Step parents in blended families, what is the answer to "is he your only child?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, the worst OP. I'm so glad my husband calls my son his son and treats him like his son.

PP, is your son's father in his life?

Not the OP, but it isn't about how you treat or how much you love the children. Usually when people ask you how many they have, they are not assessing your love for your children, they are seeing how you spend your time, what you might have in common, etc.

I love my step-children like my own and no words can change that. They wouldn't disagree. But I'm not their mother. They have a mother who they love and who is involved in their life and I respect that. When I identify myself as a step-mother, it says nothing more than that. Identifying my role. It is not exactly the same as as being their full time mother from birth.

Yes, his Dad is in his life! He is still also my husband's son too. My husband is his step Father, and my son is his son. There is no step in at least his title and the love that my husband gives him.

That’s truly obnoxious and offensive. hopefully you refrain from saying that in front of your son.

Saying what?

that his stepdad is is "dad" and no different from his biodad. that is a horrible thing to say in front of a kid and suggests that OP is more invested in her own. beliefs about her "perfect" family than her child's actual emotional health.

Why can't it be the case that the kid has two dads, one a bio dad and one a step-dad? Yes, the relationships generally are different in nature and intensity, but it's still two dads. A kid can say he has two parents, without also offering - but this one parent is the one who does most of the actual caretaking, the one who cleans the house and cooks dinner, and is my favorite parent. All of that may be true but isn't germaine to the fairly innocuous question being asked.

Do you really need this explained to you? It's because where the bioparent is an active part of the child's life, the bioparent is Mom or Dad. The stepparent, no matter how wonderful, is never the same as Mom or Dad. To try to force a kid into saying that is dysfunctional and reflects your own agenda to present some kind of picture to the world about your family. If you think it's innocuous to refer to a child's stepfather as his "dad" in public, and in front of the child, you need to do some serious thinking.

I don't know if I need it 'explained' to me, but my opinion is shaped by being a child of divorce who had a step-parent. Also I am an adoptive mom who feels my kids' birth parents are still a type of parent, even though they aren't raising my kids. I guess the answer is that people will feel differently about it depending on various things. Maybe the answer here is to just talk to step-kids that are old enough to have an opinion on this and ask them their preference and go with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, the worst OP. I'm so glad my husband calls my son his son and treats him like his son.

PP, is your son's father in his life?

Not the OP, but it isn't about how you treat or how much you love the children. Usually when people ask you how many they have, they are not assessing your love for your children, they are seeing how you spend your time, what you might have in common, etc.

I love my step-children like my own and no words can change that. They wouldn't disagree. But I'm not their mother. They have a mother who they love and who is involved in their life and I respect that. When I identify myself as a step-mother, it says nothing more than that. Identifying my role. It is not exactly the same as as being their full time mother from birth.

Yes, his Dad is in his life! He is still also my husband's son too. My husband is his step Father, and my son is his son. There is no step in at least his title and the love that my husband gives him.

That’s truly obnoxious and offensive. hopefully you refrain from saying that in front of your son.

Saying what?

that his stepdad is is "dad" and no different from his biodad. that is a horrible thing to say in front of a kid and suggests that OP is more invested in her own. beliefs about her "perfect" family than her child's actual emotional health.

Why can't it be the case that the kid has two dads, one a bio dad and one a step-dad? Yes, the relationships generally are different in nature and intensity, but it's still two dads. A kid can say he has two parents, without also offering - but this one parent is the one who does most of the actual caretaking, the one who cleans the house and cooks dinner, and is my favorite parent. All of that may be true but isn't germaine to the fairly innocuous question being asked.

Do you really need this explained to you? It's because where the bioparent is an active part of the child's life, the bioparent is Mom or Dad. The stepparent, no matter how wonderful, is never the same as Mom or Dad. To try to force a kid into saying that is dysfunctional and reflects your own agenda to present some kind of picture to the world about your family. If you think it's innocuous to refer to a child's stepfather as his "dad" in public, and in front of the child, you need to do some serious thinking.

I don't know if I need it 'explained' to me, but my opinion is shaped by being a child of divorce who had a step-parent. Also I am an adoptive mom who feels my kids' birth parents are still a type of parent, even though they aren't raising my kids. I guess the answer is that people will feel differently about it depending on various things. Maybe the answer here is to just talk to step-kids that are old enough to have an opinion on this and ask them their preference and go with that.

No, that's not the answer. If you're a step-parent and the bioparent is still in the picture, it's a no-brainer that you never try to usurp mom or dad. You don't need to, and it's awful to the kid to put them in that position. If you feel like your position in the family is somehow threatened by public acknowledgement of your status as a step-parent (or your children's status as step or half sibs to your step-kid), then you have SERIOUS issues, and this is about you, not the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is different when my kids are around. If my kids are not with me, my answer is (4), 2 bio sons and 2 step daughters. If any of my kids are with me, I would never differentiate bio and step. It would send a message to my step daughters that they are somehow "less" important than my bio kids. I do not ever refer to any of the kids as "half siblings".

Great point. I was a PP and would never introduce any of the kids as my "step-children." I say that these are our kids when introducing or any other context when the kids are around. I also refer to them with our bio kids as "your older sister," never a half-sibling.

Step-kid here. I always HATED it when my stepmother made a huge show about introducing us as "her children." We were not her children, and she didn't treat us that way. She also had a strange fixation on never saying "half-sibling" as if that somehow detracted from the relationship the half-siblings had. The fact is -- all the kids had good relationships on their own, and we ALL knew that we were halves & steps to each other. Using the correct terminology did not impact us at all, and just reflected my stepmother's own pathological need to present a "we're one happy famileeee!!" front to the world, in a way that felt very inauthentic, erasing, and uncomfortable. Kids know what their family relationships are; to act like it's unspeakable to acknowledge your step or half sib has a different configuration of parents is dysfunctional.

Interesting perspective. You underscore the struggle in this debate, which is what difference do the labels make I can see room for debate, but my take is like yours. I'm a PP who posted that I identify myself as having two step-kids. I don't claim them as "my children" as they have a mother who they love, and despite significant involvement in their lives, I am not their mother. I do claim them as part our family, which includes the children DH and I have together.

To me, my words, whether calling myself a step-mother or saying that I have step-children, don't matter that much because I know what my actions said and what my heart feels. My actions always showed involvement, love, and not just acceptance, but genuine appreciation that I get to play a role in their lives. I love them, and they love me and their mother. I never wanted them to feel bad or uncomfortable if I claimed them as "my kids." I respect my role, and never wanted to do anything to diminish their mother. It might make me feel more important, but it would make them feel uncomfortable.

The key to being a good step-parent is constantly remembering that none of this is about you. Your actions should be guided by what is in the best interest of the kids. I don't need to pretend that the ex doesn't exist, claim the children as my own, diminish the importance of the other family in the kids lives,' or anything else. No label is going to undo the love and attention I gave, (or the significant sacrifices I made) to have a family that includes the kids. Conversely, as is the case with the PP, claiming children as your own or refusing to use the term "step" is not going to overcome her parenting deficiencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, the worst OP. I'm so glad my husband calls my son his son and treats him like his son.

PP, is your son's father in his life?

Not the OP, but it isn't about how you treat or how much you love the children. Usually when people ask you how many they have, they are not assessing your love for your children, they are seeing how you spend your time, what you might have in common, etc.

I love my step-children like my own and no words can change that. They wouldn't disagree. But I'm not their mother. They have a mother who they love and who is involved in their life and I respect that. When I identify myself as a step-mother, it says nothing more than that. Identifying my role. It is not exactly the same as as being their full time mother from birth.

Yes, his Dad is in his life! He is still also my husband's son too. My husband is his step Father, and my son is his son. There is no step in at least his title and the love that my husband gives him.

That’s truly obnoxious and offensive. hopefully you refrain from saying that in front of your son.

Saying what?

that his stepdad is is "dad" and no different from his biodad. that is a horrible thing to say in front of a kid and suggests that OP is more invested in her own. beliefs about her "perfect" family than her child's actual emotional health.

Why can't it be the case that the kid has two dads, one a bio dad and one a step-dad? Yes, the relationships generally are different in nature and intensity, but it's still two dads. A kid can say he has two parents, without also offering - but this one parent is the one who does most of the actual caretaking, the one who cleans the house and cooks dinner, and is my favorite parent. All of that may be true but isn't germaine to the fairly innocuous question being asked.

Do you really need this explained to you? It's because where the bioparent is an active part of the child's life, the bioparent is Mom or Dad. The stepparent, no matter how wonderful, is never the same as Mom or Dad. To try to force a kid into saying that is dysfunctional and reflects your own agenda to present some kind of picture to the world about your family. If you think it's innocuous to refer to a child's stepfather as his "dad" in public, and in front of the child, you need to do some serious thinking.

I don't know if I need it 'explained' to me, but my opinion is shaped by being a child of divorce who had a step-parent. Also I am an adoptive mom who feels my kids' birth parents are still a type of parent, even though they aren't raising my kids. I guess the answer is that people will feel differently about it depending on various things. Maybe the answer here is to just talk to step-kids that are old enough to have an opinion on this and ask them their preference and go with that.

No, that's not the answer. If you're a step-parent and the bioparent is still in the picture, it's a no-brainer that you never try to usurp mom or dad. You don't need to, and it's awful to the kid to put them in that position. If you feel like your position in the family is somehow threatened by public acknowledgement of your status as a step-parent (or your children's status as step or half sibs to your step-kid), then you have SERIOUS issues, and this is about you, not the kid.

You can say “we have three” without calling a step-parent Mom or Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

You're the step-mother. Sorry you don't like that word - that's your issue.

It’s not the right word though- though it is technically correct. Wish there was something better. On my own, when I use it, it doesn’t convey the strong affection I feel. When they are present, we all hate it and it goes both ways. They know the words step parent and step child do not accurately convey our feelings (bc the word connotes negatively). It’s like if you were a bio parent and you said “this is my offspring, Larla”. Technically correct. But doesn’t accurately capture the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

You're the step-mother. Sorry you don't like that word - that's your issue.

It’s not the right word though- though it is technically correct. Wish there was something better. On my own, when I use it, it doesn’t convey the strong affection I feel. When they are present, we all hate it and it goes both ways. They know the words step parent and step child do not accurately convey our feelings (bc the word connotes negatively). It’s like if you were a bio parent and you said “this is my offspring, Larla”. Technically correct. But doesn’t accurately capture the relationship.

Wha ...? There's nothing wrong with the word "stepmother." You're investing it with negative connotations because it makes you feel insecure. Just say "stepmom" and that's fine. "Offspring" and "stepmother" are in no way equivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

Hmm...some kids call their step parent "bonus mom" or "bonus dad" - could you say "I have one, plus 2 bonus kids" or whatever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

Hmm...some kids call their step parent "bonus mom" or "bonus dad" - could you say "I have one, plus 2 bonus kids" or whatever?

absolutely not. there is nothing wrong with the word "stepmother" or "stepfather." avoiding it makes it seem like you're engaged in some kind of overcompensating defense mechanism. if eventually your stepchild wants to give you a different title - let it come naturally from them.

[Anonymous]

Get over it Op. You are the step mom.

[Anonymous]

TLR

We have one young child together, and my stepchild is grown and out of the house. I say "DS is the only one at home, but we also have a child [or I have a stepchild] who is grown". With a nearly 20yr age difference, DS is an "only child" in that there are no other minors in the house. However, we know that our family has two kids, even if one is a full-fledged independent adult, and it doesn't feel right to mention their existence in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

Hmm...some kids call their step parent "bonus mom" or "bonus dad" - could you say "I have one, plus 2 bonus kids" or whatever?

Step-kid here and I have always liked this.

[Anonymous]

I am a step mother and she wants to call me mom, so we let her call me mom. She is 12. She is very close to her bio mom, and so am I. We have open lines of communication with the mom and we all even do all holidays together. It's all about putting the kids needs first, not the adults.

I see all these posts, but really it's about what the kid wants to be called or what they want to call you. I have never once expected or wanted to be called mom, she did that on her own, after telling her own mom that she really just wanted to call me mom too, because she has two moms. Her mom is wonderful but travels a lot for work, so I end up doing a lot of the heavy lifting. She also gave up full custody, so she only has her every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it Op. You are the step mom.

Op again. None of us like “stepchild” or “stepmom”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it Op. You are the step mom.

Op again. None of us like “stepchild” or “stepmom”.

the older kids? how old were they when you married their dad? I highly doubt they have an issue with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it Op. You are the step mom.

Op again. None of us like “stepchild” or “stepmom”.

the older kids? how old were they when you married their dad? I highly doubt they have an issue with it.

Yes the older kids. They were under ten. They don’t like the phrase.