Reply to Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?

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Reply to "Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication.  Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.[/quote]

Yes, if you break up with him you will be single again. That is unappetizing.  You have six months of sunk costs invested in this relationship.  Don’t throw good money and time after bad.  Cut your losses and look for someone who is a better match.

Part of relationship skills is recognizing when someone Is not a good fit.  Another part is communicating your needs.  It is not a “relationship skill” to get other people to behave politely.  A grown, healthy man does not tentatively make plans and then leave you hanging for 72 hours on a holiday weekend.  It is a “relationship skill” to recognize that such a person is not yet capable of a respectful, equal healthy relationship And needs more time for self-work.  You are not part of his self-work.

Breakup with him the next time he calls.  All you need to say is while you’ve enjoyed your time together, you recognize the two of you are not a good long term match and that you’re moving on and wish him the best.  No need to explain further.  [/quote]

+1 You can’t work on a relationship in a vacuum— it has to be a two-way street. In this context, the relationship skill that you can develop is learning to ask for what you need, recognize red flags for what they are and exit stage left when the writing is on the wall. That’s the growth - not tolerating disrespect  or squelching your own needs to keep the relationship going.

What he did was disrespectful and thoughtless and reflected that you are not a priority. If it were your OWN issues that were coming up — your own intimacy fears, ambivalence, difficulty communicating, etc. then yes, you would need to work on that stuff and “grow”, but you can’t work on the fact that your BF isn’t making you a priority or reciprocating a desire to spend time with you. But you can grow by recognizing your own needs as normal, reasonable and healthy, setting boundaries, communicating in a healthy way — and leaving a dead-end relationship. Also, by asking yourself why you are willing to accept disrespect and rationalize it away.[/quote]

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