Armchair shrinks: Why does my MIL never, ever call us?

[Anonymous]

Now, I come from a very loud and nosy close-knit family, so this may seem even stranger for me, but...

If we didn't reach out to my MIL, we would never, ever see or hear from her. EVER.
When we see her or call, she is lovely. If we ask her to visit, she's delighted to come. She is great and loving with the kids.
But ... we initiate literally EVERY. SINGLE. CONTACT. It's so weird!
She never asks about the kids, inquires about their schoolwork, asks what they're up to, calls to say hello, asks about DH's job (or mine, but whatever), etc.
She is great if you call her, great in a crisis, lovely if you call to check in with her.
BUT WE NEVER, EVER HEAR FROM HER.

I asked DH today, hey, have you called your mom lately? How is she? DH realized that if I hadn't asked it would have been two months (!) since he spoke to her.

I guess I'm wondering what the mindset is for a grandparent/parent like this. As I said, I cannot relate - my family is probably (too!) involved. But what goes through the head of someone who literally just...never reaches out or picks up the phone? DH thinks she had a very nosy mother and is therefore devoted to "not intruding." She often says she does not want to intrude. Well OK, but we have both told her, MANY times, that we would appreciate and love if she reached out but still nothing? Like, does she think of calling but not? Out of sight out of mind (that seems awful?)? Can someone explain this way of being to me?

[Anonymous]

DHs parents are the exact same. If he doesn't call them, they don't call us. The live about 45 minutes away and we see them maybe twice a year. Its always when we invite them over, which is really only for holidays, which we have to host all of. In the past 4 years we have been invited to their house two times. DH and I have discussed how we don't ever want to be like them.

[Anonymous]

Why cant you call weekly?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s worried about being annoying or intrusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, your energy, speculation is a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Some parents (including mine in the past until we had some serious discussions) think they it's the children's obligation to call them and check on them and share their lives and not the other way around. Mom and I went around and around about this and finally realized that her expectation was that I call to see how they are and to tell them of what was happening in my life. Not the other way around. It was the same for her parents. Now she thanks me every time I call. Like explicitly, thank you for making the time to call. And you know it makes me want to call her more. She also calls herself but it's always more awkward in the beginning for her.

[Anonymous]

My parents never call me, ever. My son and I call them weekly. We see them once a year for a weekend. It is what it is. I think my parents love me, but don’t like me very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never call me, ever. My son and I call them weekly. We see them once a year for a weekend. It is what it is. I think my parents love me, but don’t like me very much.

That is sad!! Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s worried about being annoying or intrusive.

I think this is the obvious answer since she said she doesn’t want to intrude. Every other post on here is about awful in-laws doing seemingly benign things, so I can’t blame her.

[Anonymous]

Social anxiety. I find it almost impossible to cold call people, even family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never call me, ever. My son and I call them weekly. We see them once a year for a weekend. It is what it is. I think my parents love me, but don’t like me very much.

My family is the same way. No one ever calls us. No idea why, but on the rare occasion I get a call from Mom, I am worried that something terrible happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now, I come from a very loud and nosy close-knit family, so this may seem even stranger for me, but...

If we didn't reach out to my MIL, we would never, ever see or hear from her. EVER.
When we see her or call, she is lovely. If we ask her to visit, she's delighted to come. She is great and loving with the kids.
But ... we initiate literally EVERY. SINGLE. CONTACT. It's so weird!
She never asks about the kids, inquires about their schoolwork, asks what they're up to, calls to say hello, asks about DH's job (or mine, but whatever), etc.
She is great if you call her, great in a crisis, lovely if you call to check in with her.
BUT WE NEVER, EVER HEAR FROM HER.

I asked DH today, hey, have you called your mom lately? How is she? DH realized that if I hadn't asked it would have been two months (!) since he spoke to her.

I guess I'm wondering what the mindset is for a grandparent/parent like this. As I said, I cannot relate - my family is probably (too!) involved. But what goes through the head of someone who literally just...never reaches out or picks up the phone? DH thinks she had a very nosy mother and is therefore devoted to "not intruding." She often says she does not want to intrude. Well OK, but we have both told her, MANY times, that we would appreciate and love if she reached out but still nothing? Like, does she think of calling but not? Out of sight out of mind (that seems awful?)? Can someone explain this way of being to me?

In my case, my mother is this same way. We're not able to change how she feels. We've accepted that we have to initiate the conversations and invitations, and once we did that we were much happier.

[Anonymous]

Many many people would love a MIL like this

[Anonymous]

My dad is this way - it’s how he is wired. He loves me, he loves my kids, and ADORES my DH. He just doesn’t need a lot of social interaction. I don’t ket it drive me crazy - it is what it is. It’s not a reflection of me.

[Anonymous]

It’s the children’s obligation to call the parents. Or at least that’s how it goes in my DH’s family.