Armchair shrinks: Why does my MIL never, ever call us?

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this and she is obsessed with not being a burden or bothering us. Which is kind of her whole personality - desperately trying not to take up space or bother anyone.

I guess to figure it out, I would say what is her major personality trait? It’s probably related.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same. She had a very “nosy” mother and has made it her mission to mind her own business, plus is busy herself.

Just keep calling her!

[Anonymous]

My parents are busy and we are busy so we only end talking every month or two. And ONLY because we are coordinating an event, bday gift, family drama, etc. 95% of the time it’s via text. We just don’t call each other to chat out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this too. She doesn't want to disturb. I remind DH to call her because she's a dear.

My father never talks to me on the phone and never calls, even though he adores me. I talk to him through my mother. He's just very introverted.

[Anonymous]

If you've never had a moment of shyness, if you've never worried that you might be intruding -- it's really hard to think of what I could say that would lead you to an AHA moment of understanding. I think you should believe what she says: that she really really really does not want to intrude. She sounds like a lovely woman -- so do her and yourself a favor and just decide that in this particular relationship, you'll do the reaching out.

When I was a kid, my Mom -- WAY too firmly, told me "don't wear out your welcome", when I went to anyone's house. That's embedded so deeply in me that even now, I can't receive a sincerely meant invitation from someone without hearing that phrase booming in the back of my head. All of which is to say your MIL seems to be doing her best not to intrude. Make the effort to initiate things with her so that she can reassure herself that she's not intruding. And maybe make a point of saying things to her that you might assume she would already know or take for granted: "We love it when you come to stay!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s worried about being annoying or intrusive.

I think this, so make an effort to call her and tell her stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, if (or when) she would call, are there distractions? Are you multi-tasking? I hate having a phone conversations when the other person is busying themselves doing something else. She wants your full attention maybe. Maybe she only get this when you decide to call?

[Anonymous]

If I don’t call/text someone, it means I don’t feel the need to communicate with them. But, if they call/text me, of course I will be nice to them and maybe even enjoy our conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I don’t call/text someone, it means I don’t feel the need to communicate with them. But, if they call/text me, of course I will be nice to them and maybe even enjoy our conversation.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

I rarely call my adult children - they have their own lives to live. I am more introverted, don’t need to spill everything that happens to me or hash out every decision with them. If here is something that happens, or if they need help, I am there. People are wired differently - I’d hate having somebody calling me every day and talking about minuscule details of daily life.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get this either. I would think retirees have plenty of free time to call and visit.

My grandmas are in their 90s. I see how thrilled my kids are when my parents call them. I’ve always wondered why my grandparents never called me as a kid or even now. When I was a kid long distance was expensive but still.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this.

In her family it was the children's responsibility to call the parents. And yes, we are culturally American. Not sure why this is, but mom's whole family is like this.

[Anonymous]

And, if we didn't call = we would be "in trouble."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now, I come from a very loud and nosy close-knit family, so this may seem even stranger for me, but...

If we didn't reach out to my MIL, we would never, ever see or hear from her. EVER.
When we see her or call, she is lovely. If we ask her to visit, she's delighted to come. She is great and loving with the kids.
But ... we initiate literally EVERY. SINGLE. CONTACT. It's so weird!
She never asks about the kids, inquires about their schoolwork, asks what they're up to, calls to say hello, asks about DH's job (or mine, but whatever), etc.
She is great if you call her, great in a crisis, lovely if you call to check in with her.
BUT WE NEVER, EVER HEAR FROM HER.

I asked DH today, hey, have you called your mom lately? How is she? DH realized that if I hadn't asked it would have been two months (!) since he spoke to her.

I guess I'm wondering what the mindset is for a grandparent/parent like this. As I said, I cannot relate - my family is probably (too!) involved. But what goes through the head of someone who literally just...never reaches out or picks up the phone? DH thinks she had a very nosy mother and is therefore devoted to "not intruding." She often says she does not want to intrude. Well OK, but we have both told her, MANY times, that we would appreciate and love if she reached out but still nothing? Like, does she think of calling but not? Out of sight out of mind (that seems awful?)? Can someone explain this way of being to me?

Let me know when you find out why.

My MIL is the same way. She never calls, never stops by, doesn’t ask how things are going.
If it wasn’t for me to remind DH to do something with her we wouldn’t see her for months. I got tired of always initiating and stopped reminding DH. After that MIL would cry to him that she wants to be part of DC’s life. When she sits with DD she doesn’t actually talk to her, they spend time in complete silence doing their own thing.

So yeah, please diagnose DCUM

[Anonymous]

Because she doesn't want to