Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend and I had tentative plans to go kayaking today. We'd discussed it a few times, but it was going to be last minute because he needed to borrow kayaks. I was fine with last minute, but I assumed (as we're dating exclusively for awhile) that we'd still see each other at some point if kayaking didn't work out. Friday morning he was still working on it, so I assumed (since he's an adult) that he would be in touch to let me know whether or not it was happening.

72 hours later, I've heard almost nothing - just a vague response to my text. I'm pretty sure that he's gone camping by himself (he'd mentioned wanted to go sometime soon). I think that he didn't want to tell me that he'd decided to do that (didn't THINK to tell me??), and just went incommunicado, figuring that he'd deal with the fall-out later. He's done this a few times before (not following through with finalizing plans, not communicating, then apologizing after the fact). It also seems to be something that he did during his marriage.

So that's his pattern. The problem is that I take this personally - the doing something instead of seeing me (at least when we haven't seen each other recently - I'm cool with us doing our own things other times) and the not communicating. It makes me feel like I'm not very important to him. I'm disappointed that I don't get to see him and that he didn't communicate (I'm not a drama queen). When we've discussed this before, he tells me that I am very important in his life. But I'm an "actions speak better than words" person, so its hard for me to rely on words alone. The passive-aggressiveness makes me a bit crazy because I prefer direct communications.

So . . . we've talked about this (calmly and not emotionally). I realize that we have different styles in communicating and showing that we care. Maybe we have different expectations about making plans and how that should work. I realize that I play a role in having feelings that other people may not have in the same situation. But knowing this is not making me feel any better. And I'm not sure how to make this a better relationship (for me, I guess I should say).

[Anonymous]

How long have you been together? This would be completely unacceptable to me after a commitment has been made.

You need to draw stronger boundaries. If he doesn’t set a time and date to see you, make other plans. Don’t accept last minute dates. You are spoiling this guy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 6 months, and I have plenty of things to keep me busy. The reason I’m around this weekend and didn’t make more plans is because of pandemic.

So what would you say to set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Here's a boundary of HIS you need to understand:

You are not a priority.

Even after six months he's made it clear that if he chooses to do something else, or something without you, he's going to do it. You are second choice.

This is not the behavior of a person who is committed to you. The only pattern you can change is yours. If I were you, I'd choose to look elsewhere for a real relationship.

This guy is treating you as a back-up plan and booty call when he wants one. Actually wouldn't be surprised if he's gone off with another woman. Camping "alone" my a$$/.

[Anonymous]

So you didn’t taste him at all this holiday weekend and he didn’t even bother to tell you he made other plans? DTMF right now.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you could be dating my Ex-H. He won’t change, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Do not give him the satisfaction of keeping up the same pattern. Don’t text him and doing something awesome today like taking a hike or having a picnic in the park, buy a super steak and grill it for dinner. Don’t contact him or complain about the kayak thing and when he does contact you talk about the great Memorial Day you had. Next time he tries to make plans if they are not concrete don’t believe they will happen and make other plans.

[Anonymous]

I agree that he does not seem to prioritize you or even be interested in seeing you. That doesn’t sound like an equally yoked relationship. If you are looking for a partner who is eager to spend time with you this guy doesn’t seem to fit the bill. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Where does this guy go camping alone? And how do you know he was like this in his marriage? Has he told you and is aware it’s a problem he has?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not give him the satisfaction of keeping up the same pattern. Don’t text him and doing something awesome today like taking a hike or having a picnic in the park, buy a super steak and grill it for dinner. Don’t contact him or complain about the kayak thing and when he does contact you talk about the great Memorial Day you had. Next time he tries to make plans if they are not concrete don’t believe they will happen and make other plans.

Nah... there would be no next time in my book! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I’m sorry OP. It is clear to me that he didn’t want to spend time with you this weekend. The kayak thing is just an excuse.

You now know where you stand so make the decision that works for you but don’t expect him to change, and I would advise against lowering your standards and reasonable expectations to keep him around.

I honestly would write him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give him the satisfaction of keeping up the same pattern. Don’t text him and doing something awesome today like taking a hike or having a picnic in the park, buy a super steak and grill it for dinner. Don’t contact him or complain about the kayak thing and when he does contact you talk about the great Memorial Day you had. Next time he tries to make plans if they are not concrete don’t believe they will happen and make other plans.

Nah... there would be no next time in my book! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I’m sorry OP. It is clear to me that he didn’t want to spend time with you this weekend. The kayak thing is just an excuse.

You now know where you stand so make the decision that works for you but don’t expect him to change, and I would advise against lowering your standards and reasonable expectations to keep him around.

I honestly would write him off.

Agree. As for what to say, OP, try this next time he calls (and for God's sake, don't call HIM!): "Hi BF. Hey, I'm glad you called because I've been wanting to tell you something. I've given some thought to our interactions and have decided its best if we go our own ways. No hard feelings. I wish you well. Goodbye." And hang up, block his number.

No explanation, no deep introspective conversation, no nothing. Just those facts. Then don't ever speak to him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you didn’t taste him at all this holiday weekend and he didn’t even bother to tell you he made other plans? DTMF right now.

OMG “see” him. Wtf autocorrect?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 6 months, and I have plenty of things to keep me busy. The reason I’m around this weekend and didn’t make more plans is because of pandemic.

So what would you say to set boundaries?

That's the time frame to really get to know someone -6 months. It is so easy to be on your best behavior early in a relationship. Most people drop the act (or can't keep it going) by around 6 months. This is who he is. This is how he will treat you. Accept it or move on.

[Anonymous]

Op how does he show you he cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give him the satisfaction of keeping up the same pattern. Don’t text him and doing something awesome today like taking a hike or having a picnic in the park, buy a super steak and grill it for dinner. Don’t contact him or complain about the kayak thing and when he does contact you talk about the great Memorial Day you had. Next time he tries to make plans if they are not concrete don’t believe they will happen and make other plans.

Nah... there would be no next time in my book! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I’m sorry OP. It is clear to me that he didn’t want to spend time with you this weekend. The kayak thing is just an excuse.

You now know where you stand so make the decision that works for you but don’t expect him to change, and I would advise against lowering your standards and reasonable expectations to keep him around.

I honestly would write him off.

Same PP here. I really dislike people who mess up (it’s OK, it happens), supposedly acknowledge their mistake and apologize then completely disregard the agreement they have with you and do the same things again.

I don’t have patience or time to waste on this BS.