Is this fixable (getting out of a bad relationship pattern)?

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar pattern in that I’d tend to fall into relationships with men who would end up not prioritizing our relationship. I’d highly recommend reading, Attached, OP- it’s a really easy read/ skim: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

I realized that I go after Avoidants and course corrected to my very pleasant surprise. It doesn’t matter if he’s sorry or if this behavior is normal for others; what matters is that his actions are not meeting your needs, even after you’ve communicated them clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a boundary of HIS you need to understand:

You are not a priority.

Even after six months he's made it clear that if he chooses to do something else, or something without you, he's going to do it. You are second choice.

This is not the behavior of a person who is committed to you. The only pattern you can change is yours. If I were you, I'd choose to look elsewhere for a real relationship.

This guy is treating you as a back-up plan and booty call when he wants one. Actually wouldn't be surprised if he's gone off with another woman. Camping "alone" my a$$/.

+100

[Anonymous]

OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Not could. DOES come from a lack of respect. For your time and feelings. What is good about your relationship?

[Anonymous]

The one who needs to work on things and grow in this situation is him but he doesn’t seem to be interested in doing that and he proved it with his behavior. You said it, it’s his pattern. Believe patterns not individual actions.

Also, Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy, plus six months is nothing and it’s not like you’re giving up on a marriage. You sound like you’re afraid you won’t find anyone else if you break up with him, snd he might be very aware of your scarcity mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

He is communicating his way, your not listening. Maybe we will go kayaking but it will be last minute is his way of saying “don’t count on it and likely not going to happen”. You need to tell him that unless he makes firm plans with you then your going to make other plans.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would assume this is the VERY BEST he has to offer in terms of communication. If you cannot live with this, I really think you should call it quits and move on.

I wish I had done that. I am now married to someone like this and no, it doesn't get better on the whole. He goes through periods where he is motivated (and occasionally when we were dating when he knew if it didn't I would break up). But he is who he is. I think most people with this communication pattern are not just procrastinators but avoidant.

So not only will you see this in day-to-day planning, but when you two have something difficult happen, he is likely to be someone who withdraws and avoids.

DH has redeeming qualities but the truth is this communication pattern is part of a bundle that if I'd really understood, I would have walked away. I was naive and thought in part that living together would bridge communication. No. You can stonewall with someone inches away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

You're saying the right things (and I really don't mean that in the patronizing way it could sound). It would be reasonable to communicate to him that you don't feel comfortable with leaving things so open-ended and need concrete plans and communication (be really specific). And see if that works for him and he can deliver. But if you ask for x and sit back and he's not offering x, you have your answer.

Here's the thing about trying to figure him out -- that can be good to a point. But at the end of the day, watch his behavior, not his explanations. If he has a good thing going and he's happy with you, he may go along with pretending that he can change, maybe he even believes he will. Ultimately, though, if he's acting like this now, he has serious motivation problems.

[Anonymous]

How desperate are you that you are willing to stay with a guy that CLEARLY communicates in a way that is NOT meeting your needs. IF you have already discussed this issue with him then it is time to move on. Why waste time with someone who will not change. You are not right for each other.
If you stay, in a year you will be back here bitching how your husband doesn't listen to you and you just don't know why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

Just go MIA on him for a week or two. Let him see how it feels.

If he doesn’t reach out, then you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, is he separated or actually divorced? Does he have children?

[Anonymous]

He has attachment issues -- this is not going to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, I'm well aware that this is a cra8*y thing for him to do and that the easy thing would be to end things.

But doing the easy thing is just going to put me back where I started 6 months ago. I'm looking to work on relationship skills so I can grow. It may well be that he doesn't want to work on anything, but I can only control me. So I'm not going to break up with someone based on assumptions of what's happening.

And, no, he's not with another woman, and, yes, he and many other people I know do camp alone. And the issue isn't that he's doing something without me - given what's going on with his life, he totally deserves a few days to decompress on his own and I totally support that. The issue is the lack of communication. Which could come from a lack of respect, but also other things.

What does this even mean? Everyone has a lot going on right now. You’re already making excuses for his behavior. Believe his actions now, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has attachment issues -- this is not going to get better.

+ 1,000,000. Married to a dismissive-avoidant attachment type and it’s very difficult. Not just for me, but for our children too. It CAN get better with individual therapy but given he’s divorced I’m guessing he isn’t into that. Most avoidant personalities would rather leave a relationship than have to confront emotions and conflict.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about my DH being like this and saying if I'd really understood, I wouldn't have met him. He loves me more than anyone he's loved, respects me as much as anyone. He adores me (in his own way). There are just some people who are damaged or have attachment problems and even when they give you the best they have to offer, it's really just not enough. Some people will treat you like this if they're not that into you. For others, it's not about a lack of anything in how they feel about you, it's a lack in them. You can't fix that and chances are, they won't.