When and why did your friends get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married almost 40 years with most of our friends being married 30-40 years. I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting along in their relationship. But I sense that at this point in their lives divorce is unlikely to happen. Being 60+ and being alone by choice is a pretty lonely prospect especially for women. I assume that sex is still a part of the happy couples lives and it certainly is with ours.

Married 25, I am glad we we stayed this far and I we have grown and yes, we are happy but we had hard years....when you say "I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting" I think you are thinking in pretty black and white terms. The same couple, if together for 40 years are probably happier in some years and yes might be coasting in others. That's certainly our experience and when we get real with our long term friends, theirs as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are kidding yourselves if you think you can really know what's going on in somebody else's marriage. Most of us have enough trouble knowing what's going on in our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married almost 40 years with most of our friends being married 30-40 years. I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting along in their relationship. But I sense that at this point in their lives divorce is unlikely to happen. Being 60+ and being alone by choice is a pretty lonely prospect especially for women. I assume that sex is still a part of the happy couples lives and it certainly is with ours.

Married 25, I am glad we we stayed this far and I we have grown and yes, we are happy but we had hard years....when you say "I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting" I think you are thinking in pretty black and white terms. The same couple, if together for 40 years are probably happier in some years and yes might be coasting in others. That's certainly our experience and when we get real with our long term friends, theirs as well.

We’ve been married a long time and the even numbered years have been great. I can’t wait for January 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married almost 40 years with most of our friends being married 30-40 years. I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting along in their relationship. But I sense that at this point in their lives divorce is unlikely to happen. Being 60+ and being alone by choice is a pretty lonely prospect especially for women. I assume that sex is still a part of the happy couples lives and it certainly is with ours.

Married 25, I am glad we we stayed this far and I we have grown and yes, we are happy but we had hard years....when you say "I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting" I think you are thinking in pretty black and white terms. The same couple, if together for 40 years are probably happier in some years and yes might be coasting in others. That's certainly our experience and when we get real with our long term friends, theirs as well.

+1000. So true that there are up and down times in any relationship including marriage. It does get easier when you get older ( or at least for us).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are kidding yourselves if you think you can really know what's going on in somebody else's marriage. Most of us have enough trouble knowing what's going on in our own.

True. We’ve been married 14 yrs. Of our friends, two couple divorced recently. One instance woman said she wanted to explore her sexuality as a lesbian. The other, the woman was “unfaithful” but I don’t know to what degree. But I take these reasons to be superficial and possibly inaccurate and realize I really have no idea what was going on in their marriage and it is likely many things that led to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married almost 40 years with most of our friends being married 30-40 years. I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting along in their relationship. But I sense that at this point in their lives divorce is unlikely to happen. Being 60+ and being alone by choice is a pretty lonely prospect especially for women. I assume that sex is still a part of the happy couples lives and it certainly is with ours.

says who? I know plenty of 60+ "alone by choice" women and they seem very happy to me. obviously a fairy-tale relationship would be preferable (at any age and gender) but the lonely cat lady thing is a stereotype I've never seen borne out in my own observations.

[Anonymous]

Had several friends who married right out of college and divorced within 5 years, usually in dramatic fashion (blow-out fights, infidelity, drama). Now, in our late 30s, there's another wave but it's all much quieter - legal separations and co-parenting, no one badmouthing anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married almost 40 years with most of our friends being married 30-40 years. I can definitely see a difference between happy couples and those who seem to be coasting along in their relationship. But I sense that at this point in their lives divorce is unlikely to happen. Being 60+ and being alone by choice is a pretty lonely prospect especially for women. I assume that sex is still a part of the happy couples lives and it certainly is with ours.

says who? I know plenty of 60+ "alone by choice" women and they seem very happy to me. obviously a fairy-tale relationship would be preferable (at any age and gender) but the lonely cat lady thing is a stereotype I've never seen borne out in my own observations.

Uh huh. They're not alone by choice, and they're not happy.

Enjoy your cats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

I have to believe there is only one person who posts on every thread claiming that men only engage in infidelity to "save the marriage."

It's such nonsense, and so clearly the work of someone desperately attempting to explain their own behavior. There can't be more than one person telling themselves (and their mistress) the same lie, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

When my husband got involved with his coworker, I was working full-time (more hours than him) and doing more of the childcare. He was too busy to find time to spend with me and too tired to get up with the kids in the morning (any morning, really) but he somehow found time for a girlfriend. And, even with all of that, we were still having regular sex. He had a number of reasons, after the fact, why both the sex and I were inadequate, but nonetheless it was happening. I understand it being appealing, this idea that people who are cheated on had it coming. But whatever my faults were, turning him down was never one of them. (I did not initiate, but that was because he'd told me that was unattractive.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

It's a reach to conclude that infidelity means one of the spouse's isn't interested in sex. People who are mismatched can be grown up and agree to divorce - it's a valid reason. Many unfaithful spouses go elsewhere while maintaining a relationship with their partner. Cheating is a thousand times worse when you think everything is fine.

I'm inclined to agree with the PP, thinking of John Gottman's research regarding divorce. Perhaps surprisingly, often unhappily married people still have sex maybe because it's familiar, safe, and easy. It's contempt that predicts divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

When my husband got involved with his coworker, I was working full-time (more hours than him) and doing more of the childcare. He was too busy to find time to spend with me and too tired to get up with the kids in the morning (any morning, really) but he somehow found time for a girlfriend. And, even with all of that, we were still having regular sex. He had a number of reasons, after the fact, why both the sex and I were inadequate, but nonetheless it was happening. I understand it being appealing, this idea that people who are cheated on had it coming. But whatever my faults were, turning him down was never one of them. (I did not initiate, but that was because he'd told me that was unattractive.)

plus one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and agree that many of the divorces come out of the woods when the middle school years start. A couple that were surprising. Not aware of any addictions, but yes to dead bedrooms and infidelity. My guess is people neglect their spouses when kids are little. As the ghost of Christmas future to you young parents, keep the sex and intimacy going at all costs unless you want to join the club

You are actually reading that wrong. You are assuming all the couples who stayed together had lots of sex during the crazy difficult kid years. The truth is that the difference is not in having sex or not, but in couples understanding each other needs and that short term problems are just that, short term. For better or worse, you gotta roll through the tough times. People who bail because the child years are tough, didn't understand that for better or worse meant there would be hard times.

No actually there is a strong correlation between couples who don’t have sex leading to divorce. Why would you claim otherwise? Having children does not prevent a normal active sex life so why do you depict this as an expected thing when it’s actually a major sign the marriage is in trouble?

Where is that research or is this just something you "know"?

google "what is the #1 cause for divorce" and the answer: sexual infidelity... which is a politically correct way of saying "one of the spouses does not want sex, so the other goes elsewhere in order to save their marriage"

and what about YOUR assertion: where are the facts supporting that sexless marriages are equally successful as normal marriages with normal sex?

It's a reach to conclude that infidelity means one of the spouse's isn't interested in sex. People who are mismatched can be grown up and agree to divorce - it's a valid reason. Many unfaithful spouses go elsewhere while maintaining a relationship with their partner. Cheating is a thousand times worse when you think everything is fine.

I'm inclined to agree with the PP, thinking of John Gottman's research regarding divorce. Perhaps surprisingly, often unhappily married people still have sex maybe because it's familiar, safe, and easy. It's contempt that predicts divorce.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner.