Going to DIL's for first time for Christmas
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Anonymous
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My son and his wife are hosting my husband and I for Christmas, as well as my sister and her husband. My nephew will also attend the holiday dinner, but not as an overnight guest.
So far, it seems I've been relegated to "bring muffins and some wine" duty, which is fine. I want to be helpful, but I know they're excited to try their hand at hosting a holiday for the first time. Besides helping to watch the kids, and offering to help with the meals and household chores, what can I do? Any advice from those of you who have either hosted your ILs, or been guests of your DILs? |
Anonymous
| I'm a DIL, and as a DIL, I think what you plan on doing sounds really nice. I think as long as everyone is able to be flexible over the holidays - traditions sometimes aren't the same, the food is diferent than you'd prepare, maybe they wake up or go to bed earlier than you do - than everything goes well. |
Anonymous
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I would just behave like you were at a friends house as a guest as well. Help clear the plates, do the dishes (or not, depending on host preference), compliment the hosts on the decor or whatever.
Just be your normal gracious selves! |
Anonymous
| Watching the kids is very helpful, as long as you are really watching them. If you forget that you are supposed to be watching them, then it is not actually helpful as the parents have to watch them too. |
Anonymous
Are you guys active? Then getting the kids out of the house would be VERY appreciated! take them to the park or just toss a ball around outside. |
Anonymous
+1. Don't passively watch them, and then suddenly they're running into the kitchen just as your son or DIL is trying to get the turkey out of the oven. (Ask me how I know!) |
Anonymous
| Babysit so your DS and DIL can have a night out after Christmas. |
Anonymous
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The most important thing you can do is always ASK before doing anything, and then truly LISTEN to the answer.
"Help" is not help unless it is wanted. It is so kind and thoughtful to offer to help, and to ask if you can be helpful, but you must listen to the answer. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is enjoy a glass of wine and chat with the other guests by the fire. |
Anonymous
So the first thing to do is to get your attitude in check. You are clearly miffed at being relegated to bringing muffins and wine. Your post also has an air of superiority from the "they're cited to try their hand at hosting". Behave like a guest and use guest manners. Good guests engage in sparkly conversation, they offer assistance and listen carefully to what the host says. If the hosts says no I don't need help in the kitchen, please just relax and enjoy yourself then go do that happily. Do not sit on the couch and scowl. Do not go into the kitchen anyway. Do not offer any tips or advice on how the host could do something better. If you are staying over night, again behave as if you are a guest in someone else's house. This is not your house. Respect that the children have bedtimes. Offer to help clean up. If your host wants or needs help she or he will accept it. |
Anonymous
It's nice of you to ask. I'm a DIL and I generally get along pretty well with my MIL. Your ideas for offers to help with kids and/or meals and chores are great. And if they say no, take them seriously. They may really want to just host you. Also, I don't know how old the kids are, but one thing I love is when my in-laws or parents play games with my kids (cards, board games, charades, etc.). The kids have fun and they're totally engaged so I can really disengage and focus on something else. Otherwise, just keep your ears open, and offer to help out as needed. For example, if you are driving there and are comfortable with the area, offer to run to the grocery store to pick something up if an item has been forgotten. If you notice that the dishes are often a problem at the end of the night, offer to help with those. Just listen and offer to be useful. And say thanks! |
Anonymous
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I can give you a long list of what not to do.
1. Do not bring sparklers and fire works to entertain the kids. My FIL almost burned down the neighborhood. It was very dry that year and he caught some of the brush on fire. It was not appreciated. 2. Do not bring a gingerbread kit and make yourself at home setting it up for the kids in the all white living room. My cousin is still pissed off about this one. 3. Do not bring a purse dog and let it sit on the table next to you eating off your plate. 4. You are not there to write a NYT food critic review. Do not sample every item and then comment on whether it is a dry, salty, needs seasoning, needs a splash of acid etc. No one wants to hear your review. 5. Do not open the oven on the turkey every freakin 5 minutes leaving it open while you chatter to someone about something dropping the temp and then complain that dinner is being served too late. 6. Do not rewrap the gifts because your DIL did not wrap them with paper that you prefer. My MIL thought it would look so much better if all the gifts were wrapped with the same extremely expensive paper and ribbon that she brought. In the middle of the night, she rewrapped everything AND removed one or two gifts because she really did not think the recipient would enjoy it. Luckily, she said she had a few extras in her bag and swapped those in. 7. If you need to get up a 4 am do not wake the children up, let them see the Santa gifts and then try to get them to lie to their parents that they have not been up yet. |
Anonymous
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[Post New]11/20/2019 16:21 Subject: Winter pansies? [Up]
Anonymous #1 - Don't say or even think " it seems I've been relegated to "bring muffins and some wine" duty, which is fine." Why such a negative approach? Why are you looking for an insult??? Your son and DIL have invited you, your DH, your sister etc to their home to share the good cheer and hospitality they hope you'll receive with the care and grace they intend this warm Invitation to be seen as. Be a great guest. Be understanding that they (obviously you're showing w/good reason for) will feel that they'll be judged, and begrudged. I'm a MIL now and I hope that its clear that I'm honored to be included, interested in seeing what this new family has as their 'traditions' and touched to see that life goes on. |
Anonymous
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Adding to the list
9. Do not re-arrange the furniture at night. It is disconcerting to wake up the next morning and the living room, family room and dining room are all re-arranged. 10. If you are religious and your hosts are not or are a different religion pray silently. If they invite you to pray do not do a prayer hoping that people who do not follow your religion will be spared from hell. Limit your pray to something very short, you were not invited to make an academy award speech. 11. Respect personal space. If your DIL is not a smoocher or a hugger and pulls back do not grab her and give her a gross kiss. Instead give her a welcoming smile. 12. Do not spray the children with perfume. 13. Do not spray your purse dog with perfume. 14. Do not spray the host's cat with perfume - in fact just leave the perfume home. |
Anonymous
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I think it depends on the family. I prefer to deal with all the food. Agree on the perfume but we are a low scent home.
And, if you choose to rearrange my son's drawers as he messed them up trying to be helpful, great, but please do mine too as they looked great. |
Anonymous
| I recommend remembering that this is your son and his wife's turn to create a Christmas for their children. You are there to take part in the Christmas they create. You are not there to bring Christmas to your grandchildren or outshine their parents or Santa. Don't let the kids play with your phone all the time, sneak them sweets, or let them run wild if it is your turn to watch them. |