Step parents in blended families, what is the answer to "is he your only child?"

[Anonymous]

My answer is different when my kids are around. If my kids are not with me, my answer is (4), 2 bio sons and 2 step daughters. If any of my kids are with me, I would never differentiate bio and step. It would send a message to my step daughters that they are somehow "less" important than my bio kids. I do not ever refer to any of the kids as "half siblings".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My answer is different when my kids are around. If my kids are not with me, my answer is (4), 2 bio sons and 2 step daughters. If any of my kids are with me, I would never differentiate bio and step. It would send a message to my step daughters that they are somehow "less" important than my bio kids. I do not ever refer to any of the kids as "half siblings".

Great point. I was a PP and would never introduce any of the kids as my "step-children." I say that these are our kids when introducing or any other context when the kids are around. I also refer to them with our bio kids as "your older sister," never a half-sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:“He has two half-siblings.”

I don’t like this answer. That’s about as distant as you can be!
Also, OP, I assume it’s a typo, but you write”we” have stepchildren. Unless I’m reading it wrong, your husband doesn’t, right? He has 3 kids, period.
For you, I like the answers that say you are also stepmom to 2 more kids.

Agreed.

disagree. it emphasizes to the child that they are his siblings - which is the most important thing.

The OP isn't speaking to the child so she doesn't need to emphasize anything. she is speaking to an adult. She can tell the child that he has two siblings.

Agree with the bolded pp. As someone with 3 half-siblings, you don't actually need to emphasize to the child that they are his siblings. It never occurred to me to differentiate, even with the 2 oldest that I didn't live with full-time. I have 4 brothers, period. If I got to know someone beyond small talk, then the intricacies of who was born when to whom get addressed as it makes sense to the conversation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, the worst OP. I'm so glad my husband calls my son his son and treats him like his son.

PP, is your son's father in his life?

Not the OP, but it isn't about how you treat or how much you love the children. Usually when people ask you how many they have, they are not assessing your love for your children, they are seeing how you spend your time, what you might have in common, etc.

I love my step-children like my own and no words can change that. They wouldn't disagree. But I'm not their mother. They have a mother who they love and who is involved in their life and I respect that. When I identify myself as a step-mother, it says nothing more than that. Identifying my role. It is not exactly the same as as being their full time mother from birth.

Yes, his Dad is in his life! He is still also my husband's son too. My husband is his step Father, and my son is his son. There is no step in at least his title and the love that my husband gives him.

That’s truly obnoxious and offensive. hopefully you refrain from saying that in front of your son.

Saying what?

that his stepdad is is "dad" and no different from his biodad. that is a horrible thing to say in front of a kid and suggests that OP is more invested in her own. beliefs about her "perfect" family than her child's actual emotional health.

Why can't it be the case that the kid has two dads, one a bio dad and one a step-dad? Yes, the relationships generally are different in nature and intensity, but it's still two dads. A kid can say he has two parents, without also offering - but this one parent is the one who does most of the actual caretaking, the one who cleans the house and cooks dinner, and is my favorite parent. All of that may be true but isn't germaine to the fairly innocuous question being asked.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation and I say, "She has two big brothers."

[Anonymous]

I always say “We have five”. In the 25 years we have been married, I have never referred to my children as “step” or “bio”. They don’t use the terms “step” or “half” to describe their relationships. They are just brothers and sisters. They are grown now. They coordinated plans so that they would all be home at the same time for Christmas this year. I’m grateful they are all so close. When I married my DH, I already had two children. I inherited two more. We had one together. I’m grateful every day for the family we created. There is no place in our family for terms that create distinctions. We are a family.

[Anonymous]

Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

It's not about your feelings at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is different when my kids are around. If my kids are not with me, my answer is (4), 2 bio sons and 2 step daughters. If any of my kids are with me, I would never differentiate bio and step. It would send a message to my step daughters that they are somehow "less" important than my bio kids. I do not ever refer to any of the kids as "half siblings".

Great point. I was a PP and would never introduce any of the kids as my "step-children." I say that these are our kids when introducing or any other context when the kids are around. I also refer to them with our bio kids as "your older sister," never a half-sibling.

Step-kid here. I always HATED it when my stepmother made a huge show about introducing us as "her children." We were not her children, and she didn't treat us that way. She also had a strange fixation on never saying "half-sibling" as if that somehow detracted from the relationship the half-siblings had. The fact is -- all the kids had good relationships on their own, and we ALL knew that we were halves & steps to each other. Using the correct terminology did not impact us at all, and just reflected my stepmother's own pathological need to present a "we're one happy famileeee!!" front to the world, in a way that felt very inauthentic, erasing, and uncomfortable. Kids know what their family relationships are; to act like it's unspeakable to acknowledge your step or half sib has a different configuration of parents is dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op back. I never say half siblings for reasons noted above. I could just say “we have him and I’m a step mom to his 2 older siblings” or some variation, but I hate the”step” word. It just doesn’t accurately convey my feelings. It sounds so cold and distant. I wish there was a better word. That’s why I avoid it altogether!

You're the step-mother. Sorry you don't like that word - that's your issue.

[Anonymous]

I actually was once at an event where a woman introduced three kids as my children". At this point the oldest turned to her and said, "I'm not your child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, the worst OP. I'm so glad my husband calls my son his son and treats him like his son.

PP, is your son's father in his life?

Not the OP, but it isn't about how you treat or how much you love the children. Usually when people ask you how many they have, they are not assessing your love for your children, they are seeing how you spend your time, what you might have in common, etc.

I love my step-children like my own and no words can change that. They wouldn't disagree. But I'm not their mother. They have a mother who they love and who is involved in their life and I respect that. When I identify myself as a step-mother, it says nothing more than that. Identifying my role. It is not exactly the same as as being their full time mother from birth.

Yes, his Dad is in his life! He is still also my husband's son too. My husband is his step Father, and my son is his son. There is no step in at least his title and the love that my husband gives him.

That’s truly obnoxious and offensive. hopefully you refrain from saying that in front of your son.

Saying what?

that his stepdad is is "dad" and no different from his biodad. that is a horrible thing to say in front of a kid and suggests that OP is more invested in her own. beliefs about her "perfect" family than her child's actual emotional health.

Why can't it be the case that the kid has two dads, one a bio dad and one a step-dad? Yes, the relationships generally are different in nature and intensity, but it's still two dads. A kid can say he has two parents, without also offering - but this one parent is the one who does most of the actual caretaking, the one who cleans the house and cooks dinner, and is my favorite parent. All of that may be true but isn't germaine to the fairly innocuous question being asked.

Do you really need this explained to you? It's because where the bioparent is an active part of the child's life, the bioparent is Mom or Dad. The stepparent, no matter how wonderful, is never the same as Mom or Dad. To try to force a kid into saying that is dysfunctional and reflects your own agenda to present some kind of picture to the world about your family. If you think it's innocuous to refer to a child's stepfather as his "dad" in public, and in front of the child, you need to do some serious thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually was once at an event where a woman introduced three kids as my children". At this point the oldest turned to her and said, "I'm not your child."

LOL!!! I am fairly sure that I wanted to do that a million times to my stepmother, but would not have dared, lest I face serious consequences ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always say “We have five”. In the 25 years we have been married, I have never referred to my children as “step” or “bio”. They don’t use the terms “step” or “half” to describe their relationships. They are just brothers and sisters. They are grown now. They coordinated plans so that they would all be home at the same time for Christmas this year. I’m grateful they are all so close. When I married my DH, I already had two children. I inherited two more. We had one together. I’m grateful every day for the family we created. There is no place in our family for terms that create distinctions. We are a family.

Nice erasure of their actual mother! You sound like you're in desperate denial of the fact that they have a different mother, who is not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always say “We have five”. In the 25 years we have been married, I have never referred to my children as “step” or “bio”. They don’t use the terms “step” or “half” to describe their relationships. They are just brothers and sisters. They are grown now. They coordinated plans so that they would all be home at the same time for Christmas this year. I’m grateful they are all so close. When I married my DH, I already had two children. I inherited two more. We had one together. I’m grateful every day for the family we created. There is no place in our family for terms that create distinctions. We are a family.

Nice erasure of their actual mother! You sound like you're in desperate denial of the fact that they have a different mother, who is not you.

Also, I guarantee you that when your adult kids and step-kids talk describe their family now as adults, they absolutely say "I have one sister, a step-sister, and two half-sisters. My dad divorced my mom when I was 8." Or something like that.