Why are people attracted to mean/toxic people, especially if they have a lot of options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They make you feel special initially. They tend to have "in" groups of people they approve of, and criticize or mock others, and it can feel great to be an exception, a chosen one. People seek their approval. Its a sort of trap.

Wow, thank you! I'm the PP who described the toxic marriage and you brought up a valid point that I'd never considered.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes at the beginning they seem like sexy bad boys and then you realize they are mean and toxic.

[Anonymous]

I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

[Anonymous]

People will trade allot for great sex....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're hot and have a lot of charisma. Some predators need to attract the prey

But let’s say they aren’t hot. Just kind of plain and toxic.

I don't get it either. My friends son married a girl who is so awful. She over compensates for her perceived lack of attractiveness by being a horrible human. The male is so lovely, a great guy. They just had their first child, so happy for them, but do not understand at all the attraction. She is so not nice. Super intelligent, but that does not make up for her daily rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

Sooo true!!! They often have very few friends and no one likes them but people fear being their target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

For my ex that left me for her AP, I guess I wasn't toxic enough. :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

Sooo true!!! They often have very few friends and no one likes them but people fear being their target.

+100 this is my neighborhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read something realted to this sometime ago which I found very interesting. It was about why highly successful women remain n relationships with toxic and abusive men and don't leave. These women often fall for the charisma and charm these men present at the beginning. As time goes on, their true colours show and yet these women still remain. Why's that?

An explanation was that successful women don't give up easily. Since they've reached success, they know it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and efort to get to where they are. They put up with challenges and overcome obstacles tp reach success. So, apply this mentality when it comes to relationships.

If her husband is toxic, she tries to change him. She puts in a lot of effort to make the relationship work. She doesn't give up on marriage easily. She deals with the frustrations and tries her to do all she can do in her power to fix things. She dosen't leave because she dosen't want all the effort she's done to be gone to waste. She has hope that after so much effort, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

That explains why successful people are in relationships with toxic people. I've seen it in real life. Highly successful engineers, doctors, marrying narcissists and remaining in these marriages for a really long time, when others feel they should have left ages ago as they've got plenty of other opportunities.

I believe it.

It is different from the SAHM that has zero options due to finances so stays in a marriage she would rather leave.

A woman that has always achieved success in life can't handle 'failure'--even if she has the financial means to leave, doing so would mean she did not try hard enough in her own eyes. She cannot handle 'failure'. I see many very attractive and very successful women that would have zero trouble finding a new man that would treat them with respect and love, but this is why they stay. Also, many value 'marriage'. They have very strong beliefs in remaining faithful and honoring 'in sickness and in health. Until death do us part'. Even when their toxic husbands don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

Wow, again! I thought this just happened in my neighborhood. I feel sorry for mean mom. I can't imagine being that angry all of the time. Too draining! With all of the major issues going on in the world I can't worry about what mean mom thinks of my choice of clothing or what camp my kids go to.

[Anonymous]

This definitely is not just a woman thing. It goes both ways. The last man I dated was exceptionally charismatic and very handsome, and just fun. His recent ex, however, was almost 25 years younger than him, a former beauty queen, and apparently had a tendency towards violent anger (throwing things, ripping things off walls, yelling a lot). He ended it...but also cannot cut the cord with her and clearly cannot get over her. Considered trying to work it out with her while he was seeing me. Taylor Swift didn't say boys only want love it its torture for no reason.

I've also done this. I think that, after a lot of therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that for me, having a good looking, charismatic man "choose me" gave me some validation I wasn't able to give myself. I've struggled with a lot of insecurity and self-worth issues when it comes to dating, and so I think part of the pull to these guys was just some weird need to feel "chosen." Effed up, and I think I've worked past it, but that is the best reason I can figure out. That and for better or worse, I can get dates with good looking men and I love people with bigger personalities. This usually doesn't end up being a great combo in a man as far as him being really decent is concerned...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This definitely is not just a woman thing. It goes both ways. The last man I dated was exceptionally charismatic and very handsome, and just fun. His recent ex, however, was almost 25 years younger than him, a former beauty queen, and apparently had a tendency towards violent anger (throwing things, ripping things off walls, yelling a lot). He ended it...but also cannot cut the cord with her and clearly cannot get over her. Considered trying to work it out with her while he was seeing me. Taylor Swift didn't say boys only want love it its torture for no reason.

I've also done this. I think that, after a lot of therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that for me, having a good looking, charismatic man "choose me" gave me some validation I wasn't able to give myself. I've struggled with a lot of insecurity and self-worth issues when it comes to dating, and so I think part of the pull to these guys was just some weird need to feel "chosen." Effed up, and I think I've worked past it, but that is the best reason I can figure out. That and for better or worse, I can get dates with good looking men and I love people with bigger personalities. This usually doesn't end up being a great combo in a man as far as him being really decent is concerned...

I wanted to say that I hope you find a great person to spend your time with, I like how frank and self aware you are and I especially thank you for the bolded section of your post. I think mean and toxic people often do have bigger personalities and it certainly can be a lure.

[Anonymous]

Toxic people are very manipulative and they spend A LOT of time trying to keep people in their orbit. And boy oh boy do the lie a lot about everything and to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This definitely is not just a woman thing. It goes both ways. The last man I dated was exceptionally charismatic and very handsome, and just fun. His recent ex, however, was almost 25 years younger than him, a former beauty queen, and apparently had a tendency towards violent anger (throwing things, ripping things off walls, yelling a lot). He ended it...but also cannot cut the cord with her and clearly cannot get over her. Considered trying to work it out with her while he was seeing me. Taylor Swift didn't say boys only want love it its torture for no reason.

I've also done this. I think that, after a lot of therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that for me, having a good looking, charismatic man "choose me" gave me some validation I wasn't able to give myself. I've struggled with a lot of insecurity and self-worth issues when it comes to dating, and so I think part of the pull to these guys was just some weird need to feel "chosen." Effed up, and I think I've worked past it, but that is the best reason I can figure out. That and for better or worse, I can get dates with good looking men and I love people with bigger personalities. This usually doesn't end up being a great combo in a man as far as him being really decent is concerned...

I wanted to say that I hope you find a great person to spend your time with, I like how frank and self aware you are and I especially thank you for the bolded section of your post. I think mean and toxic people often do have bigger personalities and it certainly can be a lure.

This is PP. Thank you! That's so kind of you. Dating has been hard for me, not because I can't get dates (I get local celebrity types sliding in to my DMs asking me out), but clearly the guys I've been attracted to fall more in the toxic camp. Done a lot of work on myself in this department, but its just hard in your late 30s! But no worries, I'm pretty happy being single and don't want kids, so it's not a huge deal either way.

And yes, those big, charismatic personalities never seem to be good news, even though they are usually so fun to spend time with. As another poster said, they seem to be experts at keeping people in their orbit and .in my experience, men like this definitely tend to be manipulative