Family thinks getting remarried will screw up my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Perspective of someone who started a relationship with my DH when his daughter was 13. He had been divorced from his wife for three years at that point. She had already been engaged to someone else and then broken up in that time. Once we started seriously dating, his ex felt threatened and immediately started a serious relationship Of her own and asked her new boyfriend to move in with her within three weeksAnd was engaged within six months. We waited until she was 18 and graduated from high school in order to get married. We wanted her to know that she came first in her dad’s life, and we didn’t want to have her experience the kind Of upheaval that she did on her mother invited Someone else into their home.

I do not regret that we waited until she was 18. But to be honest, in retrospect, I agree with your parents. Thinking of my stepdaughter‘s needs, it was way, way, way too hard for her to have had both parents go in there on romantic directions right as she was becoming an adult. Both parents moved to new homes, both with no partners. Neither home felt like her home. Unexpectedly, I became pregnant in my 40s, and all of a sudden she had to compete for her fathers attention with an infant sibling. You can’t guarantee that that wouldn’t happen to your child. Now, on a purely selfish level, I can say that my child is the greatest joy of my life and I would never change anything that would result in me not having him. But from the perspective of what is right for my stepdaughter, having her parents focus more on her than on starting new families with no partners would have been best. starting her first adult home on her own while her childhood homes were on shaky ground was too difficult for her. She struggled with a sense of belonging, unfortunately she found it with a new peer group that was very dangerous. she got involved in some really dark stuff, and she became very self-destructive. She now is involved in a relationship that’s very dangerous, she has a serious drug addiction, and she is estranged from both of her parents. There were underlying problems and how she was raised Long before I ever entered the picture, but her father remarrying while she was a teenager and her mother remarrying before that was extremely traumatic and damaging for her. I would have a kid extreme caution before proceeding.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a great stepmom/mom/human.

I hope my ex ends up with someone like you.

+1 this is the best insight and advice so far.
Signed, child of divorce

[Anonymous]

One of my parents remarried when I was 12. The other had a live significant other from when I was 13 until when I was 17, and ultimately remarried someone else when I was in my 20s.

I don’t consider myself scarred by their divorce or remarriages, and I have good relationships with my parents and stepparents.

My stepsiblings were similar ages when our parents remarried. They are not as well-adjusted. They bullied me throughout middle and high school, and to this day behave like brats: throwing tantrums, giving us the silent treatment, sending passive aggressive gifts, despite being in their 40s. They only talk to their dad when they need money.

But I don’t think their behavior stems from the remarriage itself, and instead comes from crappy parenting: mom constantly unloaded her feelings about dad on them, and dad was overly permissive because he didn’t want to be the “bad guy”.

[Anonymous]

Definitely remarry. Look up chump lady for example. Remarried twice and now husband is wonderful and child from her original husband is OK!