Reply to Adult to Adult: Is saying "I'm proud of you" condescending?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is why we say, “I am very happy for you!” They are the one to feel proud…it was THEIR accomplishment. If you had a hand in that success then I think it is ok to say, “I am so proud of you” as it does imply that the speaker played a part. It makes sense for a mentor or parent to say this, or a friend or other who served in some coaching role.

Otherwise, if you don’t fit into any of the aforesaid categories, the correct response would be “ YOU should be proud of yourself!” Saying “I’m proud of you” when you weren’t a part of the investing is cringe-worthy.[/quote]

You'd never say "I'm proud of you!" to the CEO of a successful company when they achieve something new. It's something you say when you don't really respect the person or you're above them in an obvious way (e.g. parent or boss).[/quote]

+2 ABSOLUTELY

It's condescending because if you are prideful of someone for an accomplishment, it suggests that you had a hand in the achieving the outcome. A teacher says this to a student who has done well on a test after she assisted teaching them difficult material. A parent says this to a child when they have committed an unprompted act of kindness, because it was a result of a good upbringing. For a friend or acquaintance to say this, it seems like they're inserting themselves, taking credit, and giving themself the authority to pass a judgement on the outcome instead of acknowledging how your hard work and actions have brought about an outcome. Maybe it's not intended to be infantilizing, but there are many better ways to express a congratulations that doesn’t insert yourself into their moment.

Also the phrase “I’m proud of you” shifts the focus away from the person you are feeling pride for, and makes it about how you are feeling. There are better phrases like “Congratulations” or “that’s amazing” or “you worked so hard and you deserved this!”

Glad I found a thread of people who understand this -- it's been irking me like crazy and now I know why
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