I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

But you’re judging OP when you know nothing of her husband’s circumstances with his parents. Pot, meet kettle.

Nope, I was not judging her at all... I said that maybe I can’t relate because my parents are (in my opinion) great and DH ‘s parents are good too. I simply offered another suggestion for OP. Maybe she feels bad because her own kids are missing out. Again, maybe her in laws are just bad people with nothing to offer, but in my case it’s very different. Even DH’s parents that are older and can’t do much with grandkids can still teach them things we won’t be able to teach them ourselves. It’s more people that love them... again, maybe OP’s in laws are just horrible, but if they aren’t and simply aren’t perfect, then maybe she can try a little harder for her children’s sake... that’s all

You’re missing the key point: parents have to facilitate these relationships, and that can be emotionally exhausting if there is emotional abuse going on. Often times, it’s not worth it to the parent, and not something they want their child exposed to. It’s wonderful you have a great relationship with parents, and that that relationship trickles down to your children. Unfortunately, yours isn’t the same experience everyone has. It’s fair to agree that no, you can’t relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You admit that your mother is overbearing and manipulative, but think that they should just suck it up because your parents are "awesome grandparents' (because manipulative, overbearing people often are, right?) and because they wealthy and can afford fancy trips?

Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

But you’re judging OP when you know nothing of her husband’s circumstances with his parents. Pot, meet kettle.

Nope, I was not judging her at all... I said that maybe I can’t relate because my parents are (in my opinion) great and DH ‘s parents are good too. I simply offered another suggestion for OP. Maybe she feels bad because her own kids are missing out. Again, maybe her in laws are just bad people with nothing to offer, but in my case it’s very different. Even DH’s parents that are older and can’t do much with grandkids can still teach them things we won’t be able to teach them ourselves. It’s more people that love them... again, maybe OP’s in laws are just horrible, but if they aren’t and simply aren’t perfect, then maybe she can try a little harder for her children’s sake... that’s all

It is not OP pulling away, you flipping dimwit. It is her husband, the actual blood relative of her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

Bad about what? ..giving back a little to the parents that raised her husband?
Come on.. PP.

Family relationships are not always easy but you need to keep a bigger picture
OP. Parents raised kids, they put all their elbow grease for years.. decades,
they give it all just as you are doing now. The very minimum is to give back
some family time with the grand kids. It is really not too much to ask.

Drama? Oh, well, nobody is really truly drama free
and then again, you think you are a peach they might not think so,
it is all very relative.

By law grandparents do have some rights to access to their grand kids
law seems to be much more embracing then adult children and their
spouses.

One thing to remember, as people get older, they get more cranky
and whinny, not only because they get older, which in a way is
reason good enough.
But! also because they are getting sicker, and less mobile with time
and gradually they realize their time is limited.
Also your kids will grow out of grandma zone soon and will
be so much into their own life that they will have a very little need
for grandpas.

So on one hand, yes, you can live your life however you want
and be very judgmental and eye for eye type of person,
or you can be a little more understanding, forgiving and
embracing and let your kids access to their grandparents
a little more.

At the end of the day, you are giving your kids a gift of
connection to the older generation, who not only have something to
teach and lots of love to shower but who also love your kids
more then you in most unconditional way ever.

Your husband is a bit spoiled brat talking to his mom like this.
Have some heart and imagine how she must feel. One day
you will be in the very same situation and some DIL of yours
will act just like that towards you. How will it feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

But you’re judging OP when you know nothing of her husband’s circumstances with his parents. Pot, meet kettle.

Nope, I was not judging her at all... I said that maybe I can’t relate because my parents are (in my opinion) great and DH ‘s parents are good too. I simply offered another suggestion for OP. Maybe she feels bad because her own kids are missing out. Again, maybe her in laws are just bad people with nothing to offer, but in my case it’s very different. Even DH’s parents that are older and can’t do much with grandkids can still teach them things we won’t be able to teach them ourselves. It’s more people that love them... again, maybe OP’s in laws are just horrible, but if they aren’t and simply aren’t perfect, then maybe she can try a little harder for her children’s sake... that’s all

You’re missing the key point: parents have to facilitate these relationships, and that can be emotionally exhausting if there is emotional abuse going on. Often times, it’s not worth it to the parent, and not something they want their child exposed to. It’s wonderful you have a great relationship with parents, and that that relationship trickles down to your children. Unfortunately, yours isn’t the same experience everyone has. It’s fair to agree that no, you can’t relate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

Lol. You’ve hurt my feelings.

You stated “our issue is with SIL.” Clearly, you and your manipulative, overbearing mother stir the pot regarding SIL. You can’t have a collective issue without sharing opinions...yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

+1

This poster could easily be my SIL. DH has pulled away from his parents (himself. Not at my urging). Why? Because they regularly call/text/email him calling him names:criticizing (he is selfish, amoral, materialistic, etc etc), they criticize his career, the way he handles finances, his wife, his parenting, relentlessly on and on and on. This has been happening his entire adult life. He has tried all methods to get them to back off - nothing works. So he keeps them well at arms length. His sister sounds just like the poster above- she won’t listen to the reasons he doesn’t have a good relationship with their parents (she accuses him of being oversensitive, overreacting, or flat out lying) and thinks DH is the cruel and selfish etc. Of course she does- her parents are wonderful to her.

My family has its issues but there is a difference- when someone is hurting another persons feelings and is asked to stop/change/back off etc that is respected for the most part (not always easily, but eventually happens). My DH is 42yrs old..eventually he got tired of waiting. I don’t know the root cause but as his wife I am glad he pulled away from them, yes. I watched this go on for many years and kept my mouth shut but I do not feel sorry for my ILs at all..and I think my SIL is an absolute witch for guilting DH about it.

Just a perspective from “the other side”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

+1

This poster could easily be my SIL. DH has pulled away from his parents (himself. Not at my urging). Why? Because they regularly call/text/email him calling him names:criticizing (he is selfish, amoral, materialistic, etc etc), they criticize his career, the way he handles finances, his wife, his parenting, relentlessly on and on and on. This has been happening his entire adult life. He has tried all methods to get them to back off - nothing works. So he keeps them well at arms length. His sister sounds just like the poster above- she won’t listen to the reasons he doesn’t have a good relationship with their parents (she accuses him of being oversensitive, overreacting, or flat out lying) and thinks DH is the cruel and selfish etc. Of course she does- her parents are wonderful to her.

My family has its issues but there is a difference- when someone is hurting another persons feelings and is asked to stop/change/back off etc that is respected for the most part (not always easily, but eventually happens). My DH is 42yrs old..eventually he got tired of waiting. I don’t know the root cause but as his wife I am glad he pulled away from them, yes. I watched this go on for many years and kept my mouth shut but I do not feel sorry for my ILs at all..and I think my SIL is an absolute witch for guilting DH about it.

Just a perspective from “the other side”.

Sounds like he’s the scapegoat and his sister’s the golden child. This is actually a thing that’s worth googling. Yes, that poster you’re referring to sounds horrible, not very intelligent, and unempathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's grieving the relationship you WISH you had. That never actually existed.

Give it time and support your DH.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Yup. And it's normal and healthy, feel it and release it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You admit that your mother is overbearing and manipulative, but think that they should just suck it up because your parents are "awesome grandparents' (because manipulative, overbearing people often are, right?) and because they wealthy and can afford fancy trips?

Lovely.

+1. She's delusional too because she thinks her brother has a great relationship with her and his parents, yet he doesn't seem to bring these kids on these globetrotting adventures . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You sound like a nightmare. If you had these opinions about me I’d keep you and your mother away from my kids too.

What opinion do you think I have exactly? I don’t think I mentioned anything about opinions... I guess your reading comprehension is not very good... I can tell you I am not a big fan of judgemental people like you

Lol. You’ve hurt my feelings.

You stated “our issue is with SIL.” Clearly, you and your manipulative, overbearing mother stir the pot regarding SIL. You can’t have a collective issue without sharing opinions...yes?

Ha! I caught that "our" too along with the singling out of SIL to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps I just can’t relate, but I am sure my SIL might say something similar about my parents... honestly in our case is her and her kids’ loss. They are missing out on amazing grandparents that could take her kids skiing, sailing and traveling the world (like they do with our kids). My parents are not perfect and I can see how SIL might think my mom is “manipulative” and “overbearing”... but honestly it’s their kids’ loss mainly (and my kids because they don’t get to see their cousins much).
Our issue is with SiL since my brother had a great relationship when he sees us solo.

You admit that your mother is overbearing and manipulative, but think that they should just suck it up because your parents are "awesome grandparents' (because manipulative, overbearing people often are, right?) and because they wealthy and can afford fancy trips?

Lovely.

You have been bought with skiing and holidays your SIL hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel bad. They have mental illnesses, you and your spouse can’t help them. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

NP.

Same thing happened to us -- also 15 years together -- and I felt bad and was about to encourage DH to reach out to his parents and that day DH got this awful passive-aggressive email about how they can "only" hear from him and "he and only he" needs to reach out to them and made this huge deal about making sure that I didn't call or email them for the holidays (we are Jewish, so this would be Hanukkah). And he was like "F" them, and for the first time in 15 years, I said "A-f-ing men." I am finally done feeling bad that my in-laws manipulated DH for so long and he is finally free and happy.

Some parents are truly nightmares and all the "sailing, skiing, and traveling" in the world would not be worth exposing children to that nightmare situation of narcissism. Plus, and this is not our motivation, but we have a lot more disposable income to spend on our kids than my retired in-laws and their fixed income. Our kids go sailing, skiing, and traveling around the world without having to be criticized, picked out, annoyed, and belittled by my in-laws who think that the world owes them something. I think my in-laws are surprised that we would rather spend our own money and enjoy our limited vacation time than have them pay for the hotels and expect us to "pay" them back in other ways.

The SIL/PP who posted sounds to be part of the drama and favoritism and does not understand what it is like to be on the other end of the stick. My guess is that the SIL is part of the problem, which is what we experienced from DH's SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to keep your husband and kids happy. Amen.! If she cannot be on the same page as he is, she loses. Now you go and have a nice Christmas in your own home on Christmas morning!

Can't wait to see all of these people when they are the in-laws and parents of adult children... They will probably also reap what they sowed with their example.