Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?

[Anonymous]

I too wanted to improve me relationship skills and ended up in too many relationships for too long that really should've been ended. The relationship skill I needed to learn (and eventually did) was leave when they show you who they are. I quit thinking that every relationship issue was something I needed to work on.

He is showing you that either he doesn't value you or your time or that he hates having difficult conversations. Because really how hard would've been to text and say "going camping alone this weekend talk to you Tues". But he didn't.

This man and relationship has nothing to teach you by staying in it. The best thing you can learn from this is to respect yourself and your time. Break up with him.

"This relationship isn't working for me."

[Anonymous]

He has ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Yes, if you break up with him you will be single again. That is unappetizing. You have six months of sunk costs invested in this relationship. Don’t throw good money and time after bad. Cut your losses and look for someone who is a better match.

Part of relationship skills is recognizing when someone Is not a good fit. Another part is communicating your needs. It is not a “relationship skill” to get other people to behave politely. A grown, healthy man does not tentatively make plans and then leave you hanging for 72 hours on a holiday weekend. It is a “relationship skill” to recognize that such a person is not yet capable of a respectful, equal healthy relationship And needs more time for self-work. You are not part of his self-work.

Breakup with him the next time he calls. All you need to say is while you’ve enjoyed your time together, you recognize the two of you are not a good long term match and that you’re moving on and wish him the best. No need to explain further.

+1 You can’t work on a relationship in a vacuum— it has to be a two-way street. In this context, the relationship skill that you can develop is learning to ask for what you need, recognize red flags for what they are and exit stage left when the writing is on the wall. That’s the growth - not tolerating disrespect or squelching your own needs to keep the relationship going.

What he did was disrespectful and thoughtless and reflected that you are not a priority. If it were your OWN issues that were coming up — your own intimacy fears, ambivalence, difficulty communicating, etc. then yes, you would need to work on that stuff and “grow”, but you can’t work on the fact that your BF isn’t making you a priority or reciprocating a desire to spend time with you. But you can grow by recognizing your own needs as normal, reasonable and healthy, setting boundaries, communicating in a healthy way — and leaving a dead-end relationship. Also, by asking yourself why you are willing to accept disrespect and rationalize it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Yes, if you break up with him you will be single again. That is unappetizing. You have six months of sunk costs invested in this relationship. Don’t throw good money and time after bad. Cut your losses and look for someone who is a better match.

Part of relationship skills is recognizing when someone Is not a good fit. Another part is communicating your needs. It is not a “relationship skill” to get other people to behave politely. A grown, healthy man does not tentatively make plans and then leave you hanging for 72 hours on a holiday weekend. It is a “relationship skill” to recognize that such a person is not yet capable of a respectful, equal healthy relationship And needs more time for self-work. You are not part of his self-work.

Breakup with him the next time he calls. All you need to say is while you’ve enjoyed your time together, you recognize the two of you are not a good long term match and that you’re moving on and wish him the best. No need to explain further.

PP, are you a therapist? Because you are very wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

You can’t work on relationship skills with a wall.

[Anonymous]

Op, your job is to find the person who's behavior is the best match. Best match for you. It's not important to assign blame. It's not important to analyze their motives. With all that you are wasting time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a boundary of HIS you need to understand:

You are not a priority.

Even after six months he's made it clear that if he chooses to do something else, or something without you, he's going to do it. You are second choice.

This is not the behavior of a person who is committed to you. The only pattern you can change is yours. If I were you, I'd choose to look elsewhere for a real relationship.

This guy is treating you as a back-up plan and booty call when he wants one. Actually wouldn't be surprised if he's gone off with another woman. Camping "alone" my a$$/.

+1

I dunno about he very last point (another woman) but it honestly doesn't matter - this is a prime "he's just not that into you" moment. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I agree and disagree with the PPs. I agree OP should move on because this man's behavior is disrespectful and immature, not good partner material.

My guess is, though, that there are men like OP's boyfriend who really are "into" them. She could be the love of his life and he will have no more interest in anyone else ever--and still, he's so damaged he will treat her like this.

I'm saying this, OP, to reassure you that this is probably not a "lack" of feelings on his part for you. He may feel as much passion and excitement for you as he ever has. But it's just incredibly selfish and damaged for him to act as he has.

[Anonymous]

OP, By your lack of response in the last few pages I assume that you either don't like what advice you are being given. You may think "these strangers don't know us" which is true, but what is also true is that many of us have been exactly where you are. With a partner who, for whatever reason (inability, not wanting to, life) hasn't been able to fulfill what we needed in a relationship. Rarely does someone who is failing to meet the basic needs of their partner change without a lot of help, understanding and wanting to do so. They have to ACTIVELY want to do better and TRY to do better. You have given us zero indication that your BF wants to do better or even thinks he should. His ongoing behavior of avoidance and non communication is very troubling and will present it self in many forms should you stay together. If you are serious about him, don't you want someone you can rely on? Don't you deserve someone who communicates his thoughts/feelings/plans with you even if they don't include you? I don't know if you want kids or not, but let me tell you they can be a game changer. If you have a partner who is not 100% open and honest with you and that you can count on during that time? Trust me, you don't want to be in THAT position.

Don't look at the last 6 months as wasted. I am sure you have grown as a person and now realize that communication is an important part of what you need in a relationship. You can actively seek out those who can talk to you. Aren't afraid to disagree with you. ARen't afraid to tell you their thoughts/feelings and that you can count on when they say they will do something. I am not saying that this guy is a horrible person or a bad guy. He is likely quite charming and fun and likely has a lot of great qualities or i am sure you would have ditched him by now. But the fact is he does fall short of what you need and deserve and you don't need to compromise something as serious as the way he treats you just stay together.
You are worth more than that and you deserve more than that. Your future children deserve knowing if Dad will be there or not. Don't put more time and entergy into something that just isn't right for you. It is hard to see that now and i am sure he is promising a bunch of changes. But the truth is it is just talk and he won't because he doesn't see the need. It is easier for him to just beg forgiveness after each of these instance and there will be many. Eventually he will say you are nagging him and to stop bringing it up. You will seriously think this is your fault and you will be here posting withing 2 years asking if you are expecting too much out of your DH.

Spoiler alert. You are not.

[Anonymous]

OP, not sure why you think this is a communication problem. It's not.

The problem is that you have different views what this relationship is. He just wants a companion, when he needs it (not on a holiday weekend!) you want a mature, coupled, serious relationship.
He acts like a single guy and will do anything to remain like that. He knows the risk of telling you he's not into hanging out on a long weekend, so he's trying to avoid that, while still doing what ever the heck he wants to do!

I doubt that he can be gently trained to do better. He is so not afraid of losing you and knows he has an upper hand in the relationship.

OP, you need a guy who can't wait to be with you on a weekend, who has plans and who can't wait to see you. No matter communication styles, a guy in love will make sure you feel important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, By your lack of response in the last few pages I assume that you either don't like what advice you are being given. You may think "these strangers don't know us" which is true, but what is also true is that many of us have been exactly where you are. With a partner who, for whatever reason (inability, not wanting to, life) hasn't been able to fulfill what we needed in a relationship. Rarely does someone who is failing to meet the basic needs of their partner change without a lot of help, understanding and wanting to do so. They have to ACTIVELY want to do better and TRY to do better. You have given us zero indication that your BF wants to do better or even thinks he should. His ongoing behavior of avoidance and non communication is very troubling and will present it self in many forms should you stay together. If you are serious about him, don't you want someone you can rely on? Don't you deserve someone who communicates his thoughts/feelings/plans with you even if they don't include you? I don't know if you want kids or not, but let me tell you they can be a game changer. If you have a partner who is not 100% open and honest with you and that you can count on during that time? Trust me, you don't want to be in THAT position.

Don't look at the last 6 months as wasted. I am sure you have grown as a person and now realize that communication is an important part of what you need in a relationship. You can actively seek out those who can talk to you. Aren't afraid to disagree with you. ARen't afraid to tell you their thoughts/feelings and that you can count on when they say they will do something. I am not saying that this guy is a horrible person or a bad guy. He is likely quite charming and fun and likely has a lot of great qualities or i am sure you would have ditched him by now. But the fact is he does fall short of what you need and deserve and you don't need to compromise something as serious as the way he treats you just stay together.
You are worth more than that and you deserve more than that. Your future children deserve knowing if Dad will be there or not. Don't put more time and entergy into something that just isn't right for you. It is hard to see that now and i am sure he is promising a bunch of changes. But the truth is it is just talk and he won't because he doesn't see the need. It is easier for him to just beg forgiveness after each of these instance and there will be many. Eventually he will say you are nagging him and to stop bringing it up. You will seriously think this is your fault and you will be here posting withing 2 years asking if you are expecting too much out of your DH.

Spoiler alert. You are not.

OP, also beware that if you do raise these issues with your BF to try to get better "communication" in the future, he may well act surprised or defensive. He might point out he meant no harm and he'll do better in the future. Be careful trusting his words here. He isn't actually trying to dismiss or hurt you. So he will seem sincere. He's just doing what feels natural to him--making unilateral decisions that benefit him and meet his own needs. If you give him more chances, he might be on best behavior for a short time or these situations just don't come up. But when he's stressed or complacent, he's going to go back to his go-to here. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

TLDR every answer in this thread:

OP, you deserve better. This guy may be great but not great for you. You deserve the most basic of respect which he has proven he is not able to give you.
Find someone better.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you there?

I don’t think she liked what we (collectively) has to say.

[Anonymous]

You are not important to him.