I'm Drowning Here

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming that the OP married the guy because she was desperate to start a family and he seemed nice based on what she's posted.

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just sympathy. My wife has severe ADHD along with a suite of other vaguely defined mental health issues. But yes the piles. And yes the absolute disastrous mess everywhere. And thanks to our county ceasing glass recycling we’ve now added boxes and stacks of glass bottles all over the place until she can take them somewhere for recycling. Never happens. But she really cares for the environment! Her home and family, not so much.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sorry to say nothing will help. People are who they are.

[Anonymous]

OP, the obvious question is, have you tried counseling with a very good therapist? Couples and individual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No we did not live together before marriage and I did not know these things. He had a very sparsely furnished apartment and just worked a lot. He spent a lot of time at my place but never observed him being messy. This is, however, one of the reasons I recommend living with someone before you get married. We dated for a year and then got married 6 months later - mid/late thirties.

Same here. Big regrets.
I also wish I spent a week vacation with his folks to see how hereditary these disorders are. I still don’t know what planet they’re on, but it’s one filled with 40 yo and 70 yo two year olds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is about to marry a guy with what I would call severe ADD. This makes me sad for me. They have lived together a few months, but I don’t that kid free, small apartment living is the best representation of what lies ahead for them.

Correct.those are still low responsibility and low stress lifestyles.

[Anonymous]

You deserve to get good sleep. Somehow you need to make sure you have a comfortable bedroom to yourself that is yours and that he is not allowed to put stuff in.

I’ve tried cpap masks too and hate them. Some people swear by them. Is he a mouth breather? If not he should try to one’s that just go around your nose. I am a mask breather and so had to do the full masks but I think I could have tolerated the nose ones.

[Anonymous]

You are married to my husband. Send him outlook meeting requests and get a nice set up in your second bedroom if you don’t want a divorce. That’s all I’ve got.

[Anonymous]

The CPAP is not optional. Focus on it and when you are both getting better sleep, a lot of other stuff may improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are married to my husband. Send him outlook meeting requests and get a nice set up in your second bedroom if you don’t want a divorce. That’s all I’ve got.

Start with "Buddy.. we need to talk.."

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm drowning trying to read your post. Please use paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nightmare. Get yourself a therapist and some good wine.

[Anonymous]

Can you separate and coparent? You need some space OP. This type of living is not healthy or sustainable for you or your kids. You may overlook it now but imagine when the kids are older. They will become codependent and have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you separate and coparent? You need some space OP. This type of living is not healthy or sustainable for you or your kids. You may overlook it now but imagine when the kids are older. They will become codependent and have issues.

If you go this route, try and convince him to get a vasectomy before you make any moves. Otherwise he’s liable to start another family and further dilute his very limited attention.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are going through this. My girlfriend had the same situation with her fiance and then husband.

The fiance had stacks of stuff around the house. His ex wife lived several houses down the streets but his kids would not come over to his house because there was no place to sit and the kids could not bring their friends over as they were too embarrassed.

It was a long journey for my friend. She separated over this for several years.

Understand this is a pretty severe mental health problem.
She did individual counseling and also couples counseling.

I think what worked best was moving to a new house and throwing all the crap away at the old house.

At the new house husband has only one room for his stuff/stacks. He is not allowed to put anything down in the rest of the house. This has helped a lot.

If you go to couples counseling make sure you go to someone good.

Also if you have an extra room designate it for his stuff/stacks and clear out the rest.

My friend is still married and they seem to be happy now.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are on the brink of divorce bc of a lot of this. Not so much the piles of stuff but the mess, inability to multitask (at all) and losing everyday things every.goddamn.day (I’m talking keys, Wallet, work badge). Like a PP said, didn’t give a shit when we were in our 20s, we went out, did whatever we wanted, travelled a lot, etc, and I wasn’t the cleanest either to be fair. Fast forward and we have a one year old and it’s gotten sooooo much worse since she was born, like overnight. He’s really insecure about all this and refuses to get help, so we fight about that too.