Can't Decide on Wedding..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, big weddings, bad luck.

100 people isn’t a big wedding. But I don’t get the friends of friends comment by the OP. We had to really trim the guest list to get down to 100 people for DDs wedding. Surely OP and her fiancé have 100 actual friends and family they could invite, particularly since OP said just her close family is 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop exaggerating ... it’s not doing you any favors.

I’m guessing OP is a troll. She keeps changing the story. First it’s a 200k wedding, then it’s 100k. First it’s that she want to use the money for a down payment rather than a wedding, then it’s that they have enough money for both. First it’s that he wants 100 people, then that he wants friends of friends to come. So not even very good trolling!

[Anonymous]

Are you inviting 50/100 people (so with guests it is higher) or is that the total expected? If your family is 20, how many is his family? If you each have ten friends that is twenty more each (with guests) and you are up to 60 without counting his family.

If he is really conservative with spending money otherwise, but likes to spurge on the big things- that is a good sign. We have so few rites of passage in our culture now and a wedding i one of the biggest ones we have left. I think it is okay to splurge on it. You may find that it is actually closer to your budget anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His money, his wedding rules

So if she becomes a sahm later does ge get to make all the rules then too?
Marriage doesnt work like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He doesn’t spend large amounts on items, but he does like nice things. I’m much more frugal and like to save."


Uh, red flag here. Sounds like this is the crux of your problem. The two of you have fundamental issues about finances and how to spend money. It's not just about the wedding costs.

If you have not already attended pre-marriage classes I suggest you do, quickly. You need to sort out how money in the marriage will be managed. You want 2 kids quickly but assume that will mean you (or he) will quit work.

What happens then? Income will be less and money problems will be more. You'll start fighting about it and statistically, could wind up eventually splitting because of it.

Might not happen right away but one day he will want Larla and Larlo to have private schooling, brand new cars in high school, go to expensive colleges, etc. and you will balk.

Number one factor in divorce? Finances.

Agree. OP this is about much more than a wedding. You two need to get on the same page about spending and budgets generally before you get married. It will only get harder once you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He doesn’t spend large amounts on items, but he does like nice things. I’m much more frugal and like to save."


Uh, red flag here. Sounds like this is the crux of your problem. The two of you have fundamental issues about finances and how to spend money. It's not just about the wedding costs.

If you have not already attended pre-marriage classes I suggest you do, quickly. You need to sort out how money in the marriage will be managed. You want 2 kids quickly but assume that will mean you (or he) will quit work.

What happens then? Income will be less and money problems will be more. You'll start fighting about it and statistically, could wind up eventually splitting because of it.

Might not happen right away but one day he will want Larla and Larlo to have private schooling, brand new cars in high school, go to expensive colleges, etc. and you will balk.

Number one factor in divorce? Finances.

Agree. OP this is about much more than a wedding. You two need to get on the same page about spending and budgets generally before you get married. It will only get harder once you have kids.

+1. He bought you a 2 carat $25,000 engagement ring and knows you are frugal? He is a big spender. Your financial goals may not align. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He doesn’t spend large amounts on items, but he does like nice things. I’m much more frugal and like to save."


Uh, red flag here. Sounds like this is the crux of your problem. The two of you have fundamental issues about finances and how to spend money. It's not just about the wedding costs.

If you have not already attended pre-marriage classes I suggest you do, quickly. You need to sort out how money in the marriage will be managed. You want 2 kids quickly but assume that will mean you (or he) will quit work.

What happens then? Income will be less and money problems will be more. You'll start fighting about it and statistically, could wind up eventually splitting because of it.

Might not happen right away but one day he will want Larla and Larlo to have private schooling, brand new cars in high school, go to expensive colleges, etc. and you will balk.

Number one factor in divorce? Finances.

Why do you assume OP or her husband will quit work? Plenty of working parents with two kids in daycare or with a annny.

[Anonymous]

Please spend some money on communication skills and couples financial planning before going through with this.

[Anonymous]

OP, the engagement is a very important time. A needed time. A time for working together as a couple. Don't come on here asking strangers.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We don’t have money issues. The only two big purchases he has made since we started dating ( 1.5 years ago) was his condo and the ring. As he explains, eh what’s to give me a night we can remember. He wants to celebrate our love with as many people as possible. We both waited so long ( 30’s) to find each other that he just wants to celebrate our love. I still think a more intimate ceremony will be better, but we have decided to compromise to a budget and 75 people. My family with immediate, cousins, and aunt/uncles is working 40. His is around 15. Then we can invite around 20-25 friends. We currently have around $400k in savings ( me $100k, him $300k) that we want to touch. We both have more in investments and and an emergency fund.

I’m not sure why PP would assume one of us would quit work when we have kids. We both will keep our jobs and use daycare/nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please stop exaggerating ... it’s not doing you any favors.

I’m guessing OP is a troll. She keeps changing the story. First it’s a 200k wedding, then it’s 100k. First it’s that she want to use the money for a down payment rather than a wedding, then it’s that they have enough money for both. First it’s that he wants 100 people, then that he wants friends of friends to come. So not even very good trolling!

OP here. I said I exaggerated the $200k but I’m sure it can get that high if we have a big wedding. We do have money for both, but a bigger down payment will afford us a bigger house in a good neighborhood. When does “ 100 people” mean no friends of friends? We have around 75 family members and friends, but him wanting to invite friends of friends will make it closer to 100. It’s not that difficult to understand.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH and I had a pretty nice wedding for a little over 100 people, and the cost was around $50k. It wasn't that long ago, either. You said your max is $50k, and he wants 100 people. That is doable, so the two of you are basically arguing over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I are panning our wedding and can't agree on how big or small to have it. We are paying for it ourselves, but most of the money is from his savings. I really want a small wedding, but he thinks we should have a big wedding. My immediate family alone is 20 people. I think 50 friends and family is enough but he wants closer to 100. I feel like I already have everything I want and would rather use most of our savings for a down payment on a home. He thinks we can do both or just stay in his condo until we save up for a down payment. I feel like I got the ring of my dreams ( which I know was expensive) and I don't care about a big wedding. How can we compromise or decide?

You're making this all about you, OP. Not a great way to start marriage. You got what YOU wanted -- the big ring -- but your fiance can't have what he wants - a bigger wedding. Why is it okay for you to decide how to allocate the money, but not your fiance? It sounds like he really values a bigger wedding and having more friends to celebrate with. Why is that wrong? If you want to spend the money on a down payment, maybe you could return your dream ring for something smaller.

This is what I was thinking. She got what she wanted so he should just forget about what he wants because, she wants something else he should give her (using the money for a downpayment on a house).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We don’t have money issues. The only two big purchases he has made since we started dating ( 1.5 years ago) was his condo and the ring. As he explains, eh what’s to give me a night we can remember. He wants to celebrate our love with as many people as possible. We both waited so long ( 30’s) to find each other that he just wants to celebrate our love. I still think a more intimate ceremony will be better, but we have decided to compromise to a budget and 75 people. My family with immediate, cousins, and aunt/uncles is working 40. His is around 15. Then we can invite around 20-25 friends. We currently have around $400k in savings ( me $100k, him $300k) that we want to touch. We both have more in investments and and an emergency fund.

I’m not sure why PP would assume one of us would quit work when we have kids. We both will keep our jobs and use daycare/nanny.

You've only been together 1.5 years (that's not long at all!) and have already had arguments about spending, and he made two major purchases in that short period of time and looking for another. I still think you should use this time wisely and really come to terms with how you are going to set and keep budgets going forward with your two different mindsets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His money, his wedding rules

Nope. This is a decision for a couple to make. Very important to set the right precedent about equal power in the relationship.