Reply to Step parents in blended families, what is the answer to "is he your only child?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My answer is different when my kids are around.  If my kids are not with me, my answer is (4), 2 bio sons and 2 step daughters.  If any of my kids are with me, I would never differentiate bio and step.  It would send a message to my step daughters that they are somehow "less" important than my bio kids.  I do not ever refer to any of the kids as "half siblings".[/quote]

Great point. I was a PP and would never introduce any of the kids as my "step-children."  I say that these are our kids when introducing or any other context when the kids are around.  I also refer to them with  our bio kids as "your older sister," never a half-sibling. [/quote]

Step-kid here.  I always HATED it when my stepmother made a huge show about introducing us as "her children." We were not her children, and she didn't treat us that way.  She also had a strange fixation on never saying "half-sibling" as if that somehow detracted from the relationship the half-siblings had. The fact is -- all the kids had good relationships on their own, and we ALL knew that we were halves & steps to each other.  Using the correct terminology did not impact us at all, and just reflected my stepmother's own pathological need to present a "we're one happy famileeee!!" front to the world, in a way that felt very inauthentic, erasing, and uncomfortable.  Kids know what their family relationships are; to act like it's unspeakable to acknowledge your step or half sib has a different configuration of parents is dysfunctional.
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Interesting perspective. You underscore the struggle in this debate, which is what difference do the labels make  I can see room for debate, but my take is like yours. I'm a PP who posted that I identify myself as having two  step-kids.  I don't claim them as "my children" as they have a mother who they love, and despite significant involvement in their lives, I am not their mother.  I do claim them as part our family, which includes the children DH and I have together.

To me, my words, whether calling myself a step-mother or saying that I have step-children, don't matter that much because I know what my actions said and what my heart feels.  My actions always showed involvement, love, and not just acceptance, but genuine appreciation that I get to play a role in their lives.  I love them, and they love me and their mother. I never wanted them to feel bad or uncomfortable if I claimed them as "my kids." I respect my role, and never wanted to do anything to diminish their mother.  It might make me feel more important, but it would make them feel uncomfortable.

The key to being a good step-parent is constantly remembering that none of this is about you. Your actions should be guided by what is in the best interest of the kids.  I don't need to pretend that the ex doesn't exist, claim the children as my own, diminish the importance of the other family in the kids lives,' or anything else.  No label is going to undo the love and attention I gave, (or the significant sacrifices I made) to have a family that includes the kids.  Conversely, as is the case with the PP, claiming children as your own or refusing to use the term "step" is not going to overcome her parenting deficiencies. [/quote]

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