone come more often.
2. Arrange for food delivery. Prepackaged meals that can be delivered weekly. You can be there to put them away. At least you’ll know she has nutritious food on hand.
3. How is she getting the wine? If it’s being delivered, speak to the folks at the store to let them know about your mother’s condition. A frail elderly person should not be drinking alcohol, especially when she’s unsupervised. That can be the recipe for a tragedy.
4. Get her a personal alarm system. A bracelet or a necklace type. She may resist and not use it. The deal is that she keeps it on. When push comes to shove and there is an emergency, she might change her tune.
5. Have a conversation with her doctor. ASAP. Does she have a geriatrician? If not, get her an appointment with one. They specialize in the treatment of the elderly and are familiar with resources for the recalcitrant old. Your mom also needs to be screened for cognitive decline. Her decision making may be impaired in which case she will need you to step in, despite her protests.

I put the last thing at the bottom because it may take the longest. First you secure her current environment as best you can while you wait for the bigger outside supports to be put in place.

You have my sympathy. This is hard in so many ways. I found it helpful to use the same strategies I employed with my kids when they were little and issues were non negotiable. I know you don’t like but this has to be done approach. Listen with sympathy but you don’t have to give up just because she is resisting. She is likely confused and afraid. A little reassurance might help.

Thinking of you and hope all goes smoothly

Having been through this to some degree, I agree with some. If there is money have a cleaning person and mail delivery. I might also hire a companion who can check on her and social worker to assess level of need every month at least so you can adjust services. Let me just caution you with the personal alarm system. Our experience is they put down a list of your emergency people. If you don't complete the process fast enough those people get a call to have them remind you. If there are many emergencies they are getting many calls. To be honest if there are many emergencies it is cruel to do to a neighbor unless you have done plenty for that neighbor and they owe you big time. I personally would offer to pay a neighbor to be on the list if you knew the person was on a fixed income or say a SAHM who gave up a salary to be there for kids. Some people say "that's what neighbors do." Those are often people who don't bat an eyelash taking advantage of others. If nobody responds it can get to the point an emergency crew BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR. So now you have to secure the door quickly as you rush to attend to your parent in the hospital. You can't expect neighbors to stand guard.

I totally agree with talking to the doctor. If you do not have a release or medical POA you can simply share your concerns in a message, but they cannot tell you anything.

[Anonymous]

Sorry MEAL deliver, not mail.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP what i should have said is focus on the very first step. You need a geriatric social worker or nurse in there who is trained to deal with difficult elderly to get in there and assess level of need. Often that person knows how to say the right things and move things forward. Believe me I know resistance. You make it about you and your peace of mind. Talk to the person about how best to convince the loved one to let her in the door. Expect to pay a fortune. These people are expensive and good one is so worth it because she coordinates services. (Have never met a he who does this work).

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue with my dad, who will be 93 in a couple of days. He’s so happy in his house - they grew up during the Depression and WW2 and I had to reframe my thinking. They had a lot of upheaval in their young lives and having the security and pride of having survived that era and buy his own house, that is incredibly significant to my Dad. He simply does not want to leave. He’s been there for 50 years. I’m doing my best to help regularly. He does wear a fall monitor and we have really wonderful neighbors who check in on him from time to time. My hope is that he dies in his sleep and not from a fall. I’ve just had to reframe my thinking and hope for the best.