I'm Drowning Here

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a man who has ADD. He does take medication for it and says it helps at work but I don't see any improvement at home and it is seriously taking a toll on our relationship. He literally forgets everything (appointments, requests, tasks, etc.) and leaves a complete mess everywhere he goes. It makes me want to cry. There is literally actually food on my kitchen floor everyday - whole crackers, raisins, peanuts. When I say you could eat off of my floor, I don't mean it in a good way. However, its not as though he sees it and ignores it, it's literally as though it doesn't register to him that these things shouldn't be on the floor and he should pick it up. We have a five bedroom home; however, I have NO space of my own. He has encroached on every single available room in the house with *stuff* he can't bear to part with. We have had so many arguments about this and he recently told me that when I tell him about the things he's not doing he doesn't like to hear it because it makes his blood pressure go up. The final straw was this week - he usually sleeps in a room next door (a messy one) because he snores and I can't sleep. On a scale of 1-10, his snoring is a 10 from the first moment he takes a breath and no position or anything will help. He's tried the CPAP machine but said it was too uncomfortable. Well, this week, he decided that the sleeping accommodations in the next room were too uncomfortable so he's back sleeping in our bed. That means not only am I constantly cleaning up and picking up behind him as soon as I get home from work(after a 1 hour commute and picking up our two kids), by the time I get up to our bedroom to collapse, he is has beat me to our room and is sound asleep snoring. We have a cleaning service come in every two weeks but I have found lately, that they aren't cleaning the house as well because he has so many piles of stuff everywhere. I am overwhelmed and feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Also I have two children (almost toddler and grade schooler) and I don't want them to think that these conditions are normal and end up being as messy and sloppy as he is. I just want to move away and live by myself with my two kids.

[Anonymous]

Start throwing his piles away.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to give you any advice without knowing a little more, but I am seriously wondering if you knew these things about him before you married and had children with him. Did you live together for awhile before marriage?

[Anonymous]

No we did not live together before marriage and I did not know these things. He had a very sparsely furnished apartment and just worked a lot. He spent a lot of time at my place but never observed him being messy. This is, however, one of the reasons I recommend living with someone before you get married. We dated for a year and then got married 6 months later - mid/late thirties.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very rough, but Why did you marry someone like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to give you any advice without knowing a little more, but I am seriously wondering if you knew these things about him before you married and had children with him. Did you live together for awhile before marriage?

I don't know that this is fair. Most people don't date and live together years and years before getting married. If you live with someone long enough, you'd probably never marry them because there will always be things about them that annoy you given enough time. Plus what seems fine and tolerable as 20 something singles, when renting a 1bd apt, with no kids doesn't always pan out as tolerable 10+ yrs down the road with a big house, kids, work pressure, medical issues, etc.

OP I'm sorry. Your situation sounds awful. I would probably have to get out, cleanly and nicely, and agree to be great co-parents. Make a new life with your kids. No one deserves to be miserable always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No we did not live together before marriage and I did not know these things. He had a very sparsely furnished apartment and just worked a lot. He spent a lot of time at my place but never observed him being messy. This is, however, one of the reasons I recommend living with someone before you get married. We dated for a year and then got married 6 months later - mid/late thirties.

I had a feeling. My heart goes out to you but I concur, I think everyone should live together before committing to marriage.

I would suggest you get into couples counseling so you can express these things that bother you, perhaps get some advice from the counselor as to how to deal with it and hopefully advice for him as to how to mitigate some of these issues, assuming he is ready to try to do that. I think it would be helpful to you to be able to verbalize your complaints to a third party, at least to clarify it all in your own mind, but also to make it clear to him how close you are to the end of your rope. With such young kids I assume you want to try whatever might work before you give up.

[Anonymous]

My sister is about to marry a guy with what I would call severe ADD. This makes me sad for me. They have lived together a few months, but I don’t that kid free, small apartment living is the best representation of what lies ahead for them.

[Anonymous]

Op do you get anything positive out of being married to him?

This sounds pretty bad.

Do you enjoy his company? Is he funny or interesting? Are you still attracted to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very rough, but Why did you marry someone like that?

Isn’t it too late to be asking such questions? It’s not like OP can go back in time and change things. Instead of asking such questions, how about giving some helpful advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very rough, but Why did you marry someone like that?

He started being like this in the last 2 years. The first part of our marriage was not like this. He was not the neatest person in the world but he would clean up after himself and do regular cleaning up around the house. His job has started to really stress him in the last two years and I believe its all related; however, he will not look for another job.

[Anonymous]

Loud snoring is a symptom of sleep apnea. The effects of long term sleep apnea mimic ADHD to the extent that sometimes adhd disappears when the apnea is treated. Your first step is to do a sleep study with a sleep medicine doctor or EN T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op do you get anything positive out of being married to him?

This sounds pretty bad.

Do you enjoy his company? Is he funny or interesting? Are you still attracted to him?

He is funny, smart, well read and traveled and selfless when it comes to his money and providing for the family. I do still find him attractive but these issues make me not attracted to him at times. I feel like I'm always mad at him and then can't talk about it because he's very sensitive to criticism and keeps bringing up his blood pressure issues. So it just keeps building and I want to escape. I would do anything to help/save my marriage though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Loud snoring is a symptom of sleep apnea. The effects of long term sleep apnea mimic ADHD to the extent that sometimes adhd disappears when the apnea is treated. Your first step is to do a sleep study with a sleep medicine doctor or EN T.

Thanks. We have done this twice and he was given a CPAP. He used it for a bit and then said it made him uncomfortable. I told him that as long as he would not do what it would take to treat the snoring, we would have to sleep separately because I just could not get to sleep or if I was asleep, he was waking me up no less than 15-20 times per night snoring.

[Anonymous]

I can’t really help with anything other than to suggest he (probably you) research different cpap masks, so he can find one that works for him. My husband tried a few before settling on one and it’s been fantastic.