Can't Decide on Wedding..

[Anonymous]

He bought a condo knowing you two were fast tracking marriage and babies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He bought a condo knowing you two were fast tracking marriage and babies?

OP here. He bought it a month into us dating. He had been looking for a while. We weren’t even sure our relationship would go anywhere at that point.

[Anonymous]

Small ceremony, larger reception/party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please stop exaggerating ... it’s not doing you any favors.

I’m guessing OP is a troll. She keeps changing the story. First it’s a 200k wedding, then it’s 100k. First it’s that she want to use the money for a down payment rather than a wedding, then it’s that they have enough money for both. First it’s that he wants 100 people, then that he wants friends of friends to come. So not even very good trolling!

OP here. I said I exaggerated the $200k but I’m sure it can get that high if we have a big wedding. We do have money for both, but a bigger down payment will afford us a bigger house in a good neighborhood. When does “ 100 people” mean no friends of friends? We have around 75 family members and friends, but him wanting to invite friends of friends will make it closer to 100. It’s not that difficult to understand.

Because you allow your friends to bring their spouse/date to your wedding. So 20 friends equals 40 people. And that is 10 friends for each of you. Surely you know more than 5-10 people.

Anyway, it now sounds like you would like to invite 75, and he wants 100. That is not going to be an enormous cost difference.

[Anonymous]

We had a wedding for 100 people that probably cost 15k; this was 17 years ago in another city but it was low-key. We did it in a favorite restaurant on a Sunday. You don’t have to spend a fortune. And 100 people isn’t that big...basically you each get50 people and in your 30s, many will be coupled so it’s more like you each invite 25 couples. That means he won’t be able to invite random people he barely knows. We had to cut out many of our parents’ friends, family we weren’t as close to, etc. It was difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not considering that many of not most of these people will be coupled/married so add a +1 to each guest on your guest list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We don’t have money issues. The only two big purchases he has made since we started dating ( 1.5 years ago) was his condo and the ring. As he explains, eh what’s to give me a night we can remember. He wants to celebrate our love with as many people as possible. We both waited so long ( 30’s) to find each other that he just wants to celebrate our love. I still think a more intimate ceremony will be better, but we have decided to compromise to a budget and 75 people. My family with immediate, cousins, and aunt/uncles is working 40. His is around 15. Then we can invite around 20-25 friends. We currently have around $400k in savings ( me $100k, him $300k) that we want to touch. We both have more in investments and and an emergency fund.

I’m not sure why PP would assume one of us would quit work when we have kids. We both will keep our jobs and use daycare/nanny.

Interesting that you are denying you have money issues when your post is fundamentally about … spending MONEY!

Then you go on to get defensive and completely skirt around the glaring issue which is finances in a marriage.

Have you and DF gone to any premarital counseling to discuss how to manage finances? That's a simple yes or no. If it's no, then be prepared to have more challenges in your relationship which are centered around money. And look up "marriage" and "reasons for divorce" and you will see that lack of financial compatibility is a leading cause of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Skimp on everything you can: flowers, dress (go non white and you can get a higher quality gown for less), favors, wine/beer vs full open bar, etc. Do NOT skimp on photographer or DJ.

[Anonymous]

These kinds of differing expectations and disagreements about money are perfect practice for marriage. You two need to figure out a compromise where you each get some of what you want and where your wedding reflects what matters to you most as a couple. As PPs have suggested, pre-marital counseling can help with this.

I wanted to elope. My now DH wanted a 600-person wedding. We wound up with 225 at a barn wedding. I still feel like it was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a wedding (I think we came in somewhere between $60 and $80k), but it was a heck of a party and it made him really happy.

You can have a great wedding of any size on any budget. The best weddings that I have been to are those where the people getting married are collaborating on a celebration that represents their values and where they put effort into making their guests comfortable; it's "your" day and all, but the people who attend are also your guests and you are the host/hostess.

[Anonymous]

Our gorgeous DC area wedding was 180+ people and we spent about $35-40K total. You can make it work.

[Anonymous]

OP, your 50k budget is my equivalent of your fiance's 100k. I would never spend 50k on a wedding day.

We had a wedding for 115 ppl and spent less than 30k and had a full weekend event (friday evening dinner, saturday event, sunday morning after) at a retreat about an hour outside DC.

These conversations you're having with him are excellent preparation for marriage. You get to learn how to balance your wishes, goals, expectations, financial assumptions, values around money, etc... BEFORE you're buying a house or having kids. It's a gift. Don't be adversarial - try to find ways to have the day you both want at an expenditure you're both comfortable with (inclusive of future goals like kids.)

Good luck and congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I exaggerated with the $200k but he set a 100k budget. I want to spend closer to $50k. It is mostly his money, but it will become ours once we get married. He did buy me a nice ring, but I didn’t ask for a large or expensive one ( 2 carat round pave diamond likely around $20-25k). We both make good money ( me $120k, him $200k) but I still think $100k is a waste. We will be married at a church and he wants to go big for the reception. He is talking about inviting people he barely knows that are friends of friends. He doesn’t spend large amounts on items, but he does like nice things. I’m much more frugal and like to save. We have enough money for both a wedding and a down payment, but we want two kids quickly after the wedding. It will be expensive.

We made the same as you when we married 10 years ago. I wanted a small wedding (50) he wanted 120 people. It was very upsetting. I told him to pay for his guests and I would pay for mine. I was not happy with the wedding as I had 30 people and the rest were his. It felt like his wedding. We spent 25k in CT outside of NYC. You do not need to spend more than 40k on a nice wedding. I personally would not. We are getting a divorce. The fighting over every tiny wedding decision should have been a red flag that my desires did not matter on any decision. I had doubts but blamed it on the stress of the wedding.

If he insists, make him pay for the headcount of his guests. But make sure you are getting your way on other decisions. Otherwise, you might not be in for a good marriage. FWIW, my ring was 14k and we paid for the wedding ourselves. No debt. I wish we had never done it at all. Waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Don’t waste the money, you’ll be divorced like the rest of the world... Well, 60% of the world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I exaggerated with the $200k but he set a 100k budget. I want to spend closer to $50k. It is mostly his money, but it will become ours once we get married. He did buy me a nice ring, but I didn’t ask for a large or expensive one ( 2 carat round pave diamond likely around $20-25k). We both make good money ( me $120k, him $200k) but I still think $100k is a waste. We will be married at a church and he wants to go big for the reception. He is talking about inviting people he barely knows that are friends of friends. He doesn’t spend large amounts on items, but he does like nice things. I’m much more frugal and like to save. We have enough money for both a wedding and a down payment, but we want two kids quickly after the wedding. It will be expensive.

We made the same as you when we married 10 years ago. I wanted a small wedding (50) he wanted 120 people. It was very upsetting. I told him to pay for his guests and I would pay for mine. I was not happy with the wedding as I had 30 people and the rest were his. It felt like his wedding. We spent 25k in CT outside of NYC. You do not need to spend more than 40k on a nice wedding. I personally would not. We are getting a divorce. The fighting over every tiny wedding decision should have been a red flag that my desires did not matter on any decision. I had doubts but blamed it on the stress of the wedding.

If he insists, make him pay for the headcount of his guests. But make sure you are getting your way on other decisions. Otherwise, you might not be in for a good marriage. FWIW, my ring was 14k and we paid for the wedding ourselves. No debt. I wish we had never done it at all. Waste of money.

That wasn’t a good sign but I don’t know that you could put that all on him. Just saying you would each pay for your own guest wasn’t really a good compromise when you are combing households. I can’t tell if your ex was saying 120 people or no marriage and wasn’t hearing you or if you were like I am only paying for a 50 person wedding so screw you and the horse you rode in on if you want more people. Or maybe it was both.

[Anonymous]

I can’t you accepted an engagement ring he paid $20-25k for! I would know my fiancé and I were seriously mismatched if (a) he thought wasting so much money on something like a ring was a good idea and (b) I would like something like that.