Former ILs Mistreating New Wife

[Anonymous]

Someone in my family was in a similar spot - the entire time their son was married to wife #1, they weren't particularly nice to her. Then he divorced wife #1 and met and married wife #2 a few years later. All of a sudden wife #1, who was merely tolerated during the marriage, is a saint and wife #2 is the devil. I don't get it either. They're both perfectly nice women. I think the real issue is that no woman is good enough for my relatives' precious baby boy (who is almost 50).

I wouldn't get involved if I were you. Lots of potential for drama you don't need.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how you know that no one else brought a gift for the baby. When I had a baby, my in laws mailed gifts to our home that were set up way before the baby came. My own mother had bought me a prenatal massage as my gift. Why would your kids know about that? Was there a shower they attended where their gift was the only one? Did your ex-ILs tell you they didn't celebrate the baby?

I also don't see how asking about their mom (you) is being rude. That's polite, isn't it? I ask about my cousin's mom when we meet up (my uncle's ex-wife) because she was family for years and I want to know how she's doing. My uncle's new wife is often there, but I hope she doesn't see it as rude--it's just the reality of second marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None.Of.Your.Business.

Also your kids may well be lying and everyone adores this woman, including them but they feel guilty about it so have made up this quite ridiculous story for you.

You're welcome.

What a ridiculous, outlandish thing to say.
You sound like you have a lot of mistrust within your family, as well as you, yourself.

Don't project that negativity onto the OP -- most family's don't lie, scheme and manipulate one another.

Disagree. I think there is some truth in this perspective, although delivery may have been a bit blunt.

Children have intense loyalty binds to their mothers. Whenever another woman enters the picture, as well as a new sibling, children are going to feel these loyalty issues intensely. While they may not knowingly "lie" about the statements made they can easily present them to you (mother/OP) in a way that they subconsciously know you will approve of.

You made two comments about your exH's wife being younger which is telling. Plus she's had his baby. You weren't particularly close to his family, either. Despite being happily remarried yourself is it possible you may still feel some lingering resentment towards your ex and his family? Surely your kids may have overheard you comment on these issues at some point and they've squirreled it away in their subconscious. Maybe they've got some issues with the new baby/half-sibling, too, but have not articulated it to you.

Like others have said, it is not your business how the ILs treat your ex-husband's wife. You have no idea what the dynamic is between them. All you can control is your behavior and comments toward your own children. If you have not considered some family counseling for your and the kids, I would suggest it. Step situations are never easy and are a landmine of potential hazards which can blow up many years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None.Of.Your.Business.

Also your kids may well be lying and everyone adores this woman, including them but they feel guilty about it so have made up this quite ridiculous story for you.

You're welcome.

What a ridiculous, outlandish thing to say.
You sound like you have a lot of mistrust within your family, as well as you, yourself.

Don't project that negativity onto the OP -- most family's don't lie, scheme and manipulate one another.

Disagree. I think there is some truth in this perspective, although delivery may have been a bit blunt.

Children have intense loyalty binds to their mothers. Whenever another woman enters the picture, as well as a new sibling, children are going to feel these loyalty issues intensely. While they may not knowingly "lie" about the statements made they can easily present them to you (mother/OP) in a way that they subconsciously know you will approve of.

You made two comments about your exH's wife being younger which is telling. Plus she's had his baby. You weren't particularly close to his family, either. Despite being happily remarried yourself is it possible you may still feel some lingering resentment towards your ex and his family? Surely your kids may have overheard you comment on these issues at some point and they've squirreled it away in their subconscious. Maybe they've got some issues with the new baby/half-sibling, too, but have not articulated it to you.

Like others have said, it is not your business how the ILs treat your ex-husband's wife. You have no idea what the dynamic is between them. All you can control is your behavior and comments toward your own children. If you have not considered some family counseling for your and the kids, I would suggest it. Step situations are never easy and are a landmine of potential hazards which can blow up many years later.

^^You mention how "these people keep bringing ME up" in conversation. Is it possible you are secretly pleased to point out that they are giving you this kind of attention in front of your ex-husband and his wife?

[Anonymous]

It's because his familly is Catholic. My family is too and they regard the second wife as not really his wife because divorce is not appropriate.

Also, yes, not your business. Your kids are your business so make sure they know your values and that treating people like dirt is wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think you stay out of it. Just be nice to her and show your support. Make sure your kids have nice presents for her and her baby (and their dad of course) on holidays. Invite her to things you do for your kids, like their birthday parties. If she ever needs help, say your ex goes out of town or something, offer help. Lead by example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because his familly is Catholic. My family is too and they regard the second wife as not really his wife because divorce is not appropriate.

Also, yes, not your business. Your kids are your business so make sure they know your values and that treating people like dirt is wrong.

Did you miss the part where OP said she is Jewish, and is raising the kids as Jewish? Obviously she did not convert to Catholicism when she married her Catholic husband. So the second wife, who is Catholic, should be more acknowledged and recognized by the family according to your theory. But she isn't.

Also, if Jewish OP and Catholic husband were not married in the church (but in a civil ceremony) then I understand the church wouldn't recognize it anyway. So divorce wouldn't be an issue.

[Anonymous]

They weren't particularly close or nice to you by the sounds of it and you did what you did out of politeness.

It sounds like they are awful to the new wife however it is your ex's problem and fault. He could put a stop to it but is too weak.

Be glad you moved on from the circus and hopefully your new in-laws are nicer.

If you see the new wife I would mention what the kids have said and tell her that it's not her but them and that they were't warm to you when you were married so you have no idea why they bring you up now.

Hopefully the new wife just stops trying with them.

[Anonymous]

Catholics are married for life - in the eyes of God.

Only relevant to the first marriage.

That may have something to do with it. And it didn't matter that you were Jewish, they got past that. His second wife will never be his true wife ... in the eyes of God ... in their view.

They may not even know how significant the Catholic teachings have permeated their psyche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None.Of.Your.Business.

Also your kids may well be lying and everyone adores this woman, including them but they feel guilty about it so have made up this quite ridiculous story for you.

You're welcome.

What a ridiculous, outlandish thing to say.
You sound like you have a lot of mistrust within your family, as well as you, yourself.

Don't project that negativity onto the OP -- most family's don't lie, scheme and manipulate one another.

+1 This happens. Kids feel guilt when their parents divorce and they like the new mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Catholics are married for life - in the eyes of God.

Only relevant to the first marriage.

That may have something to do with it. And it didn't matter that you were Jewish, they got past that. His second wife will never be his true wife ... in the eyes of God ... in their view.

They may not even know how significant the Catholic teachings have permeated their psyche.

You are laughingly ill-informed about both the Catholic and Jewish faiths if you think this couple would have been "married for life - in the eyes of God" when one is a practicing Jew and the other is Catholic. Please go back and read some more about both religions before you post again. We're not interested in the religion of Your Opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Catholics are married for life - in the eyes of God.

Only relevant to the first marriage.

That may have something to do with it. And it didn't matter that you were Jewish, they got past that. His second wife will never be his true wife ... in the eyes of God ... in their view.

They may not even know how significant the Catholic teachings have permeated their psyche.

You are laughingly ill-informed about both the Catholic and Jewish faiths if you think this couple would have been "married for life - in the eyes of God" when one is a practicing Jew and the other is Catholic. Please go back and read some more about both religions before you post again. We're not interested in the religion of Your Opinion.

A Catholic can petition for a dispensation from disparity of cult from the church that would authorize a Catholic-Jewish wedding (or other interfaith wedding where the non Catholic spouse is neither Catholic nor baptized Christian).

[Anonymous]

This is so funny! My husband’s XW is Jewish, his family is Catholic, I was raised Catholic but not practicing.
The first year or two of our marriage, every time we visited I would have to listen to stories about when XW was there and did this, remember when XW cooked that, how about when everyone including XW went here... plus asking my step kids all about how their mom was doing. I didn’t mind them asking the kids how their mom was - it’s perfectly normal. But I got so tired of all the reminiscing about times with XW. I told my husband it irritated me, but didn’t dwell on it. The ILs stopped talking about XW every visit. Years later MIL told me my husband told them to chill out with always talking about XW while I was around. I’m so glad he did.
But yes, it’s something your XH should talk to his parents about. Maybe mention it to him?

[Anonymous]

I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Catholics are married for life - in the eyes of God.

Only relevant to the first marriage.

That may have something to do with it. And it didn't matter that you were Jewish, they got past that. His second wife will never be his true wife ... in the eyes of God ... in their view.

They may not even know how significant the Catholic teachings have permeated their psyche.

You are laughingly ill-informed about both the Catholic and Jewish faiths if you think this couple would have been "married for life - in the eyes of God" when one is a practicing Jew and the other is Catholic. Please go back and read some more about both religions before you post again. We're not interested in the religion of Your Opinion.

A Catholic can petition for a dispensation from disparity of cult from the church that would authorize a Catholic-Jewish wedding (or other interfaith wedding where the non Catholic spouse is neither Catholic nor baptized Christian).

And how many people are actually willing to go through all that? I doubt the OP did.