Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't a "communication" problem. Communication is an easy problem to solve, it's about logistics and planning. He has attachment problems and communication deficits are one manifestation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

You can't "make this work" alone. You pouring effort into this and accepting the unacceptable isn't going to do you any favors. You don't sound pleased with how he's treating you, and I can understand why. I wouldn't be happy with it either.

I disagree that you aren't "back where" you started 6 months ago. You tried something, it didn't work. You can learn something from this, like what amount of communication you need. Don't throw good money after bad by staying in this because you're scared of being alone or going back to the dating pool.

[Anonymous]

You're not his priority, and it sounds like he fears confrontation.

I would move on from this guy. I'd rather be on my own than be with a guy like that.

[Anonymous]

He’s not ready to give you the kind of relationship YOU want. He clearly needs to work on himself and you should find someone who meets your needs. Stop being so desperate and trying to “make it work” with the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

OP, keep reminding yourself regarding: The Point of Dating .... to find a good match. A good match for you. You are entitled to have preference, and act on that preference. A preference for certain behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP--to answer your question. Yes, this is fixable. You leave and find a new relationship with someone who meets your needs and behaves in an adult way. If you have to correct bad patterns six months in that's a red flag. Those don't get corrected. This is who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Yes, if you break up with him you will be single again. That is unappetizing. You have six months of sunk costs invested in this relationship. Don’t throw good money and time after bad. Cut your losses and look for someone who is a better match.

Part of relationship skills is recognizing when someone Is not a good fit. Another part is communicating your needs. It is not a “relationship skill” to get other people to behave politely. A grown, healthy man does not tentatively make plans and then leave you hanging for 72 hours on a holiday weekend. It is a “relationship skill” to recognize that such a person is not yet capable of a respectful, equal healthy relationship And needs more time for self-work. You are not part of his self-work.

Breakup with him the next time he calls. All you need to say is while you’ve enjoyed your time together, you recognize the two of you are not a good long term match and that you’re moving on and wish him the best. No need to explain further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Yes, if you break up with him you will be single again. That is unappetizing. You have six months of sunk costs invested in this relationship. Don’t throw good money and time after bad. Cut your losses and look for someone who is a better match.

Part of relationship skills is recognizing when someone Is not a good fit. Another part is communicating your needs. It is not a “relationship skill” to get other people to behave politely. A grown, healthy man does not tentatively make plans and then leave you hanging for 72 hours on a holiday weekend. It is a “relationship skill” to recognize that such a person is not yet capable of a respectful, equal healthy relationship And needs more time for self-work. You are not part of his self-work.

Breakup with him the next time he calls. All you need to say is while you’ve enjoyed your time together, you recognize the two of you are not a good long term match and that you’re moving on and wish him the best. No need to explain further.

This. 100% this.

[Anonymous]

Girl. He’s just not that into you. It’s ok, nothing to fix, it’s time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Op I have no doubts he went camping alone and needs some alone time every now and again. Him wanting to do this isn't a problem.

The problem is that he strung you along with semi made plans until HE decided what he felt like doing and then didn't even worry or bother about your feelings or time. He didn't want the conversation about not getting together so he didn't bother having it. He didn't care if you didn't make other plans or if it wasted your time. He was totally focused on himself and that doesn't show he cares for you, doesn't show he respects you and he has done it multiple times because he knows you'll keep coming back for more.

It's a sign of disrespect. He could have easily sent you a text to let you know but you weren't even worth that.

My question to you is, why do you think you are worth so little. This guy is playing games. He didn't worry about your feelings, didn't care, yet you still want to work on a relationship that you are the only one working at. Why?

[Anonymous]

I will be blunt. This person does not respect or even like you enough. I assume he likes you some, but he doesn’t like you enough to have a real relationship or to inconvenience himself. He also has very bad manners. You are allowing someone to disrespect you in order to avoid being alone. But you are already alone in this relationship. This is extremely easy to see from the outside.

[Anonymous]

OP, we here on DCUM love nothing more than to argue, and yet on this issue, we are ALL agreeing. Three whole pages of us all agreeing should tell you something.

You can decide you're not going backwards by six months and spend more months pouring yourself into this relationship before you admit that we were right and now you've wasted a year or 18 months or two years or whatever.

Or you can admit defeat, break up with him, and go work on getting men who will prioritize you to be attracted to you. Then you can invite us to that wedding and we'll all happily sit at one table and watch you squirm trying to explain who we are to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Holy projection Batman!

OP, you need to read that book “He’s just not that into you” This guy is communicating loud and clear what his priorities are and you are not it. Relationships are a two way street. YOU want to improve communication and YOU want to improve the relationship. He doesn’t. You can’t make him care so your only choice is to accept it or walk.

Personally, I would rather leave than be treated like someone’s 3rd choice back up plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a boundary of HIS you need to understand:

You are not a priority.

Even after six months he's made it clear that if he chooses to do something else, or something without you, he's going to do it. You are second choice.

This is not the behavior of a person who is committed to you. The only pattern you can change is yours. If I were you, I'd choose to look elsewhere for a real relationship.

This guy is treating you as a back-up plan and booty call when he wants one. Actually wouldn't be surprised if he's gone off with another woman. Camping "alone" my a$$/.

+1000. Get rid of him or date someone else and him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP.

Your boyfriend sounds not only like a horrible communicator but also a very selfish person as well.

His behavior sounds very self-serving which is a dealbreaker for me.

While I understand having independence & time apart - to leave you hanging, in limbo is not respectful at all.
It is very unfair for him to leave you in this position...over + over again.