I slapped my teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14yr old daughter and I are very close, she’s a great kid, despite her moodiness. I got up in the middle of the night (about 4am) to go to the bathroom and noticed noise coming from my daughters room. I open her door and she’s watching videos on her cell phone that is supposed to be plugged in downstairs. She must have snuck downstairs and got it. I told her to hand me the phone, and she refused. I told her the phone is mine until further notice, and she lost her shit. She started screaming, saying I was a horrible mother, all of her other friends keep their phones in their room. I told her I don’t care if she thinks I’m a horrible mother, it’s not healthy to be on the phone all night, and it’s not up for discussion. She stood up and handed me the phone and looked me in the eyes and said “bitch.” In my already pissed off, sleep deprived state, I smacked her cheek. She was shocked and just threw herself on the bed crying(I think far more upset about losing the phone then the smack) How do I fix this?! I was obviously wrong to smack her but I know she’s going to try and use this as an excuse to get phone back, which isn’t happening either. Parent is hard y’all, and clearly I’m not doing such a great job.

Sorry that happened, OP. Parenting is hard! Apologize, and keep the phone for at least a week.

A note: your daughter may not currently know or understand what upsets her about this interaction. If she remembers it, say, 10 years from now, what's going to be the unsettling memory is the slap, not the loss of the phone.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m 42 but when I was 15 I called my mom a bitch and she slapped me. She was horrified and I was hurt and it took a little whole to repair the relationship, probably also because of the underlying issue. But it really was okay, and apparently this has been happening between mothers and daughters for at least 2 generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet she won't call you a bitch again.
Stick with the consequence of the lost phone for the week too.
I would not mention the slap unless she brings it up again.

This. What the heck is wrong with most of you? The current parenting generation has handed over control to the children. They know they can play off your guilt and win even more concessions. If any of us had called our mothers “bitch” when we were teens we would have been slapped into next Tuesday. Except that most of us did not because we had been punished when we mouthed off to our parents when we were younger.

Only apology needs to be from child to parent here.

We, who? Speak for yourself. My parents would not have slapped us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has nothing to fix.

Slapping someone needs fixing.

Nope, she did what every parent until 15 years ago would have done. Now, we think this is abuse? I think not. Enough is enough with producing entitled douche bags for teens.

You don't think parents from the 1970s, 1950s and earlier produced entitled douchebags? Hello, country club culture. Hello, segregation. Hello, women better stay in that kitchen.

[Anonymous]

My mother did this to me at that age.

I was shocked and hurt but I also never called her a bitch ever again.

It didn't hurt our relationship long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet she won't call you a bitch again.
Stick with the consequence of the lost phone for the week too.
I would not mention the slap unless she brings it up again.

This. What the heck is wrong with most of you? The current parenting generation has handed over control to the children. They know they can play off your guilt and win even more concessions. If any of us had called our mothers “bitch” when we were teens we would have been slapped into next Tuesday. Except that most of us did not because we had been punished when we mouthed off to our parents when we were younger.

Only apology needs to be from child to parent here.

So your teen son can hit another student at school if he is called a name, and he should expect no consequences? How very confused he will be when he is expelled.

It's either OK to hit, or it's not. And it's not.

That said, it's not just OP apologies, end of story. It's OP apologies, and consequences are still laid down over the phone, and new consequences are laid down over the "bitch" remark.

When I was young and was smacked for some infraction (not often, but it happened), I was smart enough to know that I was being punished by my parents, and was NOT being taught that I was now allowed to hit anyone I wanted.

What a stupid argument.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Apologize for smacking her but the punishment still stands.

[Anonymous]

Seems like this is way blown out of proportion. I though she must have of had a boy in her room.

A phone? GTFO, calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet she won't call you a bitch again.
Stick with the consequence of the lost phone for the week too.
I would not mention the slap unless she brings it up again.

This. What the heck is wrong with most of you? The current parenting generation has handed over control to the children. They know they can play off your guilt and win even more concessions. If any of us had called our mothers “bitch” when we were teens we would have been slapped into next Tuesday. Except that most of us did not because we had been punished when we mouthed off to our parents when we were younger.

Only apology needs to be from child to parent here.

So your teen son can hit another student at school if he is called a name, and he should expect no consequences? How very confused he will be when he is expelled.

It's either OK to hit, or it's not. And it's not.

That said, it's not just OP apologies, end of story. It's OP apologies, and consequences are still laid down over the phone, and new consequences are laid down over the "bitch" remark.

When I was young and was smacked for some infraction (not often, but it happened), I was smart enough to know that I was being punished by my parents, and was NOT being taught that I was now allowed to hit anyone I wanted.

What a stupid argument.

+1,000

+1

[Anonymous]

Just a quick reply but I worked in a school where CPS was called to get involved and CPS took a slap very seriously. Parent had to do parenting classes and they kept coming to the school to check in with the parents.

I don't know about your state - I am not in the DMV. I did not know that the fallout would be so serious.

Parenting is hard, OP, I have a 14yr old and have found him on his phone when he wasn't supposed to be. The phones and internet are like crack to these kids.

However, if this ends up with CPS just face the consequences. Don't tell your dd to lie to the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a quick reply but I worked in a school where CPS was called to get involved and CPS took a slap very seriously. Parent had to do parenting classes and they kept coming to the school to check in with the parents.

I don't know about your state - I am not in the DMV. I did not know that the fallout would be so serious.

Parenting is hard, OP, I have a 14yr old and have found him on his phone when he wasn't supposed to be. The phones and internet are like crack to these kids.

However, if this ends up with CPS just face the consequences. Don't tell your dd to lie to the school.

Sorry, they kept coming in to the school to check in with the student.

[Anonymous]

I slapped my teen!

Better late than never. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked that any teen would call their mother a "bitch". This kind of behavior does not come out of no-where. It is a result of bad, negligent and lax parenting from the get go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.