Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

[Anonymous]

I think the way you framed your question is indicative that you may not be thinking about it correctly. You should be asking about the experiences of people whose parents remarried, not the adults who did it and therefore have a bias towards seeing their decision as the right one. It’s not about the adults, it’s about the kids. If you aren’t going to have kids, why not wait until your daughter is an adult? You’re almost there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Perspective of someone who started a relationship with my DH when his daughter was 13. He had been divorced from his wife for three years at that point. She had already been engaged to someone else and then broken up in that time. Once we started seriously dating, his ex felt threatened and immediately started a serious relationship Of her own and asked her new boyfriend to move in with her within three weeksAnd was engaged within six months. We waited until she was 18 and graduated from high school in order to get married. We wanted her to know that she came first in her dad’s life, and we didn’t want to have her experience the kind Of upheaval that she did on her mother invited Someone else into their home.

I do not regret that we waited until she was 18. But to be honest, in retrospect, I agree with your parents. Thinking of my stepdaughter‘s needs, it was way, way, way too hard for her to have had both parents go in there on romantic directions right as she was becoming an adult. Both parents moved to new homes, both with no partners. Neither home felt like her home. Unexpectedly, I became pregnant in my 40s, and all of a sudden she had to compete for her fathers attention with an infant sibling. You can’t guarantee that that wouldn’t happen to your child. Now, on a purely selfish level, I can say that my child is the greatest joy of my life and I would never change anything that would result in me not having him. But from the perspective of what is right for my stepdaughter, having her parents focus more on her than on starting new families with no partners would have been best. starting her first adult home on her own while her childhood homes were on shaky ground was too difficult for her. She struggled with a sense of belonging, unfortunately she found it with a new peer group that was very dangerous. she got involved in some really dark stuff, and she became very self-destructive. She now is involved in a relationship that’s very dangerous, she has a serious drug addiction, and she is estranged from both of her parents. There were underlying problems and how she was raised Long before I ever entered the picture, but her father remarrying while she was a teenager and her mother remarrying before that was extremely traumatic and damaging for her. I would have a kid extreme caution before proceeding.

I'm sorry to point this out, but basically you're saying that you waited and unfortunately your stepdaughter still has issues.

I would contend that OP might be better off for to have a new home established at 13 and given tremendous support as she grows older, then having the rug pulled out from underneath her at 18 (a very vulnerable age) with both dad remarrying and a new half sibling.

[Anonymous]

I would discuss all of this in the context of family counselling.

I would not ask the child to decide. I would not let your parents decide.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Don’t put your life on hold. You are starting a new life with her and husband #2. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

You need to put your child first. Step children and the dynamics of dome kids living full time vs others who dont really mess up the kids . I lived through this. It only lasted a few years when i was a teeen and ultimately my parent had to make a decision to put my siblings and i first.

Also, my friend had the financial aid issue. She married a guy who made tons but he wasnt willing to pay for her childs education. Her child missed out on need based scholarships because of it. My friend didnt make as much as her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would be fine with re-marrying, if your daughter is okay with it.

I absolutely refuse to have “second kids”. I think it is a disservice to existing children, when they do not have the same parents, or get to have both parents while the older kids have divorced parents.

She’s okay with it.

We don’t plan to have more kids. We’re in our 40’s and he has college aged kids. Neither of us our interested in starting over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Perspective of someone who started a relationship with my DH when his daughter was 13. He had been divorced from his wife for three years at that point. She had already been engaged to someone else and then broken up in that time. Once we started seriously dating, his ex felt threatened and immediately started a serious relationship Of her own and asked her new boyfriend to move in with her within three weeksAnd was engaged within six months. We waited until she was 18 and graduated from high school in order to get married. We wanted her to know that she came first in her dad’s life, and we didn’t want to have her experience the kind Of upheaval that she did on her mother invited Someone else into their home.

I do not regret that we waited until she was 18. But to be honest, in retrospect, I agree with your parents. Thinking of my stepdaughter‘s needs, it was way, way, way too hard for her to have had both parents go in there on romantic directions right as she was becoming an adult. Both parents moved to new homes, both with no partners. Neither home felt like her home. Unexpectedly, I became pregnant in my 40s, and all of a sudden she had to compete for her fathers attention with an infant sibling. You can’t guarantee that that wouldn’t happen to your child. Now, on a purely selfish level, I can say that my child is the greatest joy of my life and I would never change anything that would result in me not having him. But from the perspective of what is right for my stepdaughter, having her parents focus more on her than on starting new families with no partners would have been best. starting her first adult home on her own while her childhood homes were on shaky ground was too difficult for her. She struggled with a sense of belonging, unfortunately she found it with a new peer group that was very dangerous. she got involved in some really dark stuff, and she became very self-destructive. She now is involved in a relationship that’s very dangerous, she has a serious drug addiction, and she is estranged from both of her parents. There were underlying problems and how she was raised Long before I ever entered the picture, but her father remarrying while she was a teenager and her mother remarrying before that was extremely traumatic and damaging for her. I would have a kid extreme caution before proceeding.

I'm sorry to point this out, but basically you're saying that you waited and unfortunately your stepdaughter still has issues.

I would contend that OP might be better off for to have a new home established at 13 and given tremendous support as she grows older, then having the rug pulled out from underneath her at 18 (a very vulnerable age) with both dad remarrying and a new half sibling.

13 is a much more vulnerable age than 18. I had only just started dating her dad when she was 13, but the problem was that her mother had already boomeranged from desperation to an engagement to a breakup to having a guy move in with them after I started getting serious with her dad. We kept separate households so that she *would* have a home without another adult there. If we had gotten married any earlier it would have been much worse for her. As it was she at least had one home with a parent and without having to navigate a parent’s full time relationship with someone else. But the damage from her mother’s abandonment was huge, and we underestimated how much it would hurt her to have another parent remarry as well.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are right

They are selfish.

[Anonymous]

The divorce rate for blended families where both partners bring children into the mix is something like 75%. Given that you've both already divorced, it stands to reason you both have a good appreciation for the challenges of marriage.

Can you tell us why you feel compelled to marry now, before your daughter is out if the house? Is it financial pressure to combine households? Do you have the majority of physical custody so that you don't get much time to see fiance when your daughter is with her dad?

Does your fiance want to be a step father, or is he just willing to do it because he wants to be with you and he knows that's part if the deal? Parenting a teenager is no picnic.

13 years old is also a.tough time to introduce an unrelated man into the house... your daughter is probably going through puberty and all the awkwardness that comes with that. How do you think she would feel about living with him?

[Anonymous]

My dad wasn't happy when sissy got engaged. He fake it. Turned out her husband was a mess as a husband. Wish my dad had spoken up to save that heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The divorce rate for blended families where both partners bring children into the mix is something like 75%. Given that you've both already divorced, it stands to reason you both have a good appreciation for the challenges of marriage.

Can you tell us why you feel compelled to marry now, before your daughter is out if the house? Is it financial pressure to combine households? Do you have the majority of physical custody so that you don't get much time to see fiance when your daughter is with her dad?

Does your fiance want to be a step father, or is he just willing to do it because he wants to be with you and he knows that's part if the deal? Parenting a teenager is no picnic.

13 years old is also a.tough time to introduce an unrelated man into the house... your daughter is probably going through puberty and all the awkwardness that comes with that. How do you think she would feel about living with him?

All good points. Seriously, I would advise against it. Strongly. If he’s still in the picture 10 years from now, that’s another story. (Unless you want to have children with him?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce rate for blended families where both partners bring children into the mix is something like 75%. Given that you've both already divorced, it stands to reason you both have a good appreciation for the challenges of marriage.

Can you tell us why you feel compelled to marry now, before your daughter is out if the house? Is it financial pressure to combine households? Do you have the majority of physical custody so that you don't get much time to see fiance when your daughter is with her dad?

Does your fiance want to be a step father, or is he just willing to do it because he wants to be with you and he knows that's part if the deal? Parenting a teenager is no picnic.

13 years old is also a.tough time to introduce an unrelated man into the house... your daughter is probably going through puberty and all the awkwardness that comes with that. How do you think she would feel about living with him?

All good points. Seriously, I would advise against it. Strongly. If he’s still in the picture 10 years from now, that’s another story. (Unless you want to have children with him?)

Would you stick around for 10 years?

[Anonymous]

Why get married? I would just live together as a committed couple.

[Anonymous]

Why is okay for the men to remarry and start a new family, but not women?