Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

[Anonymous]

My parents had divorced and both had relationships /marriage when I was 13. I liked my dad's wife but couldn't stand my mother's boyfriend. (I lived with mom.)

At no point did either of my parents ask for my approval or blessing on their partner choices.

It didn't damage me for the rest of my life. On the contrary, I think I learned things about myself and how to be resilient as a teen, even if life throws things at you that you may not like.

I'm now on the other side and have been in a 10+ relationship with a guy who had a teen daughter when we met. We did all the "right" things like waiting to introduce her to me, did it slowly, I never tried to be mom-like, etc. Her mother had coupled well before I came in the picture, and had moved her BF into the home before divorce was even final.

Based on my experience, I think it is absolutely foolish for people to remarry once they have children. Just live together. There is no way you can predict the future, neither you nor your BF.

If your child has problems down the road, do you really want to be in a position where you might have to choose between them and your spouse? Because that might happen. Plus, you are opening yourself up financially for any kinds of liability related to either of your children which may arise in the future. And this can go well into and beyond adulthood.

His kids wind up being busted for some crime, and DH wants to buy the best attorney he can out of your JOINT funds. Your kid winds up a parent at a very young age and needs to move back home with baby - is he willing to support both, possibly long term? Another kid wants to go to a very expensive college which may drain resources so younger kids may not have that opportunity. In any of these situations, what would you do if your spouse said, "Hell no!" Then what?

If you aren't married, at least you have no financial responsibility and can extricate yourself to focus on your respective children.

Do. Not. Marry. Do. Not. Mingle. Finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would be fine with re-marrying, if your daughter is okay with it.

I absolutely refuse to have “second kids”. I think it is a disservice to existing children, when they do not have the same parents, or get to have both parents while the older kids have divorced parents.

She’s okay with it.

We don’t plan to have more kids. We’re in our 40’s and he has college aged kids. Neither of us our interested in starting over.

I echo the poster that said the decision should be made in conjunction with family counseling. Without a lot more detail of what living arrangements are now and what role your partner will play (or wants to play) in parenting now and in the future I'd hold off.

I also think the financial aid aspect could be huge depending on your income level.

[Anonymous]

My dad getting remarried definitely screwed me up. But my mom had died, so I have no idea if it would have been different if she had been in my life as well.

Either way, I'd err on the safe side and give your daughter a few more years. If you aren't planning on having a baby with him, why do you need to get married at all?

[Anonymous]

I prefer to not live together if we’re not married.

[Anonymous]

I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

Since when is marriage a guarantee for longevity? And since when does commitment depend on a legal document? My partner and I have been together twice as long as some married couples we know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

Weird. How would you even know?

I have two close friends who have been together for 20 years and have three teenagers. They are not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with a 13 year old. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. We’ve been talking about getting married and buying a house together. We were talking to my parents about it (he wanted to ask my for my dad’s blessing). They seemed happy about it, but later they called me and expressed some concerns. They think it’s fine that I’ve moved on since my divorce, but I shouldn’t get married until my daughter is an adult because they’re afraid I’m going to screw up her life. They feel this way because her dad had remarried and had more kids and they think if I do the same, she’s not going to feel like she’s apart of either family and it’s not fair to her. I told them I don’t plan to have anymore kids so she won’t have to worry about that. They still think she’s going to feel torn and that I should put marriage on hold until she’s an adult.

I would like to hear from anyone that’s remarried. How did your kids handle it? I personally think my parents are overreacting, but I would like to hear other perspectives on this.

I agree with those who say wait for all the issues cited such as a sense of belonging, financial issues, etc. Honestly, if your daughter had a sibling I might not be as adamant - if there was a sibling at least they would be an undivided unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't let my kid visit your house if you are living with someone who is not your husband. Either make a commitment or don't.

Why not?

NP, but maybe this is a values standard that she has that she does not want to compromise on. And by letting her daughter visit the home, she may feel she is condoning the arrangement of two people co-habitating outside of marriage, which she does not want to do. ??

You don't have to agree with the PP's stance on this. But people have all kinds of rules like this internally. Some won't let their kids go to a home where the person has guns (citing safety issue), some won't let their kids go to a home where the parents have alcohol (maybe they just disapprove of drinking or maybe they don't trust them to lock the liquor cabinet?), some won't let their kids go to a home of people who voted for Hilary...or Trump! LOL. It's not really your business. I don't let my kid spend the night at a friend's house even if the parents are married. (overcautious and I've seen too much in social services to ignore what I've seen. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors in a seemingly perfect family.)

[Anonymous]

If you are not planning on having more kids then why do you have to marry or join your finances?

[Anonymous]

I have seen incredibly messed up young women in your exact same situation where the mom married and did not have additional children.

[Anonymous]

Follow the example of Gweneth Paltrow. Brad Falchuk lives in the neighboring house with his kids!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Perspective of someone who started a relationship with my DH when his daughter was 13. He had been divorced from his wife for three years at that point. She had already been engaged to someone else and then broken up in that time. Once we started seriously dating, his ex felt threatened and immediately started a serious relationship Of her own and asked her new boyfriend to move in with her within three weeksAnd was engaged within six months. We waited until she was 18 and graduated from high school in order to get married. We wanted her to know that she came first in her dad’s life, and we didn’t want to have her experience the kind Of upheaval that she did on her mother invited Someone else into their home.

I do not regret that we waited until she was 18. But to be honest, in retrospect, I agree with your parents. Thinking of my stepdaughter‘s needs, it was way, way, way too hard for her to have had both parents go in there on romantic directions right as she was becoming an adult. Both parents moved to new homes, both with no partners. Neither home felt like her home. Unexpectedly, I became pregnant in my 40s, and all of a sudden she had to compete for her fathers attention with an infant sibling. You can’t guarantee that that wouldn’t happen to your child. Now, on a purely selfish level, I can say that my child is the greatest joy of my life and I would never change anything that would result in me not having him. But from the perspective of what is right for my stepdaughter, having her parents focus more on her than on starting new families with no partners would have been best. starting her first adult home on her own while her childhood homes were on shaky ground was too difficult for her. She struggled with a sense of belonging, unfortunately she found it with a new peer group that was very dangerous. she got involved in some really dark stuff, and she became very self-destructive. She now is involved in a relationship that’s very dangerous, she has a serious drug addiction, and she is estranged from both of her parents. There were underlying problems and how she was raised Long before I ever entered the picture, but her father remarrying while she was a teenager and her mother remarrying before that was extremely traumatic and damaging for her. I would have a kid extreme caution before proceeding.

I have to agree to this. I think you need to show to your daughter that you care about her and she's your first priority. Letting someone move in your house is going to take a lot away from her and this is a very delicate age. I do have to agree with PP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several women who remarried and then had to divorce when their new husband starting acting pervy around the stepdaughter. Something to consider...

This happen more common than people think.