Reply to Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m divorced with a 13 year old. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. We’ve been talking about getting married and buying a house together. We were talking to my parents about it (he wanted to ask my for my dad’s blessing). They seemed happy about it, but later they called me and expressed some concerns. They think it’s fine that I’ve moved on since my divorce, but I shouldn’t get married until my daughter is an adult because they’re afraid I’m going to screw up her life. They feel this way because her dad had remarried and had more kids and they think if I do the same, she’s not going to feel like she’s apart of either family and it’s not fair to her. I told them I don’t plan to have anymore kids so she won’t have to worry about that. They still think she’s going to feel torn and that I should put marriage on hold until she’s an adult.

I would like to hear from anyone that’s remarried. How did your kids handle it? I personally think my parents are overreacting, but I would like to hear other perspectives on this.[/quote]

I've been on both ends of this equation -- a kid whose parents remarried and had more kids and a divorced mom with a long term bf.

Assuming that your ex and his new partner are kind, loving, and inclusive of your child, having more people to love your kid in their life is tremendously positive and typically outweighs most negatives.

However, there is some truth to what your parents say about not always feeling apart of either family -- but it's not because of remarriage -- it's the custody arrangement and additional kids.  My parents always lived three or four states apart.  So I spent most of my time with the custodial parent and alternated holidays.  So, when reminiscing about holidays with either family, there are incidents they assume I remember but I wasn't there.  That kind of stuff really bothered me in early parenthood (30s) for some reason.  But never while I was a kid or now in my mid-40s.  But that feeling of not having a home-base -- a place where I could go and didn't feel a little bit like a guest -- is one of the main drivers why I am not having any additional children.  I want my kids to have a place where they can go that is their place, their comfort zone, their mom, and where they know where the extra blankets are.

I think your kid will be just fine and I think your decision not have more children is ultimately beneficial to her.  That's not to say having additional kids would be bad -- I love my siblings and my life is definitely better with them -- but I wish I had had a home base.[/quote]

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