Armchair shrinks: Why does my MIL never, ever call us?

[Anonymous]

We are the ones who make the calls to my parents and IL’s, at least weekly. We are much busier than they are so it’s just easier that way.

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced and my dad is like this but with the added bonus that he gets hurt and offended that we aren’t closer. My brother’s girlfriend of only a few months got pregnant and they had a shotgun wedding so the pregnancy would be covered under bro’s insurance. My SIL has barely been in the family a year and hardly knows any of us and my dad never calls but he moved to a home with an extra bedroom “for her and the baby” to come live with him while my brother is deployed. My dad is now mightily offended that she didn’t jump at the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are divorced and my dad is like this but with the added bonus that he gets hurt and offended that we aren’t closer. My brother’s girlfriend of only a few months got pregnant and they had a shotgun wedding so the pregnancy would be covered under bro’s insurance. My SIL has barely been in the family a year and hardly knows any of us and my dad never calls but he moved to a home with an extra bedroom “for her and the baby” to come live with him while my brother is deployed. My dad is now mightily offended that she didn’t jump at the chance.

That’s kinda sweet

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. Can chat for a long time, love to have the kids over, but I can count on 2 hands the number of times she’s called over the last 15 years. Funny because my grandmother (her mom) used to call us weekly. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and my mom claims she doesn’t like to call cell phones because she doesn’t know if the person is busy. The few times she has called over the years I get into a panic worried it’s bad news. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

She is afraid of imposing.

Just accept this and be nice. In the scheme of in-law problems it ranks far below meddling.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. I think its great! No pressure and they are so grateful when we call. They love us, they just aren't chit chatty people. I know my SIL (DH's brother's wife) is totally baffled and feels like they just don't care about them but I don't get being upset about this. The more low pressure but essentially loving relationships in my life the better.

[Anonymous]

I just want to add (I'm the PP with a MIL that is no pressure) that some people are just wired differently when it comes to relationship.

As a human I really don't like talking on the phone that much and all my best friends are people who I can not see or talk to for years and then when we see each other it is like no time has passed. My calling or lack of calling is not a reflection of how much I care and honestly I can't manage relationships with people who need a lot of individual attention that well because it just isn't my forte.

So I think all the people saying that this means she doesn't care about you or that she really hates the calls are crazy, she could just be like me, not that good at keeping up and not someone who needs constant contact to stay emotionally connected (and this isn't a ding at the other kinds of people, different strokes for different folks and all that)

[Anonymous]

My FIL is the same way. It’s weird but at least he’s not intrusive.

[Anonymous]

When you all talk to your elders you probably talk about how busy you are
Duh - they think you're busy. Instead, call them and give them your full attention. Don't be unloading the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this.

In her family it was the children's responsibility to call the parents. And yes, we are culturally American. Not sure why this is, but mom's whole family is like this.

My parents are like this also. I also feel silently judged if I do not call enough, but they would never, ever, ever, call me. We tried discussing it, and it hurts my feelings, but it can't be changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

sibling calls while walking outdoors. I make sure I'm quiet while unloading the dishwasher

This! your Mothers think you are busy. You are giving them that impression when you just "fit-it" a phone call. Make phone visits shorter if necessary, even much shorter. But give her your full attention. Make it clear that for those few minutes, there is nothing else you need to do or would rather do.

You mean lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is afraid of imposing.

Just accept this and be nice. In the scheme of in-law problems it ranks far below meddling.

+1

My late mom was like this. Afraid of imposing and (more to the point), believed that she was not lovable or of value to other people.

[Anonymous]

She told you - she's trying not to intrude. You probably complained one time about someone in your family being too involved and she took it to heart. Since she's lovely when you do connect, leave it alone. Or tell her you'd love for her to call next Saturday, for example.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had relatives like this, and wondered myself why they would never initiate contact, but now I am (sorta) that MIL. I really enjoy talking to DIL, but I know how busy she is, and I don’t want to be a bother/soak up too much of her free time. I try to consciously send her a text or small gift every now and then, so she’ll know I am thinking of them, but I generally wait for her to call.

I am also like the pp that was told as a child to “not wear out their welcome,” so I am always conscious of not imposing on others. It could be partly cultural.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm like this (I'm 40). It doesn't occur to me, especially now that we communicate so frequently through family social media groups, etc. I'll call people on their birthdays.

I call my parents now because I feel I should, but I have to remind myself.