I know they’re wrong, so why do I feed bad?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married to DH for nearly 15 years, and in that time, he’s been withdrawing more and more from his family. There is a lot of history there, of favoritism and manipulation, guilt-tripping and drama; the standard fare that precedes most situations like this. Within the last year however, I’ve really sensed a seismic shift happening. It all sort of came to a head this year with DH basically stepping back completely. For the first time ever, I can tell he really doesn’t care. He was sitting at the island trying to coordinate a plan for Christmas with his mom when she started her typical passive-aggressive whining. He flat out told her if she isn’t willing to accept the time we can give them (she’s upset we want to be at our own home for our young children on Christmas Eve and Day) then she gets no time. He ended the call and that was that.

I know DH has the agency to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his family. Honestly, I don’t get along with them that well so it’s no skin off my back if we don’t see them. Our kids can take them or leave them. So why do I feel so bad about this?

[Anonymous]

Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

I hope so. I think what I’m doing is looking at it though the lenses of a loving parent who puts a lot of positive energy into her relationship with her children, and feeling empathy for that parent. But MIL isn’t that parent, so I shouldn’t. DH knows this, I know this, but I don’t think MIL does. In a strange way, I pity her. I’m sad for her that she wasn’t a better parent. That probably makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

I hope so. I think what I’m doing is looking at it though the lenses of a loving parent who puts a lot of positive energy into her relationship with her children, and feeling empathy for that parent. But MIL isn’t that parent, so I shouldn’t. DH knows this, I know this, but I don’t think MIL does. In a strange way, I pity her. I’m sad for her that she wasn’t a better parent. That probably makes no sense.

This just goes to show, you truly reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Your job is to keep your husband and kids happy. Amen.! If she cannot be on the same page as he is, she loses. Now you go and have a nice Christmas in your own home on Christmas morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to DH for nearly 15 years, and in that time, he’s been withdrawing more and more from his family. There is a lot of history there, of favoritism and manipulation, guilt-tripping and drama; the standard fare that precedes most situations like this. Within the last year however, I’ve really sensed a seismic shift happening. It all sort of came to a head this year with DH basically stepping back completely. For the first time ever, I can tell he really doesn’t care. He was sitting at the island trying to coordinate a plan for Christmas with his mom when she started her typical passive-aggressive whining. He flat out told her if she isn’t willing to accept the time we can give them (she’s upset we want to be at our own home for our young children on Christmas Eve and Day) then she gets no time. He ended the call and that was that.

I know DH has the agency to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his family. Honestly, I don’t get along with them that well so it’s no skin off my back if we don’t see them. Our kids can take them or leave them. So why do I feel so bad about this?

Hmm. I wonder if this poor attitude is a contributing factor in his decision making.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are just afraid of change and worried that DH will wake up on Christmas and be sad that he didn't get to see his family.

But kudos to him for standing up to his mom. Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give it time. You will stop feeling bad about it.

I hope so. I think what I’m doing is looking at it though the lenses of a loving parent who puts a lot of positive energy into her relationship with her children, and feeling empathy for that parent. But MIL isn’t that parent, so I shouldn’t. DH knows this, I know this, but I don’t think MIL does. In a strange way, I pity her. I’m sad for her that she wasn’t a better parent. That probably makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense to me. You have some empathy for your MIL over a situation that would devastate you if you were in her shoes. Also, something I've thought about every time I've lost someone I care about is that people that love you are truly priceless, and when they are gone, you have one fewer person standing between you and the cruel world, and your foundation is shakier than it was before. DH's mom should be in that category, and this split sort of confirms that she's not and never will be. It probably makes your DH seem more vulnerable in the short term, even if it turns out to be a healthy development.

[Anonymous]

It's grieving the relationship you WISH you had. That never actually existed.

Give it time and support your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's grieving the relationship you WISH you had. That never actually existed.

Give it time and support your DH.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to DH for nearly 15 years, and in that time, he’s been withdrawing more and more from his family. There is a lot of history there, of favoritism and manipulation, guilt-tripping and drama; the standard fare that precedes most situations like this. Within the last year however, I’ve really sensed a seismic shift happening. It all sort of came to a head this year with DH basically stepping back completely. For the first time ever, I can tell he really doesn’t care. He was sitting at the island trying to coordinate a plan for Christmas with his mom when she started her typical passive-aggressive whining. He flat out told her if she isn’t willing to accept the time we can give them (she’s upset we want to be at our own home for our young children on Christmas Eve and Day) then she gets no time. He ended the call and that was that.

I know DH has the agency to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his family. Honestly, I don’t get along with them that well so it’s no skin off my back if we don’t see them. Our kids can take them or leave them. So why do I feel so bad about this?

Hmm. I wonder if this poor attitude is a contributing factor in his decision making.

As someone with gawd awful inlaws I send my sympathy. As far as pp "poor attitude" comment - nah, walk a mile in my mocassins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to DH for nearly 15 years, and in that time, he’s been withdrawing more and more from his family. There is a lot of history there, of favoritism and manipulation, guilt-tripping and drama; the standard fare that precedes most situations like this. Within the last year however, I’ve really sensed a seismic shift happening. It all sort of came to a head this year with DH basically stepping back completely. For the first time ever, I can tell he really doesn’t care. He was sitting at the island trying to coordinate a plan for Christmas with his mom when she started her typical passive-aggressive whining. He flat out told her if she isn’t willing to accept the time we can give them (she’s upset we want to be at our own home for our young children on Christmas Eve and Day) then she gets no time. He ended the call and that was that.

I know DH has the agency to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with his family. Honestly, I don’t get along with them that well so it’s no skin off my back if we don’t see them. Our kids can take them or leave them. So why do I feel so bad about this?

Hmm. I wonder if this poor attitude is a contributing factor in his decision making.

As someone with gawd awful inlaws I send my sympathy. As far as pp "poor attitude" comment - nah, walk a mile in my mocassins!

same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's grieving the relationship you WISH you had. That never actually existed.

Give it time and support your DH.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

+1

[Anonymous]

You feel bad because as women we're conditioned to smooth things over and "make it nice". But this is his family, and you don't like them anyway.

[Anonymous]

My wife feels this way about my relationship with my sister. I can't seem to convince her that I really don't care. I suppose it bothers me in the abstract to not have a real relationship with my sister, but in practice not having a relationship with the particular person that is my sister is just fine with me. For the best, even.