Armchair shrinks: Why does my MIL never, ever call us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents rarely call me, and my grandparents rarely called them. It was definitely an unspoken rule that the younger generation reaches out/initiates contact with the older. Don't take it personally.

This is generally how my mom is as well -- she is 79. When my DD was younger and she'd call, I'd often be in the middle of something and since my tone tells everything, I would sound annoyed. At some point, she just decided that it was a lot easier if I called her when I had time to talk. I make a point of it now (or pre-Covid) when I'd be waiting for DD at dance class, sports practice, etc. I'd call her and say I could talk for X amount of time, and then we'd have a pleasant call. We are a little more loosey-goosey right now since she knows I'm working from home and not as caught up in in-person meetings, but she still generally expects me to call at least 1x a week. I hear about my younger brother who never calls as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s worried about being annoying or intrusive.

Exactly.

She is trying very hard to respect your space and not be an intruding mother in law.

I have all boys and that is the kind of mother in law I plan to be so I can hopefully avoid being blocked and cut out by my future daughter in laws, like so many of my friends do to their mother in laws.

I will always have an open door, always help when needed, be very pleasant and agreeab2, keep advice, suggestions, calls and visits to a minimum unless asked.

A daughter in law can be very possessive of her territory. Best to step back unless invited in so as jot to be cut off entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s worried about being annoying or intrusive.

THis is my mother. She hates to bother us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social anxiety. I find it almost impossible to cold call people, even family.

+1. I never call anyone, ever. Nor does my mom ever call me. We communicate via email and text and fortunately for us we both like it that way. DH calls every member of his family weekly and he does think we're weird, but he's accepted that's how we are. And the feeling is mutual. Acceptance is a lovely thing, OP. There's nothing at all weird or wrong with you and your wonderful interconnected family (which I think sounds really nice...for others), but nor is there anything wrong with your MIL. She has told you she doesn't want to intrude. It's not because she doesn't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I don’t get this either. I would think retirees have plenty of free time to call and visit. [/b]

My grandmas are in their 90s. I see how thrilled my kids are when my parents call them. I’ve always wondered why my grandparents never called me as a kid or even now. When I was a kid long distance was expensive but still.

Dp They aren't busy but, they know you are! That is why they don't call you because if they did than someone ( maybe you?) on here would complain about that.

When you call them than they know you have the time to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many many people would love a MIL like this

+1

OP, your MIL is there when you need her, and glad to help (not smug, haughty, snarky, cold) - that is a perfect, loving, warm MIL. Try to reach out to her once a week or so.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people think that phone calls, as a sign of respect and deference, should be initiated by the younger generation/children. As in it is the son or daughter's DUTY to call their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents rarely call me, and my grandparents rarely called them. It was definitely an unspoken rule that the younger generation reaches out/initiates contact with the older. Don't take it personally.

I think people have to remember that for many of those who are 60+, it was the expectation that adult children called their parents. Not only was it a sign of respect but it was also an economical consideration.

Remember, we are only one generation away from when a typical land-line phone call plan only allowed for so many outgoing calls and so many minutes, including local calls! We used to have a 3 minute egg timer by the phone as did many people. Long distance (even just 100 miles away) was very expensive. If you were living on retirement/Social Security you expected your working adult children to call you as it was too expensive to call all of your children - many families had 3+ kids.

Not saying that it applies anymore with unlimited minutes, no long distance, etc. but reaching out to the older generation was a sign of respect and practicality.

[Anonymous]

My mother always called her parents, they never called, even though they were local. My mom never called me, I would always need to call her. It's a more traditional behavior, sometimes due to finances in the past and sometimes due to cultural norms.

[Anonymous]

This is my mother. She used to say it was because it cost her money to call. That is no longer true, but she still doesn’t ever call. For my mother, it seems to be an extreme focus on herself. She never asks about my life, or that of my kids. I call her once or twice a week, she tells me about every moment of her life, every injustice or inconvenience she has suffered at the hands of the mail carrier, newspaper carrier, neighbor, friend, she complains about the weather, and then we hang up until next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents rarely call me, and my grandparents rarely called them. It was definitely an unspoken rule that the younger generation reaches out/initiates contact with the older. Don't take it personally.

I think people have to remember that for many of those who are 60+, it was the expectation that adult children called their parents. Not only was it a sign of respect but it was also an economical consideration.

Remember, we are only one generation away from when a typical land-line phone call plan only allowed for so many outgoing calls and so many minutes, including local calls! We used to have a 3 minute egg timer by the phone as did many people. Long distance (even just 100 miles away) was very expensive. If you were living on retirement/Social Security you expected your working adult children to call you as it was too expensive to call all of your children - many families had 3+ kids.

Not saying that it applies anymore with unlimited minutes, no long distance, etc. but reaching out to the older generation was a sign of respect and practicality.

Tangent: Reading this reminded my of my Mom. We would typically have very short conversations with at kitchen timer near at hand, often scheduled for a nights & weekends time -- when the rates went down. When I moved in with my Mom between grad school and getting my own place, I told my Mom to just give me the phone bill to pay without opening it up. After that, I would hear her giggling on the phone with far-flung relatives and friends: "We can talk as LONG as we want." she'd say. "DD is paying for it!" lol

[Anonymous]

Some parents can detach. They've done theirbjob and raised adults. Their children become other adults who are feee to have their own relationships. Whats the big deal. My mother in law never calls. My family calls too much.

[Anonymous]

OP, be grateful that your MIL is normal and emotionally stable. I wish she was my mom! My mom calls me just to be an emotional vampire and treats me like I’m her therapist rescuer. It’s gotten to the point that I just don’t take her calls anymore and I’ve made peace with the fact that she could die without me knowing and you know what? I don’t care. I wish people like OP would have more perspective.

[Anonymous]

sibling calls while walking outdoors. I make sure I'm quiet while unloading the dishwasher

This! your Mothers think you are busy. You are giving them that impression when you just "fit-it" a phone call. Make phone visits shorter if necessary, even much shorter. But give her your full attention. Make it clear that for those few minutes, there is nothing else you need to do or would rather do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now, I come from a very loud and nosy close-knit family, so this may seem even stranger for me, but...

If we didn't reach out to my MIL, we would never, ever see or hear from her. EVER.
When we see her or call, she is lovely. If we ask her to visit, she's delighted to come. She is great and loving with the kids.
But ... we initiate literally EVERY. SINGLE. CONTACT. It's so weird!
She never asks about the kids, inquires about their schoolwork, asks what they're up to, calls to say hello, asks about DH's job (or mine, but whatever), etc.
She is great if you call her, great in a crisis, lovely if you call to check in with her.
BUT WE NEVER, EVER HEAR FROM HER.

I asked DH today, hey, have you called your mom lately? How is she? DH realized that if I hadn't asked it would have been two months (!) since he spoke to her.

I guess I'm wondering what the mindset is for a grandparent/parent like this. As I said, I cannot relate - my family is probably (too!) involved. But what goes through the head of someone who literally just...never reaches out or picks up the phone? DH thinks she had a very nosy mother and is therefore devoted to "not intruding." She often says she does not want to intrude. Well OK, but we have both told her, MANY times, that we would appreciate and love if she reached out but still nothing? Like, does she think of calling but not? Out of sight out of mind (that seems awful?)? Can someone explain this way of being to me?

She might be an introvert.