Armchair shrinks: Why does my MIL never, ever call us?
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Anonymous
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It means she's not annoying and not entitled. She doesn't want to interrupt and assume you've got nothing more important to do.
It's a good thing. |
Anonymous
That is to say, she may not really want to call. Some people are largely done with their kids once they grow up, sounds shocking I know. |
Anonymous
This! But she is a polite person so when they call she acts pleased and maybe even is pleased but not enough to initiate |
Anonymous
Yes, that is quite unusual. Many people form strong relationships through 18 years of nurturing a human being to adulthood. |
Anonymous
Pp: I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s because I’m independent (which they raised me to be), more liberal in thought, and moved away from home and never moved back. At one point, my brother also moved away and they would visit him, but not stop to see me on the way there or back and they, literally, drove past my city (which is a city that would normally interest them - historic, nice downtown area). They would help me, I think, if I ever needed it, monetary gifts are the same as my brother’s, and they’ve generously contributed to my child’s college fund, so it’s not like they’ve cut me out of their lives. |
Anonymous
| My parents rarely call me, and my grandparents rarely called them. It was definitely an unspoken rule that the younger generation reaches out/initiates contact with the older. Don't take it personally. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm older and I was the one who asked, "are you mulit-tasking when you talk to her?" loading the dishwasher, fumbling around with anything, distracted by others in your house? If you are distracted, it's annoying. Give her your full attention. |
Anonymous
I don't know about obligation, but it is how it worked in my family too. I would get very nervous when I got the infrequent call from them because it was almost always bad news. Our children are college age and when they were away- one would call us nearly every day and the other - I would call maybe 1x week and text perhaps 2x. Both behaviors are more related to their individual personalities |
Anonymous
| My parents almost never call me. It's about not wanting to bother me, catch me at a time when I'm busy. She used to call me when the kids were little and I was SAHM but when I went back to work FT she very intentionally said that since she knew I was going to be a lot busier she would let me initiate calls. I think it's weird -- she should call me! But, I know she means well. |
Anonymous
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Could be lots of things.
It sounds like your husband is the same way, since he hadn't called his mom and hadn't realized it without your prompting. My parents are deceased, but other than my mom when she was alive, I'm not a phone person. I don't like talking on the phone unless there is something specific to relay, though I'm happy to keep in general contact via text or email. I never call my friends unless I have something specific to say, although I love them. In my family, also, the expectation is that the younger generation calls and visits the older generation. It's just how they were brought up, not sure why. |
Anonymous
NP and my widowed mom has become queenly. She expects her adult children to call HER and then she proceeds to scorekeep and become passive aggressive and mention she "hasn't heard from one of us in # exact number days." She wants full attention, too - it annoys her that one sibling calls while walking outdoors. I make sure I'm quiet while unloading the dishwasher. If we are on the phone for longer than a half hour, I have to do something. |
Anonymous
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At 58 with a recent college grad living at home, this doesn't apply to me yet. Once she has her own family, I can't imagine not initiating calling or getting together.
At the same time, I want to be cognizant that DD could perceive it as overbearing or smothering if I'm too involved (and we might have widely differing views on what "too" involved might be). Although it doesn't seem to apply to your MIL, I think for some parents it's making sure they're giving their grown kids space even if they want to be in touch more often. I might be extrapolating from my own parents here. I'm sure my mom would have been happy to talk on the phone every day, but we generally had a routine of once a week or so when I was in my 20s and 30s, which worked for me. Now that she's gone, I'd be happy to talk to her every day! |
Anonymous
| Some folks come from a generation of "being invited." It took a lot for me to adjust to the expected formality of my MIL. Still very awkward and fake feeling to me, but it matters to her, so. |
Anonymous
| I mean, I know it's a millenial stereotype, but LOTS of people of all ages are not phone people. |
Anonymous
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Not there yet as I am WOHM of 3 teens but my job has made me detest talking on the phone at home. I spend all day on the phone and the last thing I want to do is answer or make another phone call.
MIL just can't stand talking on the phone? |