Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is okay for the men to remarry and start a new family, but not women?

No one is saying it is ok for the men. It is equally bad for both of them to keep their needs first and not thinking about the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

Why not?

NP, but maybe this is a values standard that she has that she does not want to compromise on. And by letting her daughter visit the home, she may feel she is condoning the arrangement of two people co-habitating outside of marriage, which she does not want to do. ??

You don't have to agree with the PP's stance on this. But people have all kinds of rules like this internally. Some won't let their kids go to a home where the person has guns (citing safety issue), some won't let their kids go to a home where the parents have alcohol (maybe they just disapprove of drinking or maybe they don't trust them to lock the liquor cabinet?), some won't let their kids go to a home of people who voted for Hilary...or Trump! LOL. It's not really your business. I don't let my kid spend the night at a friend's house even if the parents are married. (overcautious and I've seen too much in social services to ignore what I've seen. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors in a seemingly perfect family.)

I’m glad you said this, because I was going to ask what difference does it make if they’re married or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is okay for the men to remarry and start a new family, but not women?

No one is saying it is ok for the men. It is equally bad for both of them to keep their needs first and not thinking about the kid.

What makes you think they’re not thinking of their kid? They can put their kid first and still find happiness. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?

[Anonymous]

The "deserve to be happy" argument is alarming. Why on earth would anyone believe that the only way they can be happy is to get married?

And frankly... once you have kids, your primary responsibility is to THEM until they are 18. They don't have any choice in the matter. They didn't screw up your relationship with their other biological parent. They need to have shelter, clothing, food, and an engaged parent until they are ready to leave home. If you can't provide this without getting remarried, stop dating and use that time to go back to school and learn a skill.

Your new boyfriend/girlfriend is not legally responsible for your child. They don't love them, and while perhaps they can learn to love them if they happen to be interested in developing that kind of relationship with your child and your child is open to it, the odds are that this person is only in the picture for YOU. Your kids are baggage to them. They don't want to pay for your kids to go to college. Perhaps they are saving for their ownnkids to go to college, and they can save a lot more per month for them than you can for yours. Don't you think that will become an issue?

People who get remarried because they "deserve to be happy" are shortsighted, selfish, and insecure. If you have a romantic partner, either he is committed to you or not. Marriage will not make or break a solid committed relationship for 2 divorcees.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in living together before marriage. 3 years is a long time to just be dating. So we would be getting married ASAP if the relationship was strong enough for that or we would go our separate ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with a 13 year old. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. We’ve been talking about getting married and buying a house together. We were talking to my parents about it (he wanted to ask my for my dad’s blessing). They seemed happy about it, but later they called me and expressed some concerns. They think it’s fine that I’ve moved on since my divorce, but I shouldn’t get married until my daughter is an adult because they’re afraid I’m going to screw up her life. They feel this way because her dad had remarried and had more kids and they think if I do the same, she’s not going to feel like she’s apart of either family and it’s not fair to her. I told them I don’t plan to have anymore kids so she won’t have to worry about that. They still think she’s going to feel torn and that I should put marriage on hold until she’s an adult.

I would like to hear from anyone that’s remarried. How did your kids handle it? I personally think my parents are overreacting, but I would like to hear other perspectives on this.

I've been on both ends of this equation -- a kid whose parents remarried and had more kids and a divorced mom with a long term bf.

Assuming that your ex and his new partner are kind, loving, and inclusive of your child, having more people to love your kid in their life is tremendously positive and typically outweighs most negatives.

However, there is some truth to what your parents say about not always feeling apart of either family -- but it's not because of remarriage -- it's the custody arrangement and additional kids. My parents always lived three or four states apart. So I spent most of my time with the custodial parent and alternated holidays. So, when reminiscing about holidays with either family, there are incidents they assume I remember but I wasn't there. That kind of stuff really bothered me in early parenthood (30s) for some reason. But never while I was a kid or now in my mid-40s. But that feeling of not having a home-base -- a place where I could go and didn't feel a little bit like a guest -- is one of the main drivers why I am not having any additional children. I want my kids to have a place where they can go that is their place, their comfort zone, their mom, and where they know where the extra blankets are.

I think your kid will be just fine and I think your decision not have more children is ultimately beneficial to her. That's not to say having additional kids would be bad -- I love my siblings and my life is definitely better with them -- but I wish I had had a home base.

[Anonymous]

Here's another perspective - my MIL never remarried or had more kids after the divorce. But instead she forced my husband into the role of her partner and friend, so he didn't get to be an actual child. Her relationship with my husband these days is not great. She was desperately unhappy when he met me and we got serious. She was awful to me until she truly accepted I wasn't going anywhere, but by then the damage was done.

She is now old and alone, my husband is an only child, and she continues to be a needy burden who we essentially have to parent. Please don't do that to your daughter - whether you marry or not, have your own life and don't base it around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "deserve to be happy" argument is alarming. Why on earth would anyone believe that the only way they can be happy is to get married?

And frankly... once you have kids, your primary responsibility is to THEM until they are 18. They don't have any choice in the matter. They didn't screw up your relationship with their other biological parent. They need to have shelter, clothing, food, and an engaged parent until they are ready to leave home. If you can't provide this without getting remarried, stop dating and use that time to go back to school and learn a skill.

Your new boyfriend/girlfriend is not legally responsible for your child. They don't love them, and while perhaps they can learn to love them if they happen to be interested in developing that kind of relationship with your child and your child is open to it, the odds are that this person is only in the picture for YOU. Your kids are baggage to them. They don't want to pay for your kids to go to college. Perhaps they are saving for their ownnkids to go to college, and they can save a lot more per month for them than you can for yours. Don't you think that will become an issue?

People who get remarried because they "deserve to be happy" are shortsighted, selfish, and insecure. If you have a romantic partner, either he is committed to you or not. Marriage will not make or break a solid committed relationship for 2 divorcees.

+100 on this.

People who wants to get remarried with young kids either do it for convenience or due to social pressure. Some of them really don't care what kids are going through and that shows kids are not their priority.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the reactions are far fetched. I’m divorced with a 2 year old, and based on some of the logic here, I should not have a companion or even have another kid (I’m 31) and do nothing until the child is 18. There are many second marriages and step parents. And there is no one size fits all...it’s up to you and not your parents. I know several re-marriages that have turned out well and way healthier than the first (though in these, the first husbands are pretty much out of the picture in the kids lives). I don’t see anything wrong with trying to model a healthy and happy relationship for your child. And I also think you’d get very different responses in the relationship forum.

The way I see things...as long as you make your child a priority, show them love, they are pretty resilient and do well...regardless of what the situatiion is. Because you get remarried does not mean your child will turn into a drug abuser or delinquent.

[Anonymous]

Deserved to be happy is such a therapist language. Continue doing it by stepping up on your kids. I believe as a parent your kids priorities comes first but a lot of parents don't think that way and then wonder why there are issues with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in living together before marriage. 3 years is a long time to just be dating. So we would be getting married ASAP if the relationship was strong enough for that or we would go our separate ways.

What a peculiar belief

[Anonymous]

I believe it is the other way around. You need to live together to get an idea if marriage would work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective - my MIL never remarried or had more kids after the divorce. But instead she forced my husband into the role of her partner and friend, so he didn't get to be an actual child. Her relationship with my husband these days is not great. She was desperately unhappy when he met me and we got serious. She was awful to me until she truly accepted I wasn't going anywhere, but by then the damage was done.

She is now old and alone, my husband is an only child, and she continues to be a needy burden who we essentially have to parent. Please don't do that to your daughter - whether you marry or not, have your own life and don't base it around her.

This happens a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the reactions are far fetched. I’m divorced with a 2 year old, and based on some of the logic here, I should not have a companion or even have another kid (I’m 31) and do nothing until the child is 18. There are many second marriages and step parents. And there is no one size fits all...it’s up to you and not your parents. I know several re-marriages that have turned out well and way healthier than the first (though in these, the first husbands are pretty much out of the picture in the kids lives). I don’t see anything wrong with trying to model a healthy and happy relationship for your child. And I also think you’d get very different responses in the relationship forum.

The way I see things...as long as you make your child a priority, show them love, they are pretty resilient and do well...regardless of what the situatiion is. Because you get remarried does not mean your child will turn into a drug abuser or delinquent.

This happens quite less and even lower if both parents are involved in separate household. Kids ended up thinking they belong nowhere because their parents are just busy with their SO. Imagine, how would you feel about that? Dumping it on kid that they are resilient are such a cop-out. They are but less than the adults and don't need to hold parents' emotional baggage.

[Anonymous]

I agree. What’s the rush? Wait until the kid is off to college.