Never Been Married- 45 Year Old Woman

[Anonymous]

Online dating brings out the worst in people. While you were married these women were being knocked around by really crappy garbage male hookup behavior. Even with a sturdy sense of self it can knock you sideways. Not suggesting you make up for it by selecting these women, but there is a reason people dating online seek partners that are more similar to themselves. It’s just easier. You need a divorcee or someone younger or you’ll need to realize these women are actual people and grow some empathy/compassion. Also, humility as it sounds like you are not actually ready to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know plenty of people - male and female - in their 40's who are never married. Most of them are pretty normal. The craziest people in my social group are actually married or divorced, so I'm not sure you can extrapolate someone's fitness for marriage by whether they've been married before.

The bright side of a 45-year-old who hasn't been married is that they likely do have less baggage. Like it or not, if you are a divorced person, you probably have some negative feelings toward your ex and maybe their gender in general. You probably have some stuff to work out over why your marriage didn't work. You may have kids you're sharing with your ex, and it may or may not be amicable. I've dated my share of divorced guys and most of them have some issues related to the marriage, and some custody issues to work out. It's never all that easy. It's so much easier to date the never-marrieds. (as long as you accept that some of them are single because they choose to be.)

Most of the child-free women I know over the age of 35 (and maybe 30) are happy to date guys with kids because they know that's the pool at that age. Most of them know they won't come first in your life. If coming first in your life is their thing, they'll find someone without kids.

YES. THANK YOU.

[Anonymous]

I only have one friend in her 40s who is not married, and she is definitely within the category of having unrealistic expectations. It is almost like the Seinfeld episode where one of the characters breaks up with people for incredibly trivial things, except this person never gets deep enough into a relationship to have a true significant other. I haven't quite figured her out because she is attractive and successful. I think it also stems to far of commitment rooted in lack of self-confidence/fear of rejection.

I know of a few others who I get glimpses of from time to time on social media, and they do seem not quite right, mentally. But they are not my chosen friends.

[Anonymous]

If you're 45 and have money, look semi-decent, you can easily find an attractive 30 year old. If you're looking at 45 year olds I assume you are either very overweight, very awkward, poor, or 60?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a woman. I love my friends who are mid 40s and never married, but I CERTAINLY would not date any of them. Yes, they are weird. No, they do not understand much beyond themselves.

Agree. People who have been married tend to learn at least a little compromise. My single friends aren't necessary selfish, but it just doesn't occur to them to think outside of themselves.
The least weird ones travel a lot and are more exposed to different cultures -maybe that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of is the fact you’re finding these women online. I joined a couple sites at various times and they definitely attract the lowest common denominator—that I clouded you OP. If you’re desperate enough to go online because you’re too afraid to be alone and you’re not able to attract people in person, then you’re one of the people you’re complaining about.

Online certainly brings out the weirdos, but it's tough for anyone in their 40's to meet people. You don't want to do it at work or business events for fear of sexual harrassment or company policy violations, and there's not many 40 year olds hanging at the bars. That leaves community activities, but it's just tough if you're a single parent, to find that kind of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you opposed to dating a mid-40s woman who is divorced or widowed? Men who remain single in their mid-40s also tend to be underdeveloped in either social skills or emotional intelligence.

OP here.

No. No problem with divorced women or widows (rare at my age- 47) but my filters still catch the never married mid 40s and those women are weird. Like, one on Tinder an hour ago asking me if I really 'needed' to spend time with my kids 'every weekend you have them."

Like, WTF?

Like WTF said no mid 40's man ever.

Troll.

I think OP may be a lesbian?

[Anonymous]

I think it is not the never married, it is the living alone for decades and never being a parent and having someone you need to put before yourself.

Some had the capability but after so long, it is deeply buried and could be resurrected. Some never wanted to compromise and never will. You may have better luck with the first, once your children are out of the house.

Are you looking for companionship and another wife or are you looking to casually date and do things with someone on your off weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're 45 and have money, look semi-decent, you can easily find an attractive 30 year old. If you're looking at 45 year olds I assume you are either very overweight, very awkward, poor, or 60?

Depends on the scenario. If you're a 45yo guy who already has kids, and you don't want more, that rules out all the 30yo women who want kids. At that point there is probably a larger pool of 40-something women who have given up on having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 45 yo woman. My friends who are still single are great women, but definitely have issues. I’d say the same goes for men who make it to their mid-40s without having married. Unless you want a second family, you should stick to divorced or widowed women.

Most 45 year olds have issues. The divorced ones too.

So do married ones. We’re all weird by mid-40s!

I’m remarried after eight divorced years. I definitely got weirder, by which I mean, more comfortable being myself rather than pretending to be someone else for other people’s comfort or approval. Some of that weirdness developed after I started dating my now DH and he contributed greatly to it by now freaking out and running away when I dared to be myself.

+100 on the “we’re all weird by mid 40s”. I’ll add that everyone is weird. but when in your 20s and 30s you just spend significantly more effort on hiding your weirdness. By the time your 40, you stop caring so much what everyone else thinks and you just don’t want to waste time on people who aren’t a good match for the “real” you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're 45 and have money, look semi-decent, you can easily find an attractive 30 year old. If you're looking at 45 year olds I assume you are either very overweight, very awkward, poor, or 60?

Depends on the scenario. If you're a 45yo guy who already has kids, and you don't want more, that rules out all the 30yo women who want kids. At that point there is probably a larger pool of 40-something women who have given up on having kids.

True, you have to be open to more kids, most likely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're 45 and have money, look semi-decent, you can easily find an attractive 30 year old. If you're looking at 45 year olds I assume you are either very overweight, very awkward, poor, or 60?

Attractive 30 year old women typically still want (or are considering) children and families of their own. If OP doesn't want more kids, that's going to be an issue.

[Anonymous]

People who are divorced are also nothing great.

Lean in author sherly Sandburg who got widowed with 2 kids and is 50 years old, got engaged to a 45 year divorced with kids hottie. Older women can marry younger men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're 45 and have money, look semi-decent, you can easily find an attractive 30 year old. If you're looking at 45 year olds I assume you are either very overweight, very awkward, poor, or 60?

Depends on the scenario. If you're a 45yo guy who already has kids, and you don't want more, that rules out all the 30yo women who want kids. At that point there is probably a larger pool of 40-something women who have given up on having kids.

True, you have to be open to more kids, most likely

And I understand OP not wanting any more kids and not wanting to go through the infant/little kid years again when he's 50. Assuming you meet a 30 y/o, get married and she has kids when she's 33-37 (not uncommon here), that means op will be dealing with toddlers at 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are divorced are also nothing great.

Lean in author sherly Sandburg who got widowed with 2 kids and is 50 years old, got engaged to a 45 year divorced with kids hottie. Older women can marry younger men.

Sheryl is a billionaire, though.