Reply to Former ILs Mistreating New Wife

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I see this as OP being unhappy that her kids are being exposed to and partly in the middle of their perception of her XIL's behavior.

On the one hand, it is normal for your kids' grandparents to show interest in their lives and ask questions about things that involve them and are apart of their lives, like you. I see no problem there; the new wife knows she has married into a blended family, and that you exist and will continue to be a topic of interest and a tangential part of her life, particularly where her step kids are involved. Tell your kids that.

Your kids are clearly discussing with you the behavior of the XILs to the Step Mom. You should discuss it with them by answering their questions and advising them about what is their business, what is not their business, and how to behave and not be rude themselves. They should forge their own relationship with step mom and step sibling, ignore the way grandparents are being (as in, they can't change them, and they must not be rude to them about it either). Beyond helping your kids process and appropriately manage the situation they are in, it is not your issue. If your kids are having a lot of trouble with that, and need in the moment guidance and help, then talk to your X about what they've shared and ask if he can help them (approach it as helping the kids managing what they perceive as a difficult situation; this one is mostly in his court).[/quote]

Yeah, that will go over well.  A woman calls up her ex husband and says,  "Hey, just want you to know the kids tell me your parents are bad-mouthing Stepmom and enjoy talking about me.  What are your plans to deal with that?" [/quote]

I would do that and did it with an ex-SO when my sister (who is close to the new wife's younger brother) mentioned that they were having the same issues with his family sucking and him being a coward about it. So, the next time he contacted me I told him to man up and be a better SO to her.  I didn't and don't want contact with her because she was weirdly stalkery clingy and idolized me in a way that set off red flags until I realized she was doing it because of what they were saying about me and setting her up to feel bad about it. I spoke once in person and once via dm to set things straight.

I think OP has gotten a lot of good responses on being gracious, friendly, etc, and setting a good example for her kids. I would emphasize that the mistreatment of the new wife is wrong.

I think it is OP's business also because her kids are seeing and possibly going to emulate the ILs behavior. Ugh. How lucky they are to have a nice bonus mom-not everyone is so lucky. [/quote]

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