Why are people attracted to mean/toxic people, especially if they have a lot of options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only women ever do this. And I don’t know why. Interested to hear the replies. It’s the alpha F$&ks / beta bucks stereotype?

Being mean/toxic is NOT an attractive quality in a woman to men. Physical hotness dictates, and can overcome the negative of being mean/toxic. But it’s still a negative.

I know an equal number of men in relationships with toxic women. People like to talk about women having "daddy issues" but there are men out there with "mommy issues" as well.

You missed the point. For women, a man’s toxic personality is part of what she finds attractive in him. For men, the opposite: a woman has to be SUPER hot to overcome the negative of her toxicity.

In your scenario what happens if the "super hot" woman ages into something less than super hot? Does the attraction fade for the man or is he experiencing stockholm syndrome by then?

Your question is about the long term effects of toxicity. Totally different question. Answer: toxic relationships always (eventually) fail.

OP asks why do PEOPLE find toxicity attractive in the first place. I corrected that to point out only WOMEN are attracted to toxicity.

[Anonymous]

For me, he was attractive and charismatic. The toxic part came years later after marriage and kids and now essentially stuck because I can’t bare the thought of splitting custody with him and leaving my defenseless kids with him 50% of the time. I am miserable and am counting down until they go away to college. 13 years to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only women ever do this. And I don’t know why. Interested to hear the replies. It’s the alpha F$&ks / beta bucks stereotype?

Being mean/toxic is NOT an attractive quality in a woman to men. Physical hotness dictates, and can overcome the negative of being mean/toxic. But it’s still a negative.

I know an equal number of men in relationships with toxic women. People like to talk about women having "daddy issues" but there are men out there with "mommy issues" as well.

You missed the point. For women, a man’s toxic personality is part of what she finds attractive in him. For men, the opposite: a woman has to be SUPER hot to overcome the negative of her toxicity.

In your scenario what happens if the "super hot" woman ages into something less than super hot? Does the attraction fade for the man or is he experiencing stockholm syndrome by then?

Your question is about the long term effects of toxicity. Totally different question. Answer: toxic relationships always (eventually) fail.

OP asks why do PEOPLE find toxicity attractive in the first place. I corrected that to point out only WOMEN are attracted to toxicity.

Are you a man or a woman? I do not think this is a true assertion at all. Because there are certain guys that continually get with damaged women. Of all the hot women he could choose, for example, my brother's last two girlfriends have both been clingy, insecure and have deep family issues. Sure they are hot, but he knows lots of hot girls, these are the girls he ended up in relationships with.

I think men like to 'take care' of women and they get sucked in by toxic women because those women make the man feel like they need him. At first that feels good, but eventually becomes terrible.

And in a lot of ways the reverse is why women get with toxic guys. Toxic guys come in two flavors, the clingers and the overbearers. Both feel good in the beginning (he loves me! he wants to take care of me!) and both are toxic in the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

I totally agree. Women will POUR resources into something. Unfortunately, when it's into a narcissist or other toxic person, it doesn't yield positive results. But women are willing to hang in there for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

I believe it.

It is different from the SAHM that has zero options due to finances so stays in a marriage she would rather leave.

A woman that has always achieved success in life can't handle 'failure'--even if she has the financial means to leave, doing so would mean she did not try hard enough in her own eyes. She cannot handle 'failure'. I see many very attractive and very successful women that would have zero trouble finding a new man that would treat them with respect and love, but this is why they stay. Also, many value 'marriage'. They have very strong beliefs in remaining faithful and honoring 'in sickness and in health. Until death do us part'. Even when their toxic husbands don't.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

People are attracted to what feels familiar to them. And if you grew up with mean/toxic parents, you are drawn to those types of people on an unconscious level.

[Anonymous]

I am mean and evil and my husband loves me. He says he likes a little danger in his life.

[Anonymous]

'cause mean girls are incredible in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

I totally agree. Women will POUR resources into something. Unfortunately, when it's into a narcissist or other toxic person, it doesn't yield positive results. But women are willing to hang in there for a long time.

I know someone like this. Successful, but very insecure, cares what everyone thinks. One of those women who has never spent a moment single. My sense is women like this see marriage as a triathlon that must be win. Always reading relationship books, dragging DH to counseling and seminars.

[Anonymous]

I was told people from 'normal' families do not have the ability to recognize those with risk factors from troubled, dysfunctional pasts. They don't know that: hurt people will hurt people.

I completely see this. They can't fathom the innate dysfunction or mental issues in people and assume the best. The 'broken' people can put on one helluva an act and these trusting souls are completely baffled when the meanness and toxicity starts to rear its head---sometimes its several years into marriage before these people they married started acting out what they saw as children growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was told people from 'normal' families do not have the ability to recognize those with risk factors from troubled, dysfunctional pasts. They don't know that: hurt people will hurt people.

I completely see this. They can't fathom the innate dysfunction or mental issues in people and assume the best. The 'broken' people can put on one helluva an act and these trusting souls are completely baffled when the meanness and toxicity starts to rear its head---sometimes its several years into marriage before these people they married started acting out what they saw as children growing up.

+1

It’s not a “good sex” thing, it’s a “good at being sneaky” thing. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

There's always something appealing about such people, perhaps charisma, or brilliance. I'm know a few. I can feel the attraction, actually.

Then there are the "stealth mean" people like my husband, who at first glance appear perfectly gentle and intellectual, but they actually have a really stubborn streak that can blow out proportion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was told people from 'normal' families do not have the ability to recognize those with risk factors from troubled, dysfunctional pasts. They don't know that: hurt people will hurt people.

I completely see this. They can't fathom the innate dysfunction or mental issues in people and assume the best. The 'broken' people can put on one helluva an act and these trusting souls are completely baffled when the meanness and toxicity starts to rear its head---sometimes its several years into marriage before these people they married started acting out what they saw as children growing up.

Oof. +1

This happened to me. What a horrendous "education". Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told people from 'normal' families do not have the ability to recognize those with risk factors from troubled, dysfunctional pasts. They don't know that: hurt people will hurt people.

I completely see this. They can't fathom the innate dysfunction or mental issues in people and assume the best. The 'broken' people can put on one helluva an act and these trusting souls are completely baffled when the meanness and toxicity starts to rear its head---sometimes its several years into marriage before these people they married started acting out what they saw as children growing up.

Oof. +1

This happened to me. What a horrendous "education". Awful.

Me too.

I knew his dad was a cheating alcoholic that abandoned the family and his mom was cold.

He was ambitious to leave that behind, great University, extremely good looking, charming, brilliant, funny and at 26 from a very loving family with parents that were so involved with my siblings and I and a large extended family with zero divorces I believed him when he said he would never be like his dad. Year 18 of marriage (minus alcohol) just like his dad. A narcissist. I am smart but was naive other than I thought his parents divorce was a red flag but in the beginning he was all about staying married/faithful and never hurting his family. I thought seeing what that did was motivation not to be like that.

I am telling my boys not to get involved with any girl from a dysfunctional family. The scars run deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told people from 'normal' families do not have the ability to recognize those with risk factors from troubled, dysfunctional pasts. They don't know that: hurt people will hurt people.

I completely see this. They can't fathom the innate dysfunction or mental issues in people and assume the best. The 'broken' people can put on one helluva an act and these trusting souls are completely baffled when the meanness and toxicity starts to rear its head---sometimes its several years into marriage before these people they married started acting out what they saw as children growing up.

Oof. +1

This happened to me. What a horrendous "education". Awful.

+100