I'm Drowning Here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very rough, but Why did you marry someone like that?

He started being like this in the last 2 years. The first part of our marriage was not like this. He was not the neatest person in the world but he would clean up after himself and do regular cleaning up around the house. His job has started to really stress him in the last two years and I believe its all related; however, he will not look for another job.

I was about to say hunt for an ADD advocacy organization and use them as a referral for counseling but it sounds like this other stuff is the real problem and spilling over into his ability to handle the ADD stuff, making that stuff worse. So I'd say just counseling, period. Maybe he's anxious about his health and in a spiral between the job and the health aspects? Either way, the entire burden of all this can't fall on you. And if he also feels he's carrying a lot of burden as well, then basically something needs to give to lessen the entire load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Just sympathy. My wife has severe ADHD along with a suite of other vaguely defined mental health issues. But yes the piles. And yes the absolute disastrous mess everywhere. And thanks to our county ceasing glass recycling we’ve now added boxes and stacks of glass bottles all over the place until she can take them somewhere for recycling. Never happens. But she really cares for the environment! Her home and family, not so much.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sorry to say nothing will help. People are who they are.

You sound like a catch.

I don’t know if I am or not. Not sure what that even means in this context. What I do know is how much pain and frustration and sheer exhaustion comes with trying to love, care for, and co-parent with someone who has this kind of mental health problem. It has a drastic impact on just about every facet of family life. There are days it’s nearly unbearable. Having some idea of where OP is coming from, I felt sympathetic and wanted to say that.

I don’t understand why that’s a problem, but sure, if it helps you to trash me for whatever reason, feel free. I couldn’t care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are on the brink of divorce bc of a lot of this. Not so much the piles of stuff but the mess, inability to multitask (at all) and losing everyday things every.goddamn.day (I’m talking keys, Wallet, work badge). Like a PP said, didn’t give a shit when we were in our 20s, we went out, did whatever we wanted, travelled a lot, etc, and I wasn’t the cleanest either to be fair. Fast forward and we have a one year old and it’s gotten sooooo much worse since she was born, like overnight. He’s really insecure about all this and refuses to get help, so we fight about that too.

This might explain his insecurity.

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.

OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.

Thank you for this. I’m a DW with inattentive ADHD. And I’m lucky DH, for the most part, is understanding.

OP— this might be helpful to understand why he can’t do the simplest tasks. This was so eye opening for me. Because it drive me crazy that I can’t do the simplest things even when I want to do them.

https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg

https://youtu.be/hlObsAeFNVk

[Anonymous]

Is there a room you can clear out and claim as your own, for sleeping in? I think you have to give ultimatums. Either he goes back to the CPAP doctor to find another solution, or he needs to clean a room for you to sleep in. Either you get marriage counseling, or the marriage is not going to last. Is he overweight? That could be contributing to the sleep apnea and lack of being able to clean up after himself.

[Anonymous]

You have to get a counselor for him that is well versed in ADHD and it’s effects in relationships. Needs methods and coping skills. You both do

[Anonymous]

This is my life too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.

OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.

Thanks for this. He has two offices. So our children have one bedroom each; my husband has two offices filled with junk but really only works from one (just stores junk in the other one) and then we have our bedroom. So our five bedroom at this point are all occupied. A couple of weeks ago I told him one office space has to be mine. I have a hobby that I love and have been unable to engage in because I need a good amount of space to do it. To his credit it looks much better than it did before but nowhere near the level it would need to be for regular use.

OP, I think you are going to have to show him that you really mean business. (I also feel like something similar was posted before - the CPAP/snoring/moving back into the bedroom, but anyway).

He doesn't get two offices. He just does not. Anything in your office that belongs to him goes to his office. He can move it or you can move it, but that's the deal. It's your office, you get a lock for the door, and stand your ground.

Agree with everyone else re: the counseling. And stop taking his lame high blood pressure excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.

OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.

Thank you for this. I’m a DW with inattentive ADHD. And I’m lucky DH, for the most part, is understanding.

OP— this might be helpful to understand why he can’t do the simplest tasks. This was so eye opening for me. Because it drive me crazy that I can’t do the simplest things even when I want to do them.

https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg

https://youtu.be/hlObsAeFNVk

Thank you for sharing these links. Useful for building up my patience with ADHD family members. - NP

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my sympathies. I am about to get divorced from a man with severe ADD. He also forgets everything, plops things down wherever he feels like, does not want to get rid of anything. I can't live like that. And it's not even so much that he does all of those things, but that he is completely and utterly unwilling to change anything and makes me sound like a bad guy for wanting to live a life that is not constant chaos all the time.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry you are feeling this way and struggling. My husband has similar issues but is undiagnosed with ADHD. Does your DH see there is a problem or think everything is hunky dory? Would he consider adjusting his medication and/or adding a behavioral therapy component?

I am reading a book called "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and there are a few common patterns/dynamics that appear in ADHD marriages. It explains the patterns and also provides guidance for how to change those patterns (requiring work from both spouses to make adjustments). These patterns are dysfunctional and lead to discord and divorce more than couples that don't have an ADHD partner. Reading it has been eye-opening and helped me see that 1) it takes work for me to understand DH's perspective and his perspective is no picnic (in a different way than mine, like under an overwhelming burden of housework), and 2) it is not impossible to come back from this point. There are a lot of positive stories and couples at various stages of marriage and separation.

Good luck OP, I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you so much for these responses. They have all been so helpful and given me some ideas. I am going to have the either we fix this or it’s end of us talk this weekend.

OP- I live in a family of people with various diagnosed and undiagnosed ADD. The anxiety makes the symptoms much worse. Before heading to divorce, tell your DH he needs to consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help with the anxiety. He also needs a very set, very explicit routine at home. Think about what would help you the most-- maybe he gets a "room to toss his stuff into" if a massive cleaning project is too overwhelming.
ADD is not a condition of selfishness or immaturity-- it's a brain based struggle. I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life or be miserable if things aren't working out, but there are strategies that can help your DH. Also, consider that his medication is wearing off by the evening most likely-- it might be that he could really help you (in a meaningful way) with the house work on the weekend mornings.
I just know from working with my own son that people with ADD need manageable strategies to get them through life's executive functioning challenges.
If there are things that you still love and appreciate about your DH, work with him on some strategies-- ultimatums don't really help, because again, he will be well-intentioned, but won't hold up his end because he doesn't have a good plan in place.

Thank you for this. I’m a DW with inattentive ADHD. And I’m lucky DH, for the most part, is understanding.

OP— this might be helpful to understand why he can’t do the simplest tasks. This was so eye opening for me. Because it drive me crazy that I can’t do the simplest things even when I want to do them.

https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg

https://youtu.be/hlObsAeFNVk

Thank you for sharing these links. Useful for building up my patience with ADHD family members. - NP

+1. Thank you. These videos are excellent.

[Anonymous]

to everyone asking - did you know this before you got married - please google ADHD courtship & hyper focus. The dopamine burst that an ADHD person has while falling in love is magical and powerful, and often wears off around 2-3 years, right around the time the couple is now married and having children .... the spouse can change drastically!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry you are feeling this way and struggling. My husband has similar issues but is undiagnosed with ADHD. Does your DH see there is a problem or think everything is hunky dory? Would he consider adjusting his medication and/or adding a behavioral therapy component?

I am reading a book called "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and there are a few common patterns/dynamics that appear in ADHD marriages. It explains the patterns and also provides guidance for how to change those patterns (requiring work from both spouses to make adjustments). These patterns are dysfunctional and lead to discord and divorce more than couples that don't have an ADHD partner. Reading it has been eye-opening and helped me see that 1) it takes work for me to understand DH's perspective and his perspective is no picnic (in a different way than mine, like under an overwhelming burden of housework), and 2) it is not impossible to come back from this point. There are a lot of positive stories and couples at various stages of marriage and separation.

Good luck OP, I feel for you.

NP who came across the same author, Melissa Orlov. I have just started reading her books (she has two) and her website (https://www.adhdmarriage.com/) where she has blogs and forums - it has been AMAZINGLY helpful... if nothing else, helping me feel less alone in this mess. There are really common dynamics that appear and are unique challenges in a marriage with an ADHD partner. She provides helpful advice for BOTH parties to improve upon for the sake of the marriage.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND TO ANYONE IN A CHALLENGING MARRIAGE WITH AN ADHD PARTNER!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like more of a hoarding problem than ADHD. You need to take charge here and even if he will not allow you to get rid of anything because it gives him anxiety to part with whatever is making up his various piles around the house, then at least take the stuff and store it in bins so it's out of the way and you can make space. Will he at least allow you to move it, even if you're not giving it away? That way it's stored and out of the way and he can go through it another time after he's sought help for this condition. My parents were hoarders and never got rid of anything, and piles of stuff accumulated throughout their house. People who suffer from this aren't able to part with anything, even if they're no longer using it. It's a mental illness. But one way to compromise on this, is just to store it and that way you're not living with piles of stuff everywhere. As for the ADHD side of things, are there ways you can help him stay more organized? Designate a spot for him to leave his keys? Find ways to help him track appointments, etc.? I think that is less of an issue than the hoarding. I always joke with friends and family that if not for me, child protective services would probably show up at our house for our children living in filth and clutter because my husband, who has not been formally diagnosed with ADHD. literally does not clean and will not get rid of anything. I clean and purge. The soccer cleats he hasn't worn since high school? Gone. The shirts he hasn't worn since 1997? Gone. I don't even ask. I just get rid of stuff and as long as it's not something sentimental or a childhood memento, it gets donated. And for the cleaning--I've just accepted that is my job. He's pretty good about putting dishes in the sink and doesn't leave food around, but he could goes weeks without ever cleaning a bathroom or wiping down a kitchen counter if I wasn't there. When I met him after college, his room was a filthy, disgusting so I knew then what I was dealing with and even though we lived together for several years before we got married, his lack of organization and cleaning really didn't bother me as much until we had kids. That's when I wanted my house clean and organized and I had to accept he won't change and I just need to make it my job to do it. I could not tolerate any form of hoarding. OP--see if you can compromise with him and at least store his piles in places that are not infringing on your daily life. And reclaim the second bedroom so you can get a decent night's sleep!