Former ILs Mistreating New Wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).

Yeah, that will go over well. A woman calls up her ex husband and says, "Hey, just want you to know the kids tell me your parents are bad-mouthing Stepmom and enjoy talking about me. What are your plans to deal with that?"

[Anonymous]

You can be kind to her when you need to see her. You can ensure your children are kind to her, and that they are loving to their new sibling.

That's about it.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out and have coffee with her from time to time ( a few times a year)- under the guise of and for the purpose of co-parenting and that she is the step mom to your children. It will help your children too. Having an open ongoing dialogue that is pleasant and kind is what you can do and it will build trust if one of the children goes through a "rough patch". You can also make sure your children give her holiday and (if is tradition on you family) birthday gifts as well as to their new sibling.

If you ever are in presence of the in-laws when they make such statements, you can quash them then and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your relationship end because your ex cheated or did something else that was spectacularly stupid? They might just be taking it out on her instead of him... or they might just think she's a golddigger or some other stereotypical new younger wife cliche.

No, there was no cheating involved. He was just uninterested in living the good life. No, seriously. There was no life in him, he didn't want to do anything other than work a job he was overqualified for and watch football. Never really bothered with the kids. I got tired of constantly encouraging him. Frankly, he started to bore me to death

NP. The answer is above. They’re annoyed that their son is such a loser, they know OP had higher standards and held him to them, and now the new wife might be perfectly nice but is also a loser in their eyes and they think their son needs a good kick up the ass. They secretly hope that son will get it, OP will come running back, and happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be kind to her when you need to see her. You can ensure your children are kind to her, and that they are loving to their new sibling.

That's about it.

+1. Never badmouth her and change the subject when they do it in your presence.

[Anonymous]

ILs are protecting their grandkids’ feelings. New wife, new baby, new family. They are doing their best to make sure their grandkids know that they still matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).

Yeah, that will go over well. A woman calls up her ex husband and says, "Hey, just want you to know the kids tell me your parents are bad-mouthing Stepmom and enjoy talking about me. What are your plans to deal with that?"

I would do that and did it with an ex-SO when my sister (who is close to the new wife's younger brother) mentioned that they were having the same issues with his family sucking and him being a coward about it. So, the next time he contacted me I told him to man up and be a better SO to her. I didn't and don't want contact with her because she was weirdly stalkery clingy and idolized me in a way that set off red flags until I realized she was doing it because of what they were saying about me and setting her up to feel bad about it. I spoke once in person and once via dm to set things straight.

I think OP has gotten a lot of good responses on being gracious, friendly, etc, and setting a good example for her kids. I would emphasize that the mistreatment of the new wife is wrong.

I think it is OP's business also because her kids are seeing and possibly going to emulate the ILs behavior. Ugh. How lucky they are to have a nice bonus mom-not everyone is so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs are protecting their grandkids’ feelings. New wife, new baby, new family. They are doing their best to make sure their grandkids know that they still matter.

They have two sets of grandkids who deserve to be loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).

Real question is why is OP talking to the kids about this and not telling them this is adult stuff and to stay out of it. Exactly what role is she playing here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ILs are protecting their grandkids’ feelings. New wife, new baby, new family. They are doing their best to make sure their grandkids know that they still matter.

They have two sets of grandkids who deserve to be loved.

Of course. But their dad and mom split up and the grandparents can see the way the kids look at their dad and his new family. It isn’t really that hard to understand, is it? It has nothing to do with OP and everything to do with her children.

[Anonymous]

Limit your kids exposure to people like that. Your relationship was always distant and cordial. Make it more distant. Your kids don't need to be around grandparents or family like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).

Real question is why is OP talking to the kids about this and not telling them this is adult stuff and to stay out of it. Exactly what role is she playing here?

I can't talk to my kids about their father? Or they can't talk to me about their grandparents? What exactly do YOU propose I do? Say, "I don't give a shit, don't talk to me about them"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your relationship end because your ex cheated or did something else that was spectacularly stupid? They might just be taking it out on her instead of him... or they might just think she's a golddigger or some other stereotypical new younger wife cliche.

No, there was no cheating involved. He was just uninterested in living the good life. No, seriously. There was no life in him, he didn't want to do anything other than work a job he was overqualified for and watch football. Never really bothered with the kids. I got tired of constantly encouraging him. Frankly, he started to bore me to death

NP. The answer is above. They’re annoyed that their son is such a loser, they know OP had higher standards and held him to them, and now the new wife might be perfectly nice but is also a loser in their eyes and they think their son needs a good kick up the ass. They secretly hope that son will get it, OP will come running back, and happily ever after.

That ship has sailed loooong time ago

[Anonymous]

So Op, you want to still be all involved even though you are no longer married. He's boring but you are not letting go of him.

[Anonymous]

Guys, we did not have a church wedding or a Jewish wedding. Neither of us wanted to convert and at that time, we couldn't find a priest and a rabbi to do a simultaneous ceremony. So we got married in court and then had a party. With my 2nd husband I got lucky, I guess. We were able to find more amicable God's servants

And yes, I married another Christian guy. Can't seem to get enough of them.