Why are people attracted to mean/toxic people, especially if they have a lot of options?

[Anonymous]

they're fun?

[Anonymous]

They hide it for a while ?

[Anonymous]

We as a people have been conditioned to accept trauma based relationships. Not our fault. It was forced upon us.
When we finally begin to love ourselves then and only then will we be able to have wonderful relationships.

Learn to love yourself and you will find love, true love in return. Your children will then do the same. That cycle will continue.

[Anonymous]

There is something to be said about the Hot/Crazy ratio. The hotter you are (man or woman) the crazier you can be. The more average looking you are the more normal you have to be. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

DH and I have a friend like this. He had a tough childhood and in his 30s married a younger woman who he saw as an amazing catch. Smart, looked like a model, got everything she wanted. More than two decades later, she’s now very controlling. She likes to put on affectionate showstopper in front of everyone, holding his hand and calling him pet names but we’ve caught her shooting mean zingers at him about how she could have married rich. On Facebook they make it look like they’re the healthiest couple on earth with photos from a day in the life of their amazing marriage. I think he felt lucky that she gave him the time of day. But in reality, she’s lucky someone as nice as him gave her the time of day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

DH and I have a friend like this. He had a tough childhood and in his 30s married a younger woman who he saw as an amazing catch. Smart, looked like a model, got everything she wanted. More than two decades later, she’s now very controlling. She likes to put on affectionate showstopper in front of everyone, holding his hand and calling him pet names but we’ve caught her shooting mean zingers at him about how she could have married rich. On Facebook they make it look like they’re the healthiest couple on earth with photos from a day in the life of their amazing marriage. I think he felt lucky that she gave him the time of day. But in reality, she’s lucky someone as nice as him gave her the time of day.

I meant affectionate shows, PDA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

Sooo true!!! They often have very few friends and no one likes them but people fear being their target.

+1

Exactly. People talk sh&t about the mean mom all the time, and the mean mom tries to say (put nice person's name here) has (mean mom's) qualities (ie:hates everyone, whatever). So predictable. But when mean mom is in the room, she is IT - because no one wants to be on the crazy byotch's list (usually for no reason). As long as mean (insecure) mom feels like she is "the best" - she is fine. The minute she doesn't, or the minute she thinks someone is making her look bad - look out, she is on the warpath. No one is supposed to say anything bad about anything remotely having to do with mean mom, except that is exactly what they do - their minions go to "battle" for them to save themselves the toxic wrath of mean (insecure) mom.

It's a shame, because if mean mom's life wasn't so empty (in spite of appearances, because it is all about appearances) she would be a lot happier, but she has these relationships that she thinks are real, but are definitely not. As long as she feels worshipped, she thinks that brings her happiness, except it doesn't. Nothing is ever good enough, no control is ever enough control, to mean (insecure) mom. She's so messed up, and not hiding it well. It would suck to only have "friends" for that reason - appearances. I don't care to be anywhere near it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something to be said about the Hot/Crazy ratio. The hotter you are (man or woman) the crazier you can be. The more average looking you are the more normal you have to be. Seriously.

Yeah, but who wants that long term? How much is enough? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Because women want to prove to their friends and family that they can take an untamed man and whip him into husband material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only women ever do this. And I don’t know why. Interested to hear the replies. It’s the alpha F$&ks / beta bucks stereotype?

Being mean/toxic is NOT an attractive quality in a woman to men. Physical hotness dictates, and can overcome the negative of being mean/toxic. But it’s still a negative.

I know an equal number of men in relationships with toxic women. People like to talk about women having "daddy issues" but there are men out there with "mommy issues" as well.

You missed the point. For women, a man’s toxic personality is part of what she finds attractive in him. For men, the opposite: a woman has to be SUPER hot to overcome the negative of her toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only women ever do this. And I don’t know why. Interested to hear the replies. It’s the alpha F$&ks / beta bucks stereotype?

Being mean/toxic is NOT an attractive quality in a woman to men. Physical hotness dictates, and can overcome the negative of being mean/toxic. But it’s still a negative.

I know an equal number of men in relationships with toxic women. People like to talk about women having "daddy issues" but there are men out there with "mommy issues" as well.

You missed the point. For women, a man’s toxic personality is part of what she finds attractive in him. For men, the opposite: a woman has to be SUPER hot to overcome the negative of her toxicity.

In your scenario what happens if the "super hot" woman ages into something less than super hot? Does the attraction fade for the man or is he experiencing stockholm syndrome by then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend is married to a woman who appears (from my vantage point) to be toxic. She's very controlling, is often bubbling over with anger, spends a lot of time verbally tearing others down, etc. He has said he's not happy and he knows she is not a happy person. I never understood why he stayed. In conversation it came out that he is the adult child of a very abusive alcoholic. A (very sad) light bulb went off. His understanding of love and relationships was colored by what he saw growing up. In short, he doesn't know anything different.

+1

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

Sooo true!!! They often have very few friends and no one likes them but people fear being their target.

+1

Exactly. People talk sh&t about the mean mom all the time, and the mean mom tries to say (put nice person's name here) has (mean mom's) qualities (ie:hates everyone, whatever). So predictable. But when mean mom is in the room, she is IT - because no one wants to be on the crazy byotch's list (usually for no reason). As long as mean (insecure) mom feels like she is "the best" - she is fine. The minute she doesn't, or the minute she thinks someone is making her look bad - look out, she is on the warpath. No one is supposed to say anything bad about anything remotely having to do with mean mom, except that is exactly what they do - their minions go to "battle" for them to save themselves the toxic wrath of mean (insecure) mom.

It's a shame, because if mean mom's life wasn't so empty (in spite of appearances, because it is all about appearances) she would be a lot happier, but she has these relationships that she thinks are real, but are definitely not. As long as she feels worshipped, she thinks that brings her happiness, except it doesn't. Nothing is ever good enough, no control is ever enough control, to mean (insecure) mom. She's so messed up, and not hiding it well. It would suck to only have "friends" for that reason - appearances. I don't care to be anywhere near it.

This is so spot on it is scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people hide those characteristics fairly well for a year or more. Once people are in deep the facade starts to crack and the true personality slowly emerges.

Everyone is on their best behavior early in relationships.

Yes, this. They are still having sex (which will disappear), they are still on a chemical high of a new relationship, and then they get married because they've found the ONE! But then after they get married the toxic person slowly lets down her guard. She feels secure that she is truly loved and cherished and she starts in on the trying to change her partner, letting herself be petty and controlling, and being her true self with her husband. She does her best to still appear perfect in public. She publicly acknowledges that her husband is the best, amazing, and that she couldn't do it without him (this is on FB or whatever social platform she is most into), but she's already cut off his outlet to the same platform (because she doesn't want him interacting with other women) and is limiting sex, and they are fighting a lot. She accuses him of cheating (which he will, eventually, because he's been denied sex and beaten down by his wife). She's emotionally abusing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

I've never experienced this mean mom phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Same thing with the mean mom in the neighborhood - other moms, however few, talk (well, gossip on the phone) with her because they know how she will treat them if she is not honored/worshipped/call if what you want. IRL, they can't stand the mean mom, but they keep it up to stay on her good side, because they know she is toxic, inside and out. Example: they laugh at her jokes louder, etc. It is kind of sad, but they do it to get by, because mean mom has a short fuse and a long list of people she hates - but tells other people "don't hang out with her, she hates everyone!" Hilarious, yet sad.

I've never experienced this mean mom phenomenon.

Me either! Where do you all live??