Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced with a 13 year old. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. We’ve been talking about getting married and buying a house together. We were talking to my parents about it (he wanted to ask my for my dad’s blessing). They seemed happy about it, but later they called me and expressed some concerns. They think it’s fine that I’ve moved on since my divorce, but I shouldn’t get married until my daughter is an adult because they’re afraid I’m going to screw up her life. They feel this way because her dad had remarried and had more kids and they think if I do the same, she’s not going to feel like she’s apart of either family and it’s not fair to her. I told them I don’t plan to have anymore kids so she won’t have to worry about that. They still think she’s going to feel torn and that I should put marriage on hold until she’s an adult.

I would like to hear from anyone that’s remarried. How did your kids handle it? I personally think my parents are overreacting, but I would like to hear other perspectives on this.

[Anonymous]

I'm not divorced and about to remarry, so sorry for inserting my opinion here, but I DO have parents who second guess everything I do. I'm their only child and they are protective and controlling.

So at some point, you just need to smile, say everything will be fine, and move the conversation on, or pretext something and hang up (or leave).

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk to your daughter and not us. Every child is different. What matters is what she thinks and feels.

[Anonymous]

Just wondering if they felt the had to give the blessing when both of you were together and they are using your daughter as the reason for really not approving him.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your daughter. Her opinion is more important than your parents'. And FWIW, asking a woman's father for his blessing is based in misogyny, when women (daughters) were literally the property of their fathers until their ownership was transferred to the husband.

I remarried. New DH and I both had kids. They were all weary at first, and that played out differently for each kid. Things smoothed out after a few months/half a year. DH and I were able to set up visitation with our exes to be at the same times and the most hurt feelings came with my kids father always showed up for his visitation and my step kids mom didn't show up for hers more than half the time.

[Anonymous]

Perspective of someone who started a relationship with my DH when his daughter was 13. He had been divorced from his wife for three years at that point. She had already been engaged to someone else and then broken up in that time. Once we started seriously dating, his ex felt threatened and immediately started a serious relationship Of her own and asked her new boyfriend to move in with her within three weeksAnd was engaged within six months. We waited until she was 18 and graduated from high school in order to get married. We wanted her to know that she came first in her dad’s life, and we didn’t want to have her experience the kind Of upheaval that she did on her mother invited Someone else into their home.

I do not regret that we waited until she was 18. But to be honest, in retrospect, I agree with your parents. Thinking of my stepdaughter‘s needs, it was way, way, way too hard for her to have had both parents go in there on romantic directions right as she was becoming an adult. Both parents moved to new homes, both with no partners. Neither home felt like her home. Unexpectedly, I became pregnant in my 40s, and all of a sudden she had to compete for her fathers attention with an infant sibling. You can’t guarantee that that wouldn’t happen to your child. Now, on a purely selfish level, I can say that my child is the greatest joy of my life and I would never change anything that would result in me not having him. But from the perspective of what is right for my stepdaughter, having her parents focus more on her than on starting new families with no partners would have been best. starting her first adult home on her own while her childhood homes were on shaky ground was too difficult for her. She struggled with a sense of belonging, unfortunately she found it with a new peer group that was very dangerous. she got involved in some really dark stuff, and she became very self-destructive. She now is involved in a relationship that’s very dangerous, she has a serious drug addiction, and she is estranged from both of her parents. There were underlying problems and how she was raised Long before I ever entered the picture, but her father remarrying while she was a teenager and her mother remarrying before that was extremely traumatic and damaging for her. I would have a kid extreme caution before proceeding.

[Anonymous]

Well I get their concern about you having kids. I think recognizing it, you can prevent you daughter feeling like an island. I think it’s good that they brought this to your attention so you can work to prevent it. I don’t think you discuss with your child - this is your decision not your daughter’s and you really don’t want it to seem that she’s in control. I do think that if you decide to marry, you inform her and talk about how your new family will look.

Congratulations

[Anonymous]

I let an amazing man walk away about 3 years ago. I am a widow (45) and my parents thought it was their responsibility to weigh in. They had never even met the man and said it was wrong for me to consider being serious with a man on account of my children's needs. (come to think about it, I can not count how many married people offer: "You should focus on your children now"). Looking back I should have not let their words interfere with my thinking...I did not need their approval. I remember him looking at me and not understanding when I said my parents refused to meet him. How selfish and hurtful of them. And how ridiculous of me to pause. Do what you need and want for you and your daughter. Please choose joy.

[Anonymous]

I would raise one issue you haven't mentioned--college. Remarriage can really mess up financial aid, especially at private colleges but also at some public ones. Rules change, but look at the net price calculators at a few colleges that might be of interest to your D to see whose income counts. Some colleges assume that your new H and your ex's new W will contribute to the cost of your D's education. The University of Virginia, for example, does include the income of both custodial and non-custodial parents in determining aid. https://sfs.virginia.edu/financial-aid-current-students/current-undergraduate-students/financial-aid-basics/determining-need#:~:text=Divorced%20or%20Separated%20Parents%20of,based%20on%20their%20financial%20ability.Your BF might not be willing to do that, especially if he has his own children and especially if they are younger.

Whether your ex can be forced to pay depends upon your divorce agreement and the state where you reside. Find out what your situation is before you contemplate remarriage.

I know I sound like a killjoy but if your BF has a high income, being married might mean drastically reducing the aid your D is eligible for.

[Anonymous]

OOPS I read UVa's site incorrectly. In any event, check out a few colleges, especially your instate publics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with a 13 year old. I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. We’ve been talking about getting married and buying a house together. We were talking to my parents about it (he wanted to ask my for my dad’s blessing). They seemed happy about it, but later they called me and expressed some concerns. They think it’s fine that I’ve moved on since my divorce, but I shouldn’t get married until my daughter is an adult because they’re afraid I’m going to screw up her life. They feel this way because her dad had remarried and had more kids and they think if I do the same, she’s not going to feel like she’s apart of either family and it’s not fair to her. I told them I don’t plan to have anymore kids so she won’t have to worry about that. They still think she’s going to feel torn and that I should put marriage on hold until she’s an adult.

I would like to hear from anyone that’s remarried. How did your kids handle it? I personally think my parents are overreacting, but I would like to hear other perspectives on this.

They are spot on. My mother died and my father remarried and had another child and I was treated like a stepchild. I never had a relationship with step sister. You already made one huge mistake, Don't make another by effing up your daughter's life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let an amazing man walk away about 3 years ago. I am a widow (45) and my parents thought it was their responsibility to weigh in. They had never even met the man and said it was wrong for me to consider being serious with a man on account of my children's needs. (come to think about it, I can not count how many married people offer: "You should focus on your children now"). Looking back I should have not let their words interfere with my thinking...I did not need their approval. I remember him looking at me and not understanding when I said my parents refused to meet him. How selfish and hurtful of them. And how ridiculous of me to pause. Do what you need and want for you and your daughter. Please choose joy.

Is her daughter not entitled to joy? Maybe she doesn't like him and

[Anonymous]

Gaining a step parent is a risk factor for a minor child but that’s on a population basis. Obviously there are many situations where it works out well but you should be thinking of it in a risk/benefit mindset-are the benefits to your daughter greater than the risks? It’s a big mistake not to fully explore how often and in what ways step parent relationships go wrong before commuting to this.

[Anonymous]

I know several women who remarried and then had to divorce when their new husband starting acting pervy around the stepdaughter. Something to consider...

[Anonymous]

I guess I would be fine with re-marrying, if your daughter is okay with it.

I absolutely refuse to have “second kids”. I think it is a disservice to existing children, when they do not have the same parents, or get to have both parents while the older kids have divorced parents.